Hello imperfect mums!
I’d love to get some advice from those that have been there in terms of separating from my husband :(
We’ve been on rocky ground for years. I’m totally done. We fight constantly, just this morning he carried on calling me a f*cking witch and a c*nt because I asked him to turn off the show he was watching on telly and put something on for the kids who are both home sick. All in front of the kids. Again. This happens all the time and they don’t even bat an eyelid because this sort of thing happens so often. I feel sick thinking about the horrible example were setting for the kids - especially our daughter. There’s no respect and certainly no affection or romance. The problem is I don’t know how to leave because the timing just never seems right and where the hell do I begin?
We have 2 kids, one in school the other off to school next year. Husband earns good money and I’ve been lucky enough to stay home with the kids (with a view of me returning to work next year). He controls all the finances. I hold no power there. He doesn’t withhold money from me but I do have to ask for it. He has an idea that I can’t be trusted with it. We bought our first house 5 years ago, we’re still working on some pretty big renos with the idea that we’ll sell it once done. We have maybe 25k in the bank. His parents help out a lot. I don’t have any family support.
Do I just bite the bullet and leave in the middle of renovations and ask for half our savings? Or should I wait till we finish them then tell him I want out (meanwhile eating into those savings)? I don’t want to take the next step with him and buy a new house... or should I because it would be worth more and then better for the kids? Should I wait till my youngest is at school so I can find work first and then maybe have a chance at being able to afford a rental? If I don’t, how on earth do I manage that on my own?? Where should I begin? Who can I talk to about my rights? Do I even have any, considering he earns all the money and his parents have helped a lot financially aswell over the years?
I can’t walk away with nothing because there’s no way I can leave my kids and how could I keep them with me if I have nothing? If we end up with lawyers involved, hes really good at big noting himself and talking about his accomplishments and attributes. Im really scared Ill end up with nothing.
I want to have as much sorted as I can before having the conversation with my husband because he can get really really nasty and I’m worried he just simply won’t allow me to leave.
Sorry if I’m a bit all over the place, my thoughts are so scrambled about this whole thing... any words of wisdom??
8 Replies
There will always be an excuse to stay.
Make a plan and act on it. That may mean filing for parenting payment single (separated under the one roof) to get you started.
Go with whatever plan that gets you out the fastest.
Put the youngest in daycare and start working or file paperwork with centrelink to claim a single parent pension. You will get a decent amount of child support if he earns good money and all the other payments from centrelink. When it comes to financial separation, you had children with him so you will be entitled to the larger share of everything. His Super, the house, savings, house hold items, everything
Him swearing at you wasn't about the TV show, it's about years of deep seated issues. So now it's just normal he reacts this way about anything you see as minor because his anger is stemming from a place from other past reasons, whatever the are. Only you two know.
In any event, you will be entitled to his money, savings, super , house etc and so will the kids.
He's probably going to hate that he's going to lose a chunk of all his money and that's when out of spite, he might try to prevent it, but you"re his wife and have rights to his money too so fight for it. Its just as much yours as it is his.
You married each other so everything is shared. Even his marital debt is yours and vice versa . That's how the law see's it.
See a lawyer, you have rights, don’t worry about him big noting himself, lawyers have seen it all.
Get all your ducks in a row, then tell him.
Good luck, you’ve got this ❤️
Line your ducks up. Look after #1
For me,
I secured employment, then we all moved (into a rental), which turned out to be closer to my employment with the kids school and daycare a within the same suburb.
Then pulled the trigger. However I had been done for a few years and was just living because it was a security blanket. Once I regained my own independence I felt secure enough to leave...I did.
Never looked back. But its important not to pull the trigger if you are vulnerable, or if there is a risk you will return because of external forces (money, housing, guilt etc).
Good luck!
Take at least half or all the money saved if you can. He will spend it all anyway and then it's not counted towards anything. (mine blew almost 80k)
Make a plan and go. Engage with services to support you and provide direction.
Start taking photos of paperwork, things in the house to cover yourself. Expect nothing from him, money, house, furniture.
Lodge Centrelink claim.
Move to your parents or a rental or refuge if needed... It's easier than trying to get him out of the house.
Get the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, and the barefoot investor. Give yourself the tools to get through this.
His parents will be unlikely to help you, they will believe what ever bs he tells them.
My only regret is not leaving sooner.
I would try hurry the renos. When kid starts school next year find job. Then do it. House goes on the market and you get half to set yourself and kids up. Thats what i would do.
Leave. Leave. Leave. I suffered along for years waiting for “the right time”. There is never a right time. Like you, we were renovating, kids starting high school, kids starting primary school, screaming matches in front of them that they didn’t even notice anymore. Hopefully you’ve kept up a dialogue with you kids that this isn’t the right way parents should speak to each other... you’ll be fine financially, lawyers don’t listen to egotists... they’re all about percentages and the right and just division of property. I’m two and a half years out and my life is amazing, peaceful and exciting. It has been tough but soooooo worth it.
Leave. Leave. Leave.