IM’s. I’ve hit rock bottom.
I don’t know how to get my head above water and I guess I need A place to reach out and ask for advice/A vent.
Backstory:
12 years DV. 2 children aged 10 & 12. Both sexually abused and raped over a 5 year period by their father.
Kids and I Spent 3 years in court system with trials and investigations. He escaped jail. Served nothing. Meanwhile my children get a life sentence of PTSD, nightmares, flashbacks, daily meltdowns, triggered over smells and shops and names.
I’ve lost my job due to the care needs of the children and their mental health being very unstable.
Youngest has Autism diagnosis aswell as the PTSD.
Finances are rock bottom. Struggling to make do with the fallout from relocating to get away from abuser, losing job, living on Centrelink, and kids medical costs.
I don’t know how to go forward. There’s only so many times one can go to a food bank and Lifeline. Have a $50 a week grocery budget. What’s your cheap go to meals that can be frozen and reheated?
Sorry for the vent/long post. I’m not even sure what I’m asking. I guess just advice on how to go forward and be positive?
28 Replies
Why have you only got $50 left for food? Is it because you are paying off debts? Is it because your rent is too high?
If it’s debts it’s seriously time to talk to a financial counsellor. They are free and can help go through your finances and help you negotiate lower payments etc.
Relocating expenses, job loss, kids meds. She explained this in her post!
My friend is a single mum with 4 kids, after her general household expenses she only has $20 a week left for food. She relies heavily on food banks and charities.
As a child myself who suffered at the hands of my mothers paedophile husband for 8 yrs, how could you not know your kids were being 'raped' for 5 fucking years!! Fuck sake, those poor kids! Seriously, how could you not pick up on a single sign!
Being molested would be much harder for you to notice any signs, but raped?? And I hope that pig of a 'father' finds himself in hell one day.
Not the OP but this comment is seriously uncalled for!! Don’t blame her for the actions of the father! Abusers are well equipped at abusing a child and not leaving a damm sign of it that’s why so many children are abused for long periods of time without ANYONE knowing about it both from rape and being molested! It’s highly likely in hindsight she can now see some signs that she missed and even if she can’t that’s also completely normal.
I’m awfully sorry you’ve gone though trauma too but that’s no need to lash out at the OP for not knowing it had happened for 5 year 🥺
As someone else who was abused as a child, I also struggle to understand how parents don’t pick up on it. I know for a fact that there were changes in my personality and behaviour that for me now as a mother I wouldn’t be looking past. And there is no way you can hide the fact your raping a small child. There would be blood on the washing, discharge, complaining about soreness. So many things
Going by her time line, the girls would have started being raped at 2 and 4. Most two years olds are still in nappies and both would have still needed help washing, drying and dressing them selfs. There is no way that could have gone unnoticed. But sometimes it’s easier to pretend it isn’t happening. Kind of like the mother of the pedofiles two daughters that he was raping, while also abusing me. She admitted deep down she knew, just didn’t want to except it
Sadly rape is also the term used for any forced penetration of the vagina or anus and includes oral sex. If the children were raped orally it’s not necessarily likely the signs of abuse were enough to stand out for action to be taken quicker.
One could assume the children attended a daycare (abuse not noticed at the time), one could assume the children stayed with dad while mum worked long hours (limiting the ability to notice). One could make a lot of assumptions but given the very limited information provided I think we should all just help this mumma out and offer ways in which she can move forward and best support her children during this time and answer her question in how to get by with limited funds.
Abuse shouldn’t happen and when it does it should 100% lays with the person who perpetrated the abuse. Don’t let this mumma feel more guilt over what she didn’t see, I’m sure she’s beaten herself up a million times already and will do so a million times more before they can all find the healing they need to move forward.
I think this comment is extremely uncalled for..
You DO NOT know the circumstances in which things were happening. You do not know the situation which was being lived at the time the abuse was happening. OP has given a very very basic bare minimum background for support and help, and you have completely turned around her post and criticised her. Someone posts they are at rock bottom and this is your response? So much for a judgment free website.
What part of this website is judgment free? This is literally the worst place to ask for help or advice because you will be ripped apart on any and every subject.
trigger warning should have been mention in the title. Post about children being hurt or raped and nobody noticing will always stir up a negative response for people that are still struggling to come to terms with the fact that their own parents didn’t pay enough attention to notice what was happening to them.
^that is the worst excuse for behaviour.
(To be clear, Im replying to saying others do it so why not. Agree about post needing a TW).
Sorry no, that was my comment. I wasn’t trying to justify the behaviour, but if you read any comments on any post there is very little “advice given” this page is just a place for people to come and have a big opinion most of the time making someone else feel like shit.
You are in the toughest time right now. It wont always be like this, even though it feels never ending. Youre in a really really tough time. Give yourself credit. And time.
Cheap food - pasta! Pasta and creamy sauce, bol sauce, pesto. All cheap and make double batch. Potatoes. Sausages. Apples and pears. Make nice desserts too. Peanut butter. Fruit with pb. Pb sandwiches. Hot choc for treats.
1 pack of pasta and 1 jar of pasta sauce you could get for $4.
Rice and frozen veggies you could get for about $3.50.
You can get a pack of Sausages for about $5 and add to those meals.
A loaf of bread for $2, $3 of ham and 1kg cheese for $8.80 could make some yummy toasties.
A dozen eggs is about $4.50 and you could make scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, fried eggs or omelet.
We stick to apples & bananas for fruit and buy watermelon and strawberries when they are on special.
Wishing you all the best.
My fav meal growing up was a dish my mum cooked when she was broke.
Sausages, mushrooms, tin of tomatoes, tin of tomato soup with rice. If she could she would throw in spinach or zucchini
We are not in the same boat, and honestly, my kids ADORE my CFB meal- pasta, butter and parmesan cheese. I only make it once every few months because the boys go MAAAD for it.
Having said that,growing up, we didn't have access to a lot of food. My fav dishes are those that my parents prepared, where 1 chicken was broken down into almost a week's worth of food.
Are the kids at school? Are you able to look a some casual/part time work during the day? It would probably improve your mental health as well.
What state are you in? There are some really great places to assist. I know of a few in SE Melbourne.
Cheap meals:
- mince and lentils. Make a bolognaise sauce and cook with lentils and any other veggies you have. 500g of mince when cooked with lentils and veggies will last you a few meals like lasagne, spag bol and spuds with mince.
- baked spuds are great with any leftovers you might have
- Cheapest cuts of meat you can possibly get - anything well and truly marked down are amazing for slow cooked meals.
- Fried rice is very economical and can be a meal on its own for a couple of days.
- Eggs are healthy and amazing on their own, or if you have some cream, can be made into a quiche or frittata.
Do you have anything in your pantry? Shop from your pantry first if you can.
Oh and please go get help to a financial counsellor via your local community service.
At 9 and 12 your children are in school, you have a lot of spare time during the week to get a part time job, or look at oosh and maybe apply for full time. With the ages of your kids you wouldn’t be getting the full amount of centrelink payments as they are of an age that you can work if you want to.
One roast chicken, tub of cream, one onion, one packet of peas and corn and a packet of pasta makes up a huge dish that feeds my family of 7 for 3 meals, so would do your family a week. Also shepherds pie stretches out for a few meals, same as spag bowl.
With kids with complex needs like this, maintaining employment would be near impossible.
She may be picking kids up from school at random times through the week with no say in how or when the next call will come.
My son just with depression & anxiety has only attended school 2-3 days a week this term. There’s no way I could keep my job if he wasn’t old enough & stable enough to be home alone.
Kids could be homeschooled And or depending on area the perfect school hours job may be rare or near impossible to get? I love how you say jump on out there and get a job .. like it’s that easy 😂🙄
Kids could be homeschooled And or depending on area the perfect school hours job may be rare or near impossible to get? I love how you say jump on out there and get a job .. like it’s that easy 😂🙄
I don't think there is only so many times you can go to a food bank is there? Some near to me request a welfare card, others anyone can buy from. Ours have a cost, I think many in the cities could be free or much cheaper. Use them, it's what they are there for.
What are your families food likes ? What's on the don't even bother list?
Some of my faves. i don't necessarily need to shop this way, I do it because I despise waste! It's all super budget friendly though.
First, I keep peels and odd bits of stuff that are almost too soft to use in the freezer. When I have a bagful I make veggie stock. Salt is cheap - this is literally free flavour!
Meat, look at sharing with others. When you buy in bulk you get it so much cheaper. You could end up with twice what you would otherwise. For instance Coles and Woolies have their massive sausage trays for under $10. Go halves with someone and you get almost a kilo of snags for less than a fiver. Buy a 500g tray and it costs more than that! See which butchers have bulk buy specials on chicken in particular too. Ask at your local supermarkets if there's a time of day they usually mark down meat.
Veg grocers can often be cheaper than supermarkets for staples. Again, share shop. Massive bags of spuds, onions and carrots are dirt cheap when shared. Frozen homebrand peas and corn are cheap enough to use daily.
Use your phone to catalogue shop before going and have a list of who has what. It might not be worth the drive between 2 shops to save 20c on milk - but know where everything is so you can at least be sure you're getting the best deal.
Read the tickets! Usually buying in bulk should be cheaper yeah? At the local IGA it's cheaper per litre to buy 2 litre bottles of milk than it is to buy a 3 litre. 3 litres keep going off the shelves so I assume there's a lot of peeps out there not reading price tickets.
Jar sauce? Fuck that. 2 x tins of chopped tomatoes are about 70c each. Saute an onion, Chuck in your toms, add basil or mixed herbs or italian herb mix (grow some or dried) and cook down. Viola pasta sauce for a buck fiddy. Pasta is under a dollar a bag too.
Bulk out mince meals. Canned lentils and beans are cheap and easy. Drain and stir in maybe halfway through cooking. I prefer cannellini or borlotti beans. I put them in spag bols, lasagne mince, savoury mince, nacho mince.
My mum used to make a big pot of tuna pasta. It was a bag of pasta cooked, a pot of a white sauce roux with frozen veg and a big tin of cheap tuna thrown in. When it's all cooked mix it in the big pot, reheat the pasta back through a serve. I loved it cold too and ate it for days.
I'll keep an eye out for if you do come back and respond with stuff you guys like for more actual recipe ideas.
For the kids. You can't take away what's happened or how they'll cope going forward but the best thing you can do right now is get this shit together. When their world is in turmoil they need to know "mum's got this shit". And you do. It's all overwhelming now but breathe, focus, pull your new normal back in and control it. Don't stop looking for doors to open. And FFS, don't let other people's judgements affect how you feel. It's bad enough trying to get your shit together now without the hopelessness and helplessness that comes from taking other peoples opinions onboard. You're not hopeless or helpless, the focus is getting your shit together, not what anyone else thinks your shit should be.
Spaghetti Bog
Mince- 1 kg
Can of tomatoes
Jar of cheap spaghetti sauce
Jar of water
Simmer for a couple of hours on the stove
Cheapest pasta you can find cook as needed. If you get extra veg from a community garden that would help bulk it up and make it more nutritious.
If you do have a community garden then go and have a look for herbs and stuff to. Sometimes they grow fruit trees and when its in season you can grab some.
If you find a pumpkin or zuchinni try and get the seeds to grow. Grow herbs and spices if you can to make things more flavourful. Tomatoes too. Grow great in a pot
24 sausages from woolies for $9 loaf of bread quick and easy weekend lunches.
Spaghetti sauce can also be used for potato/shepards pie
Sign up for the soup kitchen in your town
Theyll bring bread and soup. I know a Double income family who were accessing it at one point in time. So the criteria must not have been too hard to fit.
Make friends with people with veggie gardens - will usually be dying to give their stuff away.
Put a post on your local buy sell swap group and offer to take any ones extra veggies so they dont go to waste.
Dont let your pride get in the way of you and your children eating!! If you were in my town id happily drop you a basket of veg from my garden, im not going to see people go hungry.
Contact victim services, they will cover the cost for any therapy needed for all of you. Also you can can apply for with them for a compensation payout for the abuse uses all went through. They can also cover the cost for you to relocate so you are away and unknown where abouts to your abuser. I hope this helps
Hi lovely
I. So sorry to hear what your family has been through.
In regard to PTSD contact your Gp for a mental health plan for the current you get 10 sessions or maybe 20 now and see a psychologist who does EMDR therapy this therapy won't take away to memory but the emotion attached to it such as fear, anxiety anger etc and although it doesn't take the memory it allows you to cope and process what's happened.
Also contact victims assist to see if they can help you out at all.
All the best
I just want to say I am proud of you for keeping this post up despite some of the first comments victim blaming. I would have taken it down as I wouldn’t have been able to cope with being blamed and I’m so proud of you for having the strength to keep it up to get the support you need.
I was the first person to comment calling people out saying it was uncalled for blaming the other parent and not the perpetrator and then further down too.
I’ve read the replies on the actual Facebook page and I am overwhelmed for you with the amount of support there is for you with people wanting you to help and assist you. I hope that it puts a smile on your face and gives you the strength on your journey forward.
Don’t be afraid to take the help, many ask for it but are afraid to take it. Don’t be. You deserve this more than anyone xxx