How do you deal? Sorry this is so long and probably a bit angry and nasty but I have to get this out before I go crazy.
Last year my husband started to develop a relationship with another woman. It never esculated to physical but I honestly believe that that is purely because I found out and stepped in. She was an old friend and it started after her husband left her. They started talking once in a while and then I found out it was becoming more and more often. To the point that on Christmas day he spent the entire time messaging her and couldn't even look up from his phone to watch our kids open their presents. She sent him some really inappropriate messages including photos of her laying in bed naked with a sheet placed sexually over her. When I found out about the messages I lost my shit and he told her so instead they started using snapchat to talk so that I wouldn't see them. Needless to say I had a total breakdown over this and so many other issues that were going on. I let all my hurt and anger and heartbreak fly rawly and directly at him and ended up breaking his heart over how badly he had hurt me. He had been in a severe depression for over a year (suicidal) which had lead to him becoming this horrible person who treated me this way. When he saw me break it was like a bitch slap to the face which helped pull him from his depression. He has devoted every second since to making things right between us. He removed her from social media, deleted everything but Facebook, gave me all his passwords etc. He now worships the ground I walk on and gives me so much love and care and has become an amazing husband and father again. He has sought professional help, gone back to work and so on. Anything he could do to change he has done it. Don't get me wrong we still have our moments but they are over small things and when something goes wrong he works really hard to fix it. It's taken a lot from both of us but it is working. I know not for everyone and I probably shouldn't have stayed but I really do love him enough to forgive (not forget) and move forward.
There is just one problem: her! I am so angry that another woman could do this to someone else's marriage. She knew we were married, he talked about me with her, it wasn't like he was one of those guys hiding his wife or bad mouthing me. I have seen the messages and he talked about me quite often. How does a woman do that? Even when he told her I was worried about things her response was I can understand that because my ex did the same thing to me! Well then why the fuck would she keep the relationship going? What the hell is wrong with her? I am so angry and honestly just want to scream at her and punch her right in her face. He has no contact with her at all anymore however I see her pop up all over Facebook and have seen her occasionally when out and about. She actually now lives in the very small town my parents and grandparents live in! We all have mutual friends who have no idea what she has done and is effecting our relationship with them.
So my question is how do I deal with her and my anger towards her? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
21 Replies
I’d honestly drop it.
Your relationship issues isn’t her fault. I know that hurts to hear.
She’s a shitty person who was in a shitty place doing shitty things.
But your relationship isn’t her problem.
She has low self esteem and attached herself to your husband. YOUR husband.
Your husband is responsible for how he acts, who he talks to and how he feels and reciprocated to her.
I’m glad he came to his senses, but what happens when the next female comes along ...?
I’d go to therapy.
While what she did was shitty, she was obviously feeling really low herself, and she couldn’t behave that way unless he left the door open for it.
The only person who owed you in this situation was your husband. He wasn’t a victim and if he’d shut it down straight away (like he should have done) it would never have gone that far.
He let her believe he was available to cheat. He had all the control here. He could have blocked her at any time. He choose not to.
Don’t waist energy and time being angry at someone who owed you nothing.
She owes you nothing!
If you want to be angry, be angry at the person who you are in the relationship with. He did the wrong thing. He could have told her to stop, he didn’t. He loved the attention. But it’s easier as a wife to blame the “home wrecker” not your own husband.
She owes you nothing, and you owe her nothing too. He owes you. So your anger placed on him was aimed at the correct person. Him.
Also you have forgiven him when he's the one who hurt you, but yet your hate is stronger for her?. Shes a stranger and no one to you. Focus on where your healing is happening - with your husband, bcoz you are wanting to forgive him. Remember, forgiveness is a choice . You have chosen to forgive him but are now holding her part in it as more weight on you than his part and what he did.
It should be the other way around. If you're going to stay with him, its never going to get better long term for you if you continue to harbour blame, hate, and non forgiveness on her alone. He's married to you, not her, so focus your energies there since you are choosing to stay in ur marriage .
Give her no more thought. She doesnt get to sit consuming occupied space in your head all the time while he gets a forgiveness card .
Its HIS fault. Not hers.
Because people care for themselves. If he is giving himself to her, he is telling her about you its more in a conspiratorial way - them both against you. Remember he only tells what he wants, and they always lean back on the 'but i talked to her about you' 'but i thought about you' 'but i realised i loved you when it eventually ended'
It doesnt make him any better and its working to shift the blame to her, but she was also being strung along. He was the married one and he shouldn't have been engaging with her at all. Keep focused on him.
As a single woman I’ve been told by men a number of times ‘we aren’t really together’ ‘’we live separate lives’ etc
Of course I’m not sad or lonely enough to believe or fall for that nonsense but I know people who have done.
Yep. Its just for the kids, its been over for years, blah blah as a single mum I wonder what they think they sound like, but I guess some buy it or are just low enough they're willing to wait and hope.
I’ve hated people for a lot less lol I don’t blame you. ❤️
Exact situation as hers ?
I can never fully understand how woman forgive their partner but still carry all this very ugly hate around for the woman who HE did it with. To be honest, she owes you nothing. She probably thinks nothing of you and you are literally no skin off her shoulder. That's exactly why she could do what she did. So, drop it. Don't even give her the time of day in your thoughts. If you can rise above this with your partner, then rise above it with her. She's nothing to you anyway. You've done all this hard work on repairing the relationship with your partner, keep focusing on that.
Eventually karma comes around anyway, she'll have her turn.
Its pain, just transferred so they can handle that theyve decided to have him back and deal with him, so she cops the bad taste of the whole thing.
I don’t, I think it’s the fact she has love and affection for her husband but some woman, she doesn’t have that connection. This woman is just her deeds, nothing more, whereas her husband is a whole rounded person, with good and bad parts.
I don’t think there’s anyone who has been cheated on that hasn’t hated the other woman for a period of time. I think it’s normal. OP, when you forgive her, you heal yourself, do it for yourself, not that despicable woman.
It's his fault entirely. How is this not seen!
Because it’s easier to pretend it’s somebody else’s fault. He was just a poor innocent victim to the women and situation. She is a vile, cruel home wrecker just out to steal mean and distort families 😂
I never said he’s innocent and she’s vile.
I’m just saying, that you are going to hate both for a while.
Cognitively, everything you say is correct, but people aren’t robots, matters of the heart aren’t rational sometimes.
Hating the other woman is only hurting her and she will see that one day.
It all takes time.
I also think it’s a little of ‘boys will be boys’ mentality. It’s that deeply engrained belief that men can’t control themselves and if she hadn’t offered herself up, it would never have happened. Like the male is a victim of there gender, sex drive and a single women.
I’ve seen it in friend groups where married women drop a friend the minute she becomes single because she might ‘trap’ her husband.
I have been in your position and am still with my partner now 2.5yrs later but we did have a brief separation. My situation was a little different as my partner and the other woman had never met- purely online however got to the stage where she was going to fly here to meet him in person.
Yes I hate her, I still do. I spoke to her regularly after I found out about her as I was told they were friends and thry had nothing to hide. However then found the secret phone along with all the messages etc..
My hate for her is still as strong today as it was then purely for the reason that she knew about me. I cant understand how another person could do that.
My partner and i did separate when I found out it was more then friends and I hated him too. Through counselling I did understand how it happened (he didn't go looking for it, it did start as a friendship through mutual stuff they liked). Him and I had drifted at home and were basically living separate lives while still together and he missed that connection between us and basically replaced me with her. I hated him for a long time as I didn't resort to emotionally cheating but I did go out my way to avoid intimacy, being alone with him before this started. However I do believe him that it wasn't his intention to start with and through counselling i accepted he had done wrong, he worships me now again like he used to but most of all we got that connection back but needed help. Originally went to counselling to work on communication while we were separated but turned into we still loved each other and wanted to try again. I feel I got closure with him to be able to forgive and understand him (there was alot more going on with him then I thought). I know the other woman owes me nothing however I feel cheated by her also as I got no real reason to why she would engage with a taken man, i know from the messages she was the one that slowly took it to more emotional talk (there actually was no sexual talk, just more intimate connections between the 2). I think if it had turned sexualising either physically or just in talk the outcome of us being together now would be different.
Sorry long post to really only say that I understand the hate you have for her. My counsellor said it was natural feeling as we usually get closure with the partner- either by breaking up or staying together and working through it but never with the other woman- its questions you want answered from her that you will most likely never get. Its like she gets of scott free and gets to move on with her life so easy.
Am for myself, I still have hate but I don't let that hate consume me. Its just something I hope will keep fading
If it were me I would do 4 things (you and others may not agree but to me this has been a great way to heal in the past)
1st would be confront her (if you can manage doing so without assaulting her 😬) let it out, tell her how you feel, let her know she's a piece of human garbage for inflicting pain on not only you but also gambling with your kids happiness, especially when she knows how it feels.
2nd block her on everything and anything, you don't need the constant reminder.
3rd, talk to a councilor.
4th once I had time to heal I would write her a letter telling her i forgive her, that she no longer affects my life, that i hope she finds happiness with an emotionally avaliable man, and that you hope she learnt something from the experience, to not mess with peoples relationships, kids families and to be a women who supports other women.
Wouldn’t the husband that she lives with be more of a constant reminder than a person she occasionally sees on Facebook. It’s always the women’s fault. Poor man that couldn’t control himself because of his penis 😂
For me it would be, but I guess from the OPs point of view, she has more invested in her husband like children, years invested, so for her it may be worth working towards a resolution with him. She has also had an opportunity to voice her anger with her husband and he in turn has worked on gaining her forgiveness, where as with the other women she has not had those opportunities.
I'd be fuming, but I just would forget about her.
If she's in your "circle" or constantly around then I would speak with her, but if she's not around I would try my absolute best to forget about her.
It's a shit situation, but if you've forgiven your husband that's the main part. Forget about her and live your life.