How do you get over your husband having a emotional affair? It wasn't physical but the intention was there. We have been seperated for a year, I still love and care for him but can not get over what he did. He is very remorseful and wants a second chance, but I feel we can never be the same again, our marriage will be forever tainted and I don’t trust him. Have done individual and couples counselling, but still unsure about what to do.
Edit to add: He is a tradesman and went to do a job at said womans house, (someone who he had only known for 20 minutes) she messaged him how attractive he was after he left, then they engaged in some sexting and she invited him over that night, he went, she cracked onto him, he broke out crying and didn’t have the guts to go through with it, and told her all his issues he was having at home. He went there several more times after that to discuss our issues and how he was feeling. Leaving at night after I would go to bed. I was at home with a toddler and a extremely difficult newborn (who he did not want) and had severe sleep deprivation and pnd. We were not in a good place at the time. He said he had no feelings for her and didnt know what he was thinking at the time.... He was severely depressed at the time and has adhd also. He stopped all contact with said woman after a few weeks himself. I didn’t find out until over a year later what had happened, I stumbled across the messages. He attempted suicide when I confronted him.
21 Replies
It’s never the same. There is never the same level of trust and the cheater HAS to be prepared to live as an open book for however long is needed. They need to be where they say they are going to be, they need to be home on time, they need to freely offer up information you never asked for. They need to work hard and jump through hoops without asking.
But even then, it’s never the same. It changes you, the confidence and belief that as a couple you truly have each other’s backs is gone.
From personal experience. My cheater was never prepared to do the work. He just expected that things would go back to normal and that just doesn’t work.
My parents survived an affair, they have been together 40 years, after the affair. The cheater worked extremely hard.
Nope move on. Be properly happy with someone you can trust.
Emotional cheating how? We're they actively professing love to each other and planning to leave spouses?
Affairs of the heart can be just as devasting, if not moreso, than a physical affair.
Agreed. But so often on here people talk about emotional affairs when it's actually just a friendship and insecurity/jealousy reacting. So depending on the circumstances, my advice could vary from making a choice to make the marriage healthy again and booking into personal therapy to work on her own demons, to deciding whether she can ever truly trust him again and either moving forward together or moving forward alone and making that decision very clear to him.
He is a tradesman and went to do a job at said womans house, (someone who he had only known for 20 minutes) she messaged him how attractive he was after he left, then they engaged in some sexting and she invited him over that night, he went, she cracked onto him, he broke out crying and didn’t have the guts to go through with it, and told her all his issues he was having at home. He went there several more times after that to discuss our issues and how he was feeling. Leaving at night after I would go to bed. I was at home with a toddler and a extremely difficult newborn (who he did not want) and had severe sleep deprivation and pnd. We were not in a good place at the time. He said he had no feelings for her and didnt know what he was thinking at the time.... He was severely depressed at the time and has adhd also. He stopped all contact with said woman after a few weeks himself. I didn’t find out until over a year later what had happened, I stumbled across the messages. He attempted suicide when I confronted him.
From what you have said, he was obviously in a very dark place. Found someone that gave him compassion and understanding. She is in the wrong, he was silly. You both sound like communication wasn’t happening between the two of you. He didn’t allow anything to happen. I would not end a marriage over this.
The most concerning part out of your reply is about the new born that he didn’t want. Why did he not want it? What was happening for him to come to that decision
Hes still lying and he cheated. The suicide attempt when you left has me even more concerned that hes emotionally manipulating you. And you think its because he cant lose you right, because of love. But what he actually means is YOU cant leave him, because of control. You deserve more than what he has, and will do to you.
How did he cheat? She pulled a move, he stopped it.
Sexting, leaving the house to go visit her with the intention to have sex, lying, leaving the house while his wife is at home with a newborn... very low and is cheating.
Hardly. It's being tempted and choosing not to. My trust would absolutely be affected but he didn't cheat.
He went over to hers at night to hook up. Several times. Youre kidding yourself if you believe they didnt and she just kept having him back to hear him cry and talk about his wife. That did not happen.
Don’t go back- I did-for 12 months. He ended the marriage 14 days ago and confirmed his with another woman
Honestly I don’t know as I’m in the same boat although I caught my hubby out with him having this woman at our house whilst I was away with our three kids. We’ve stayed together but I don’t look at him or feel the same about him as I used too. If I didn’t have such low self esteem and I earnt enough money I’d be gone because the tension is horrible.
Only do what your heart tells you I guess. If you think he deserves another chance just give it a go. All the best.
So sad! Make a plan join the gym feel better about yourself and get out with some friends. Build up your confidence and get out. The gym and losing weight helped me so much. I was hugely over weight but the difference it made to me and my confidence was fantastic. I felt amazing. I went every day to a mums gym at a rec centre and found I wasn’t alone. I felt better than ever. Work on you first, get the confidence up, flirt with some other guys or even just chat to old male friends, it all helps. Once you start feeling better then the money situation could change too. Have a plan to get away from it. Life it took short to be unhappy. You Deserve better and just remember this isn’t about you and a personal thing against you for any reason. This is all about him being a selfish coward and unfortunately is the victim that cops it all and is left with the aftermath. Climb your way out of that and reach for the stars because there is so much more out there for you.. become unstoppable and use what he has done to you, to get yourself where you want to be and where you are happy and confident.i know because I did this and now have an amazing husband and kids and if I didn’t do these things I wouldn’t be where I was today. I’d be stuck with a lying, cheating coward. Good luck!
Sorry that was meant to say I wasn’t hugely over weight.. not hugely over weight. I was about 70 kgs but losing 5 kgs I felt like this amazing, strong and confident woman. Something I hadn’t felt for a long time with my ex! Any little change towards your confidence is a start. Good luck you deserve better. You get one life, go life it happily!
My husband of 18years was sexting. We have seperated and are having individual counselling. I am not sure if I can go go back, it's such a hard decision to make for me personally. I wish you happiness whatever choice you make.
For me
Once the trust is broken it’s a no go! That’s just me because I can’t forget and it’s me who is tormented for the rest of my life so it’s a move on for now and see what happens down the track. How will you ever know if he is still doing it or will do it again. You won’t and even when he tells you he isn’t, you won’t believe him.
What do you want to do? Do you still love him and want to be with him? I ask because yes it can change. It's never the same don't get me wrong you will always have that doubt but you can repair things. It's hard and it takes a lot especially from him. He has to show you that he has change. He also has to understand that you are going to have doubts, you are going to question him and he now has no right to get angry or upset about it. That is the consequences of his actions and he has to live with that. He needs to rebuild your trust and you both need to talk about everything.
I was in a very similar situation where my husband was in a very dark place and went to another woman and it hurt like hell. I broke from everything that happened and he broke from what he had done to me. We decided to try and see if we could fix it and he has dedicated every single day to treating me right. It hasn't been easy but it is working and things are a lot better now. I still have days where I am hurt and need his support and reassurance but he has to deal with that and he does. If he wants to fix it he can.
Ignore the people trying to tell you it isn't cheating. It clearly was. You do not sext other women when you are married and you definitely do not go over to their house to have sex. Being tempted is seeing a good looking woman down the street and thinking damm I would like to fuck that and then leaving it at that. What he did was beyond that and is cheating. You have every right to feel hurt, angry and betrayed. In fact you need to allow yourself the chance to feel all those things so you can move forward no mater if you decide to do that with or without him.
Something to remember is that his actions were about him and what he was struggling with at the time and had nothing to do with you. He handled his shit badly and now has to deal with it.
You can’t be the same again and you wouldn’t want to buy you can build a new one with a stronger foundation. It just depends how you feel about him and the efforts you both made. I don’t think you can fully recover until he takes responsibility of his actions and apologise for the hurt he’s caused and also for you to accept that there would have been a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship. I’m not saying it was your fault he cheated, that’s all him but it was both of your faults for not working on it before it got to that stage.
I strongly encourage you to listen to Esther Perel's podcasts/ted talks. She is very down to earth and puts it in perspective. Unfortunately it is SO common and for some couples it is now an opportunity to really reach a raw and honest place with each other. Most of the time it is a reflection of where the individual is, not the marriage.
Dont worry about other people's opinions or instructions. Especially since he didnt actually physically do it yet.
There are plenty of us that have successfully moved past it and now have deeper connections with our partner.
Give yourselves a code word like 'parachute' and when u need to talk/confess/confide or bear all to each other in complete confidence without judgement or consequence you say "I need to talk to u with a parachute" and it signals the other to be open minded and understanding to what is brought to them. To be their partner and safe place to deal with the reasons behind the behaviour.
I know what it is like to hide things because u already think u are a piece of sh**. He obviously has been feeling awful about it for a long time. Its really up to u whether u can both work it out together but just know ur not alone. It hurts and it sucks. But we are all imperfect people married to imperfect people and if u think he is worth it it will be. Good luck xx