My (ex) husband walked out on me and our 3 kids and into the arms of their daycare teacher when our youngest was 4 months old. After some heartbreaking news about 18 months later we reconciled and got back together during which he was sexting other women, and god knows what else. I tried to move on but it drove me mad, I couldn’t cope and we broke up after about 1 year. That was over 5 years ago, and it was up to me to pick up the pieces of our lives and soldier on. I have based my work and personal life around the kids, because I’m a mother and that’s what we do. It has only been the last year that he has stepped up and been a fairly good dad, before that he was cancelling on them continuously and telling me that work was his priority when the kids cried for him. In all of the crap that happened, not once did I badmouth him to them, as I didn’t want them to hate their dad, and figured as they got older they would see the truth. Now he has decided that he has his life on track and wants to see the kids more often, including having them stay over on school nights. Am I being petty to think this is completely unfair and unreasonable. I know I am being emotional to a point as I feel like I put in the hard yards when they were little, and now feel like he wants them because he’s had his time to party and do whatever, and they are older and easier to deal with now. Plus they are good babysitters for his girlfriends younger kids, which they have told me they do, as well as doing chores while they are at his house every second weekend. Just looking for other opinions, please no nastiness, I’m already feeling very upset at the thought of seeing them less.
14 Replies
Argh this is the nightmare, that they wont go away but wont be present properly. And i get it, youll probably never trust him to do the right thing by them long term. To me, if the signs are showing hes not doing right even short term, Id be giving him nothing and making him fight for anything.
I know this is really difficult but the only question which is important here is “is this in the best interests of my child?” Put aside your feelings and if the answer is no then take it to mediation. The older the kids get the more difficult it is to do shared care with jobs and sports etc.
It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, do what’s right for the kids now.
Whether that’s more time or not, you know the answer.
Allow the kids to also have a say in this decision, as they are older now.
Is he a good dad while they are in his care?
Are they in danger?
Do they want to go?
These are the only questions you need to ask because nothing else matters. Your feelings, the past, who he slept with, none of it. This isn’t about either of you, it’s about what is best for your shared children and how they can have the best relationship with both of you.
I dont want my 15 yr old son seeing his dad who also walked out of his life when he was a baby and to this day has never paid child support, but yet owns a shit load of expensive assets and spoils his other kids but never contributes toward his own son.
But my son 'want's to see him, to my disgust actually, but for the sake of my son, I'm cordially pleasant to his dad, and allow them as much contact as routinely possible. And this is 'only' because it's what my son wants. I had to take my own feelings out of it, and so did my husband, my sons step dad, and its hard, but so should you... Your own feelings do not matter.
Think of it like this... he walked . Contact isn't about him and what he wants . Its about what is in the best interests of your child.
Kids will make up their own minds as they age about how they really feel about the absent parent.
gosh that’s hard stuff and hats off to you!!
I agree and I was told for many years “don’t worry the kids will come to see the truth” and they DID. I felt like torture in the middle of it but sadly if parents let their kids down they will one day recognise who never left them.
Absolutely 100 percent.
I’m an adult now. My mother never bad mouth my Dad and only restricted access when it was dangerous for us.
He fought ever cent he had to pay and is a complete narcissist. Text book.
All four of his kids do not speak to him anymore. He is missing all his grandkids lives.
Mum let us figure it out and never hindered our relationship ever. I’m sure it was the toughest thing she has ever had to do as there was ALOT of heart ache along the way.
I think he sounds like he has grown up a bit and that can only be a good thing. It is hard letting go of our kids when we have been the main carer forever but you also have to realise your kids have 2 parents. See the positive side to shared care - you will get a few easy weeknights without having to cook dinner, no school run etc. Go through mediation though and get a plan written up which you both agree to, your kids don't babysit (unless it's a paid job and they are old enough), they don't do too many household jobs, all the stuff you are worried about put in the plan.
There are worse things in the world than a father wanting to spend time with his kids.
Yes a father that does it shittily is worse.
Say no and stick to your guns. Tell him the kids are happy the way it is and that’s all there is to it. There would be reasons behind it. Stuff him!
Totally not fair that he was a cheating dick and you did all the hard work BUT it’s about the kids and what they want and need. It’s also good for you to start having more of a life for yourself as they will be grown up soon enough. The resentment you still feel is only hurting you. Give him a bit more time (he would get it in court anyway) and work on your own happiness and future plans. It’s not fair but you can’t change what happened, only how you move on. Happiness is the best revenge!
You need to remember that your feelings about him and your romantic relationship don't matter. You need to think about your children and take yourself out of it.
Now it is going to be a change for your children and you so it's probably better to do it gradually, increase his current time by 1 night, do that for 3-6 months and then increase again. You need to work out an end goal though, do you think you guys will be able to make 50/50 work? Or more like 60/40? Whatever it is you need to figure out an end goal. Go to mediation to talk about it if that would help.
As for the chores there is NOTHING wrong with children learning responsibility. Unfortunately you can't control what the father does in his time so if he wants them to babysit the other kids then that's up to him. Like you said your children will figure out the truth as they get older.