Hopelessness

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TW - mental health, suicide thoughts

Hi, sorry for the lengthy post 🌹
So I have complex ptsd from working in the emergency services for over 22 years. This has lead to major depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. I’ve been off work now for a couple of years. And I’m only just now starting to feel better, except that every time I finally get my feet under me, something comes and knocks me back. It’s like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate what my illness has done to my entire family. My dad stabbed me in the back right when I needed him, and my brother, who has never like me anyway, was more than willing to take his side without ever asking me what my side of the story was. So I haven’t spoken to any of them in 2 years because it just destroyed me.

I’m struggling so much. All I do is cry, and feel sad. I don’t think I’m suicidal per se, but I definitely have thoughts of it and feel that if something were to happen, that would be ok. I don’t want to hurt my children, so I won’t actively seek it out.

My son has put me through hell over the last 18 months and was difficult before that. I have lost control of him. My heart breaks for failing him.

Every morning I wake up sad that I’ve woken up. I have a psychiatrist, psychologist, on a shit load of meds, I’ve had a couple of inpatient hospital stays. I exercise, I eat well, most of the time. But I can’t go on feeling this way.

When I go to bed, all the jobs I’ve ever done dance around inside my head. If I go anywhere, I know where and what jobs I’ve done are. It’s a constant barrage of memories, and pain. There’s a couple of good ones, but it’s the trauma, the sadness, the hopelessness that is ALWAYS there. I remember dates of incidents.

I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t stand the pain. I can’t stand the memories. I can’t be a mum to my kids. I’m failing them. I have no family. No one close to talk to. All my friends have people around that they can talk to. I have no one. I am so alone and lonely. I don’t know how to be like this anymore