I'm so not happy,
About my partner's daughter sleeping with us ..it started about six month ago..when she started to come and spend 3 days with us each week..
Though we prepared her a fully equipped bedroom..no way she would sleep alone in there..only
and always in between us in our bed.
I found it awfully immoral...not only we can't even fit, but also she keeps talking to her dad...asking questions and demanding his attentions...etc..when we turn the light off..it's weird..
It jeopardize our intimacy even though it's only 3 times a week..I am getting more and more frustrated...feel like a third wheel, and put "aside".
My partner thinks is perfectly ok...I don't know how to bring this subject up without offending him...
Please help
11 year old sleeping with her dad n myself
11 year old sleeping with her dad n myself
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
24 Replies
Welcometo having children. Sure its not the norm for an 11 year old, and it wont last forever, and theres things dad can put in place, but this is all new for her, why did it only start 6 months ago? And 11 year olds are still just little kids on the inside. Does she share a room normally? Sure he can set some boundaries or work towards goals, but when you have kids, youll be glad if they have a dad that cares for them gently, even if its only for 3 nights a week.
It’s not immoral, but a bit of a pain in the arse.
Does she sleep with her mum at home?
Maybe dad and mum need to discuss slowly changing the dynamic.
I would find out what happens at home first, then talk to mum and slowly build toward having her in her own room.
Lots of things you could do, night light, dad lays with her for a while in her bed, play soft music, it depends on what will make her more comfortable.
Remember she’s only 11, still a child, wanting to be close to dad, don’t push adult interpretations onto it.
I feel like there is some useful information missing here.
How long have you guys been together. What were the sleeping arrangements like before you came on the scene? When we there a change in her staying over?
It’s not immoral but it’s definitely something as a parent I’d be working on.
There are compromises to be made here and small steps to that can be taken to move towards the daughter sleeping in her own bed.
BUT it’s just 3 nights a week. You get him the rest of the time, remember she feels like she is pushed out the rest of the week.
I'm with you, just a big nope to 11 year Olds still in the bed! I would try and see why, could be anxiety. Do you have a dog? See if she will sleep in bed with the dog and get walkie talkies so she can still talk to Dad if she's feeling anxious.
Do you have children of your own? Just it doesn’t sound like this comes from a place of maternal understanding. For some reason she feels unsafe in her bedroom and needs comfort. For what reason, needs to be figured out and addressed.
11 is a very old age to still be in bed with her dad or mum. But it may be the norm with her mum so she is doing it there also. Is she trying to make up for attention she is missing when she’s away from her dad?
I'm not sure immoral is the right word here. Co-sleeping is the norm in many cultures, it's pretty standard for entire extended families to share a room/beds. Just because it's not what you're used to doesn't mean it's wrong.
I feel like what you mean is that it makes you uncomfortable and that's okay! I've never co-slept with any of my children (bar a few times when they were sick or something).
I would feel weird about having my step child in my bed. On the opposite side of that, I wouldn't feel it appropriate nor would I allow my daughter (who's also 11) to jump in bed with me and her step dad.
I think you're within your rights to bring it up with him and come to a compromise. It's your space too, so your feelings deserve to be taken into account!
I think you just need to be honest without making judgements.
I feel uncomfortable when...
I feel like my space is a little invaded...
I'm not coping very well with this current arrangement....
Can we talk about this and sort something out that works for everyone?
My stepson, who is now 16, used to come into our bed until he was about 9 or 10 lol. It was NOT immoral. A bit of a pain in the behind, but in no way immoral. He stopped and is now living life as a hermit in his bedroom like a typical 16yo (he lives with us full time).
There are bigger issues at play here and a lot more information is required. How long have you guys been together? Do you have children of your own? How long have you lived in this house? Have you actually spoken to her?
Nope, she is old enough to sleep in her own room. She needs get get out of your bed! If her father needs to sleep with her so bad he can go to her room. I would be looking at your relationship. Because I would be out. No way would I be bed sharing with an almost teen. I doubt her mother would be okay with it
If she is in YOUR bed in YOUR room where is YOUR personal space? I wonder what else this girl dictates in your home and relationship. Good luck for the future. Sounds like you will definitely need it.
Shes only had her the last 6 months, the poor little girl.
So this women doesn’t deserve her own personal space in her own home because an 11 year old has been living there for 6 months. She has her own room, she needs to start sleeping in it. I would be moving out.
I read it that the child only started sleeping in dads bed 6 months ago. I felt maybe prior to that she’s been sleeping in her own bed? If that’s the case what happens 6mths ago for the change to occur? Nightmare? School change?
Edited: sorry she started staying 3 nights 6 mths ago, again in which case what happened? Prior to this did she stay overnight at all? In her own bed? With dad? Or just visited with dad?
He has kids, you dont get to just say i want a relationship and sleep routine as if the kid doesn't exist. Sure, we all want the child out, but they've had a massive overhaul, and shes suddenly sleeping in a strange room strange house alone 3 nights a week.
What was contact like previously? Did dad see her at all seems he spent all his time being child free with a girlfriend, and now this is a shock. Well that might explain why child is unsettled and struggling for connection and yes maybe even struggling for her place against the gf. Who knows. If she is really suffering then get her some professional help because not sleeping properly 3 nights a week is hugely detrimental to a childs development. Talk to her, or a professional, and find out whats wrong and whats going to work best to fix it. But yes meanwhile I am glad dad is comforting her instead of pushing her away, thats parenting.
Exactly
.that is what I am trying to say...there is a lot of bossy behavior here..I feel.like I'm just a visitor...I feel.the bedroom is not mine but hers..
It's so hard..
Exactly
.that is what I am trying to say...there is a lot of bossy behavior here..I feel.like I'm just a visitor...I feel.the bedroom is not mine but hers..
It's so hard..
How long have you and dad been together and living together?
When my son was 2 he was an outpatient of the respiratory clinic at the royal children's hospital in Brisbane. Because of this, he was in a lot of long-term research studies. One of those was children's sleeping habits. The study sent me result updates a few years later. Out of almost 500,000 parents interviewed as a part of that study, the average age where children stopped sleeping with their parents (either regularly or occasionally) was 12. I remember being shocked it wasn't MUCH younger.... but now my son is 9 and my daughter is 6. They're both in my bed. They are most days, even if they go to bed in their own room hubby and I wake up and they're in ours lol. Not so crazy to us now and in discussions in my workplace indicate this is pretty normal for years to come yet. So I guess that study was actually pretty accurate given ages of the other kids I hear about at work. I think your hubby is right. There's nothing wrong with it. That doesn't mean you can't reward her being in her room, but don't forget she's the child wanting an adult for emotional security and you're the adult. Perhaps a puppy or kitten to share her bed and cuddle her there might help? Might not though.....
My youngest is 13 and will very occasionally still sleep in my bed. It’s usually only when he’s feeling unwell, or his anxiety is through the roof. I had to kick him out a couple of years ago because he was wanting to sleep in my bed every night when with me (50/50 shared care) and I just wasn’t getting any sleep because he was a bed hog. Took time but eventually got it down to one night a week, then only when feeling unwell.
PS the respiratory team at RCH and now QCH are awesome! My son sees them regularly.
We're discharged now but they looked after us for years and I agree, they were awesome.
ARE YOU FOR REAL???!!! LIKE, SERIOUSLY???
You spend every day with this man, she gets 3 days. If he child is jeopardising your intimacy, God help you if you ever have a child 🙄 you're being ridiculous and selfish. I'm actually gobsmacked by this! Can only imagine how this poor girl feels when she is around you!
Please just talk to him and to her. There's a lot of good advice being given.
I just want to point out one thing which so many people seem to ignore..
Children see adults sharing a bedroom and yet are expected to sleep independently. It doesn't really make sense in a child's mind that they can't share with mum or dad or both when the parents share their room.
They need to feel safe and secure and some children prefer to share their sleep space, some don't. There's nothing wrong with it at all.
There is also nothing wrong with you needing your own space to sleep.
A compromise needs to be met here because otherwise resentment is going to build up and it could ruin both relationships.
What a shit post 🙄 she misses her Dad. Custody arrangements are hard on kids.
I stayed at my Nans every second weekend growing up, my Mum often didn’t turn up to the visitations. I slept in my Nans bed for years, right up until I was 14. It wasn’t my home and I wanted the comfort- not sleeping in a room by myself that I didn’t know.
Go sleep on the lounge- your step daughter sounds like she wants to be close to you too
And btw you sound like a massive knob with the “immoral” talk and not particularly maternal. Nothing worse than having a step mother whose jealous of the child 🙄 my Dad went through a tonne of jealous girlfriends before finding my step mum- and she was a godsend
Simple. Go sleep in the spare room, a bed all to yourself!!!
Dad should probably lay in her bed with her and let her fall asleep then get into his bed. I’d be ok if it was my kids but when you aren’t mum it would feel awkward.