Would you want to know?
Pretext: My husband and I have a happy healthy polyamorous marriage. We have worked extremely hard to find the right balance for us and we are in a great place.
I was on a hookup/dating app about 2 years ago and was ‘matched’ by a guy on there who was in my city for a short time. When I clicked on his photo I realised he was a guy I’d known during my uni days, we had lots of mutual friends but lost touch after graduation. I said something like ‘hello stranger, long time no see! It’s XX from uni.’ As soon I he saw my message he blocked me. I figured he was just embarrassed because this app is very kink/swinger friendly.
I’d forgotten all about this until today when his Facebook profile popped up in my ‘people you may know’. Out of curiousity I looked at his profile and saw his beautiful wedding photos. He got married a year ago but by looking at his wife’s profile they have been together for 5-6 years.
So my question is what do I do with this information? Should I contact her and let her know her now husband was trawling for sex while visiting his home town? (They live overseas.) Should I leave it alone and keep my mouth shut? I don’t have any proof of this interaction. I don’t know if they have an open relationship but I doubt it. Would you want to know if it was you and your husband?
21 Replies
If it was your husband and it wasn't something you agreed to my answer would be different, bit you really know nothing about them as a couple or him anymore and are assuming everything in regards to them.
I'd leave it right one, it has nothing to do with you. I'm telling you as a person who has a child with a married man. She knows about our child, knows we still speak and he still sees me (no sex for the last 2 years or ever again), but you have to be aware that you will ruin someone's existence mentally and while I don't agree with cheating, sometimes people have reasons for doing so.
Omg are you even serious? Why be a trouble maker, you barely know these ppl, leave them alone.
Short answer, 100% I'd want to know if my husband was on any kind of dating/kink websites because we do not have any arrangements between us that would make that okay.
However, if I were in your position, I'd be very reluctant to get involved and I say that as someone who's actually been in a similar position. My hubby and i discovered a mum we know from our kids school on a certain website, a mum who portrays herself to be in a very traditional, Christian marriage.
I decided that seeing as I didn't really know her or her husband that well, it wasn't really my problem.
Giving less fucks about what other people are/aren't or should/shouldn't be doing is actually really liberating.
I personally feel like I'm only obligated to make information like this known if someone's safety is jeopardized. Adopting this approach is kind of necessary when you choose to live certain sexual lifestyles.
Do you want people contacting your husband about you being on the site?
I think given that the site has a swingers component etc it’s quite possible that his wife already knows.
I have been contacted by friends saying they saw my husband on tinder/bumble and was glad they told me because I felt they were looking out for me. I was able to explain that I knew he was on there and didn’t mind.
I’m not trying to be a troublemaker, I just don’t want a woman getting an STI because her husband is going around behind her back.
So you're on a swingers dating app, and you are in a poly relationship, yet when there's people potentially in the same situation you want to rat them out and potentially embarrass them? WOW. Just freaking wow.
If I had a dollar for every guy on a hook up site who was ‘poly’ or ‘in an open relationship’ who’s wife/girlfriend was home with the kids thinking he’s at a mates house I’d be able to pay off my mortgage. Guys lie all the time about that. If they are poly on a poly website there is nothing to be embarrassed about.
You aren’t the sexual police, just run your own race.
It’s none of your business.
You sound like a nasty trouble maker. Time you got a life!
How rude of you to say that. I’m not trying to destroy anyone’s life. I was just after opinions on if this woman deserves to know. My loyalty lies with her, not with him. I don’t want her giving up the best years of her life to some lying prick who’s fucking around behind her back.
Sounds like you're upset he blocked you. If that's not your motivation, it's definitely how his wife will perceive it. Leave it alone. You know nothing about their situation or whether he even did anything.
I’m definitely not upset he blocked me. I had a good laugh about it at the time and then forgot all about it. I don’t care about him at all, I’m wondering if woman to woman I have an obligation to let her know he’s on hook up sites. I’d hate to think of a woman spending her life with a guy who is fucking around behind her back.
No obligation at all. You didn't even know she existed at the time. They could have been separated and got back together or anything.
I would let her know but maybe from a fake account or someone else account so he doesn’t put it to you and then leave it be. Tell her what website and all and then leave it at that.
I don’t know if they have an open relationship, but I doubt it.....hmmm
I find this post and your mentality very interesting.
You knew this guy at uni years ago, have never met his partner and have never had any interactions with them, but want to insert yourself into their lives.
You’re in a poly relationship.
You took a look at a guys social member account and decided they aren’t in a poly relationship.
So you judged them on a few photos?
So what does a poly couple look like?
Do you have it tattooed to your forehead?
I get a superior vibe from you, that there’s no way they are as enlightened as you, so there’s no way they’re poly.
I get an attitude of, I’m allowed on this website, but you aren’t.
I would want to know but chances are she won’t believe you. Msg her and let her know to keep it from him until she can find out more information herself and be sorry to tell her.
Stay out of it not your problem.
You don’t know any of his circumstances and you don’t know his wife.
If I got a random message from some chick I would think she’s nuts!
This has happened personally to me and it’s not nice. Especially when you don’t know their relationship
I would want to know. If she doesnt believe you then so be it but if you plant seed and it makes her at least get std/sti checks then you have done a good thing.
If they are in a polyamorous/swinger relationship then your message wont be of any damage to their marriage.
I just think you more upset that he shot you down , and why would you want to stir crap in their marriage based on a profile pic
Been in your shoes, I told him I knew he wasn't honest as knew his wife from way back and that he needed to think about the repercussions. I have kept my mouth shut because every relationship is different and not my place.