I just really need some support right now. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, we have a gorgeous son, we bought a house last year and I love him with all of my heart but I’ve had to break it off. This is a long one, I’m very sorry.
Backstory;
Three years ago I had to move interstate to live with MIL because our son was having severe health issues and my partner wasn’t able to join us for a year due to his work. During that year he joined dating sites, contacted multiple sex workers and in general wasn’t faithful. There’s no evidence of physical cheating but I’ve moved forward with the assumption that there was.
Skip to present and we’ve gone through extensive affair recovery and we are happier than we’ve ever been, we’ve planned our futures, are engaged, planning for another baby and a bigger car etc etc. Part of our affair recovery was an agreement that if I’m ever feeling insecure I have full permission to go through his phone, which I know many have a problem with but it was a strongly recommended thing during affair recovery.
I haven’t felt the need to do it for almost a year but the other night the thought struck to just check. I don’t know why, I wasn’t suspicious of anything. I found that he had been deleting conversations with a female coworker who I had said to him I wasn’t comfortable with how “friendly” she is towards him (Our security has even joked about putting a sexual harassment complaint against her).
He told me that she contacted him about getting weed from his dealer a few times and he deleted it because I had told him I didn’t want him talking about weed at work because I’m 2IC. I didn’t and wouldn’t have cared about him sending her to his dealer because I already knew he’d told her about smoking weed again.
So now he says he feels stupid because I wouldn’t have cared but I’m more caught up in how with his history he thought that deleting messages was better? Even if he’s telling the truth and he’s not cheating again I’m caught up on him hiding things in the first place.
I told him we have to break up because I’ve already gone through affair recovery before, the stress and paranoia Id have to go through to stay in the relationship would be too much and I don’t want to be that crazy fiancé/wife who has to know where he is at every second of the day. If he’s going to work around the one thing we use to maintain trust after what he did then how can I trust him at all.
I’m just so broken because I love him so much and we were so happy up until that moment. It feels like my entire future has just been ripped from under my feet.
12 Replies
Maybe you are over reacting on this one due to past trauma and should give yourself a few days to think and make a proper decision outside the highly emotional bubble you are in
Hes still a sneaky liar
If he didn’t sleep with anybody how exactly did he have an affair? But this particular thing you are blowing way out of proportion.
Affair recovery covers both emotional and physical cheating, and affairs or one night stands. Also, I assume it was physical at least once. If it was just this I would let it slide, but after being trickle truth’d about his 7 months of cheating I’m not mentally prepared for deceit of any kind.
Cheating isn’t just sex.
Your better than me! I have had been out the first time.
It’s enough, life is too short sweetheart!
This is toxic as fuck. He has a 'dealer' was a previous cheater, with suspicious current behaviours, you never recovered from the past shit he put you thru, but yet you still went ahead and bought a house with him.
You're living on a prayer that was never answered.
Would have been better for u to leave long before this because the past damage was already long done. He's made a fool out of you and you have allowed it by blindly loving him. You never really did forgive him but now you've got yourself in deeper than it was before.
If you think really hard, deep down, you already know you can't trust him and that you never forgave him but you've listened to your heart instead of your head.
Just notice that he feels stupid for lying if he didnt need to, he doesnt feel bad for deceiving you or being a sneaky shit. Not at all. He just didnt know he didnt need to, so he erred on the safe side and lied. Like a teenage boy/mother relationship.
You cant teach somebody how to be a decent human and partner. You have to see it when they show you who they are.
At the end of the day, you know you can’t trust him and he has difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries.
What’s the point of a long term relationship with someone you don’t trust?
You did all the right things with therapy, but he didn’t understand therapy. He went through the motions but disregarded the basic fact that he had to EARN your trust back. He didn’t learn anything, he decided to hide everything instead.
So I can understand why you are upset and wanting to end things. You took a chance and worked your butt of dealing with really tough emotions and pain, and he repaid you by doing this incredibly stupid, shitty thing, making you believe he learnt nothing in therapy!
The love of your life respects you, loves you through the good and bad times, never makes you insecure, never is deceitful, never causes you pain, they are the rock you turn to in bad times, they don’t create them.
When your child had health problems, that’s when you and your son needed the most support and love (even from a distance) and that’s when he showed you who he was.
You had a child to this guy, he’s your biggest mistake, not biggest love.
Take off the rose coloured glasses....
Firstly good for you for being so strong and not putting up with it. He is disrespectful towards you and what you have been through already. You will be better off in the long run moving on. He has proven it. What about the messages you haven’t seen. Your poor girl. Such an awful feeling but you deserve better.
You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how far you have come and the work you have put in.
He has broken your trust after all that hard work and I know its hard to gain it back once it has been broken.
How long has it been since you did the therapy stuff? Just asking because he could have fallen back into bad habits and needs a refresher to get back on track. I could be wrong and he could just be an ass. Either way you need to do what is right for you, don't feel bad for putting yourself first.