I have been with my partner now for 16 years. I had a 2 year old daughter when we met. At my daughters 18th birthday party, my MIL said, in front of all the guests, that I should "Thank" my partner for taking us on. (this has always been her attitude) I laughed it off and said that my partner was lucky cause he got a bargain ( 2 for 1 deal)
I can't stop thinking about this, It has really bothered me. Would you say something about it, knowing the situation probably won't change? Or would you let it go, and just continue living your life? My partner doesn't feel the same way as his mother obviously.
MIL Attitude
MIL Attitude
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
21 Replies
I’d prob mention it to my partner casually... and hope he’d say something.
These things with my personality would eat away at me until I usually over react to the comment... I’m glad you addressed it in the moment! I can heed a lesson from this 😊
Maybe she means thank him for raising your daughter like his own? That I would be thankful for, reality is he could have walked away when he found out you had a daughter but he's hung around for 16 years. It's hard work raising someone else's child.
I mean, I WOULD be thankful for that. So I guess she is right? It's something to be thankful for, that someone who has no biological relation loves your kid unconditionally.
I am the OP. The way I look at it is this, of course I'm thankful to have met him, but I don't think he took on my daughter. I was quite capable of looking after her myself. We were a package deal and he wanted the package. Is he supposed to be thankful to me because I took him on? I have looked after his needs for 16 years too. Yet no one will tell him, be thankful to me. She was and is not something to 'endure' and neither was I. We were his choice.
As he was mine. Slate was wiped clean when we made that choice. What is really sad is that people think single mums are a liability.
My daughter became his daughter the minute we began living together. He shares her joys, he shares her sadness. He loves her as I do. And that was his only option. Because if he didn't, I would not be with him.
❤️❤️❤️
You have answered your own post. Take it where your heart tells you just as your response shows
Your mil is right though. You should be thankful that he emotionally and financially raised YOUR child for the last 16 years. He didn’t have to, and a lot of men would have bailed at the first sign or a women having already had a child and failed relationship to another person. If your partner doesn’t see it that way, that wonderful. He is obviously one of the rare ones but that doesn’t mean his family doesn’t see it that way.
A real man isn’t scared of a woman with children and raising them as their own. Who knows why her previous relationship failed, maybe she’s a widow, maybe he’s a woman basher, maybe he just wasn’t a good enough person, maybe he didn’t want to raise his own child. 1950’s opinions aren’t needed here. It’s 2020. Her MIL sounds like a bitch.
The only people scorned by this happening are ridiculous people who think they’re better than everyone else. Even hookers and porn stars get husbands.
Your hubby is a gem, I would have thanked him by saying you’ve loved doing life with him and raising your daughter together xx
Ugh. I hate when people automatically think the man is the one who brings home the bacon. This woman was a single mother and pretty sure she was quite capable of financially raising her own child 🙄
If it's affecting you that badly, your DH needs to know & do something about it if you don't think talking to her yourself will help. I've been there with a MIL like this. It was only when DH finally stepped in she stopped.
I don't agree with other commenters. You're not 'lucky he took you on'. I find that offensive & demeaning. I think you're all lucky, including him, to have each other in your lives. I'm sure your daughter has brought him great joy and he chose freely to have her in his life.
Regardless, the comment should never have been made publicly.
I agree wholeheartedly!
I am one of the other commenters and I'm not implying she's lucky he took her on, but she should be grateful that someone with no obligation to is raising her child as his own. Both my partner and I are grateful to each other for exactly that with our kids from previous relationships. It's hard work parenting someone else's child often without any reward.
While I don’t buy into ‘ your lucky he took you on ‘ I also wouldn’t make a thing about it.
She clearly says stupid shit, I’d let it go unless it escalates.
I don't understand why people are saying you should be thanking him in the first place? He chose to present in both of your lives. Maybe he should be grateful you allowed him to be a part of her growing up? Everyone saying you should be grateful makes it sound like he was forced to do something he didn't want.
MIL sounds nasty to be making a comment like that in front of guests. Have a chat with partner about how you feel and see whether or not he's on the same pages because that's what's gonna matter here.
I agree with her. You should be thankful. I'm thankful for my husband and how he does anything for my kids that are also his lol. And he's thankful for me. When did being thankful for someone's selflessness become a bad thing?
First check into seeing if she was being vinductive or not. Maybe she just chose a bad choice of words and didn't for a second imply you were a burden on him or thankless. I'd find out how she meant it first. She probably has no idea she's upset you. I've been in this position with my husbands family too. His parents are constantly forgetting my HUGE role in their sons life. It does get me down but i know they just have a shit choice of words sometimes. Doesn't make it easier though.
I'm a stepmum and I'm thankful for husband for bringing his 3 kids into my life, and making us a family. You are not a liability.
Whilst I’m forever thankful to my amazing fiancée, he chose me and by choosing me he chose to help raise our children some of which are not his own Biologically and he does a freaking fabulous job of raising them with me. He’s grateful for me, I am grateful for him. He didn’t have to stay in our lives I gave him so many outs before we became what we are. He’s amazing in every way and he tells me I am amazing too. For taking him on and allowing him to be a part of this life.
My MIL would never say this to me, because I’m sure she knows I’d chuck it right back at her about how they should be thanking me for allowing them to be a part of my children’s lives because I don’t just let any old person into their lives, you gotta be a certain type of person to be allowed near my kids or I’ll just cut you off 😅 They don’t need that kind of negativity in their lives. We’re a package deal accept one accept all or have nothing to do with us. We don’t mind.
There's a difference between being thankful and appreciative of a good partner and thanking someone for taking you on like you're damaged goods.
(Which you are not by the way).
What your MiL said and the fashion in which she said it points to her meaning the latter.
I'd take the high road though, she's not important enough to waste emotional energy on.
I'm wondering if there was a shout out at this party and your husband was left out of it? That might explain it.
If she was saying in a rude way, which I’m guessing she was,..... don’t play her games. She’s wanting a rise out of you. She wants you to respond. Don’t. Be the better person and ignore her. If you need to do something get your partner to say something to her. She will be more inclined to stop if he says something not you. Xx