2 years ago I had an affair (no longer in contact) as my marriage was and is dead (for both of us) but we have decided to stay together for the kids. Hubbys given permission for us both to date others( not sure if hes being genuine or just angry)
It’s the same situation with my ex affair partner; he’s staying for his kids, although I don’t think he’s been as honest in saying that. He’s in denial somewhat.
I’m still very much in love with my affair partner, still think of him and want him everyday after all this time. I’m so lonely in my marriage, although some days I’m ok and fill my life with other things. Should I contact him and tell him how I feel after all this time? Both have tried to do “the right thing” by our families but maybe not the best for long term, pretending all is ok.
Please no judgement. Life happens.
20 Replies
No you should not contact him.
Unless he has left his wife you are playing a very cruel game. The number of times as a single woman I’ve heard the line ‘I’m only staying for the kids’ from a married man is a horrifying number. I can guarantee there wives think they are in a committed marriage for love.
If you are unhappy in your marriage then leave your marriage. Be single, create a happy life. Leave your heart open and the right person will come along.
This is NOT doing the right thing by your families. Stop kidding yourself. And its not love. Because you're not 'stuck' using someone to keep you a home, and its demeaning to your partners and your kids arent asking you for that burden or this mess.
And life doesnt happen. You are making choices. Choices that affects peoples lives. The kind that change a person, wasting their years on lies. What youre doing is actively making choices for your childrens future stability and relationship with parents (it will all come undone eventually) also you are their model for their future relationships and marriage (what youre modeling has life changing impacts on them).
If you need it spelled out, thats not that you cant separate. Its to treat your partner and your childrens family structure with dignity and loyalty and respect, while together and in separation. Dont raise them on lies and cheating. And stop acting like its all out of your hands, youre making the choices.
So in your mind do you want him to leave his wife for you or just go back to fucking you on the side?
Sleeping with someone else husband don’t just happen. That a choice you made. A very shitty choice and horrendously cruel to both of your spouses. You two deserve each other
He's not staying for his kids as much as he wants you to believe that. He's home because he still wants his wife. You were the other woman. If this weren't the case, you would know by now. After all its been two years since you last spoke to him. He isn't interestdd in you as much as you are in him. He was just too afraid to tell you so.
Time to move on and out as its not fair on your husband too since you aren't even happy at home, why stay. Set you and your husband free and just go. You can both parent your kids together, apart.
You need to sort your marriage out. And by sort it out I mean leave it. Why waste everyone's time and you're not doing yourselves or your kids any favours by staying in it. Then do whatever it is you want. You sound super selfish anyway I doubt you give a rats ass about anyone else's feelings.
No. Get your act together..
Start an affair again?
If he wanted to be with you he would. Your being Niave
No
It’s very SIMPLE.
He’s unavailable, he’s married, no further comment required.
Oh and life doesn’t just happen.....
Chances are he’s probably got another girl on the side and telling her all the same love stories he’s told you. Just leave your husband, he’s probably said what he said in anger and frustration and with a broken heart. You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave a marriage that doesn’t work for you but you have absolutely no right to destroy the marriage of another in the process. I feel sorry for both other spouses and I wonder if his wife actual knows he’s had (and probably still has) other woman on the side 🥺
If you think hubby isn't genuine, he's testing you. This proves you've failed. Separate and move on with someone not married.
For the love of god, divorce this man! What is actually wrong with you? You have an affair, god knows how many different men you have shagged. Then out of pure frustration your husband says you can get a boyfriend and instantly you start thinking about screwing a married man? Not only are you a terrible wife but setting a horrible example for your children! Your children now knows it’s totally acceptable to cheat and to be cheated on. Let this poor man go so he has a chance to fine love and happiness with a faithful partner that actually wants to be with him. And life does happen, that’s true. But affairs don’t just happen, we all make choices, just seems your choices are revolting and cruel.
Agree. Dont know how you can do this to another human. You even say you dont know if he means it or hes just so desperate and frustrated. Hes broken. Youre breaking him. And you keep going.
Some people just have no soul when it comes to getting what they want. It should break your heart into a million prices knowing that you are destroying you husbands heart. There is no love.
This whole thing is a mess...
A few major concerns- your children aren't learning about love and what a caring committed relationship looks like, their normal will be your just sticking it out and in the long run thats not healthy
Your husband (perhaps not genuinely as you said) said to date other people and your first instinct is to run back to someone who you betrayed your family for, and who betrayed his as well.... who you have already realised probably hasn't been as honest with himself or his family as you have with yours....
Work on your marriage, or leave it and work on yourself. That kind of dishonesty between you and this other guy will breed more distrust and pain...
Sorry
Seriously for the kids? No they know more then you realise and you’re doing more damage staying together. To answer your question no do not contact him you seriously need therapy to think this whole situation is ok, ok let’s think of the practical side so your husband will say you stay with the kids so I can fuck my girlfriend then the next night you can go fuck your boyfriend the kids won’t realise one of us leaving the house haha it all needs to be in secret no one wants to be someone’s secret well no one decent anyways. Your husband and you deserve better, separate or get therapy together to see if you can fix your issues
"We're staying together for the kids".
No. You're staying together for your own self serving purposes and you're in utter denial if you believe otherwise!
Using the kids as your reasoning is just a convenient way to avoid making hard decisions, to avoid taking accountability and to avoid any kind of self reflection.
You are actively damaging your children. They will grow up with a really skewed and unhealthy idea of what love looks like, that will inevitably follow them in to their own adult relationships.
That's not even taking into account how your kids are suffering now. Kids are intuitive, even of you think you're shielding your kids from all this, they can feel the tension, the animosity, the lovelessness, the lack of respect and the hurt. I can tell you from experience, that's the exact vibe that drives kids to hate being at home and they'll probably resent you for it.
All that aside - Im usually pretty open minded about open relationships but they only work when they're based on mutual respect and mutual interest in such arrangements. You and your husband go down this route and it'll be based on hurt, trauma and probably a fair amount of spite.
I also have to object to the "life happens" justification. Life does just happen sometimes but that only applies to things that are beyond our control. An affair is not beyond your control, an affair is a choice. It's a choice that you are now experiencing the direct consequences of.
My advice, you need to do some deep soul searching and either commit to fixing your marriage or ending it.
It's not fair for anyone to live in limbo like this.
From someone who grew up in aloveless home where the adults thought it were best to "stay together for the kids" you are not together. You are not role modelling to your children how to be happy or what a happy and healthy relationship looks like. It is not easier on the kids. Please for the sake of your children, make your separation official and go find your happiness. Your husband in years to come will also likely be thankful you didnt drag it out for the kids sake. Go see a counselor. Take control of your life and be happy. Ain't nobody happy if Mumma ain't happy.
No. Theres other peoples feelings to consider other than your own.