Looking for some ways to break the news to our child that we are separating. He is a beautiful young boy who is very emotionally in tune, sensitive and has anxiety/night-time detachment issues. We worry he won't take this well, as the smallest of change such as returning to school after holidays triggers him, let alone this.
My partner no longer wants to be together for various reasons, says he needs to have a break to reassess things. He can't promise what the outcome will be. I'm heartbroken and stuck in the grieving process which is tough, let alone having to now pull my son through it too.
We are still ammicable and living together, maintaining a normal facade for our child (less the affection) but he is sleeping in our granny flat at night. He wants to maintain a close friendship and still be involved in our lives as much as possible once he moves out. He still bends over backwards for us which is sending me mixed messages and make me wonder if he's doubting his decision. If we didn't know any better it would seem like we're still in an intimate-less relationship. As hard as this is for me because it's not what I want, this will continue until he finds suitable accommodation. And he said he can't guarantee we will reconcile in the future and that he'd never expect me to wait around.
He wants to tell our child about the separation once he has somewhere to go, most likely buying a caravan. I, on the otherhand, think we should say something sooner so our child can have us both around to process his emotions.
Neither of us know what the right option is, would love to hear your thoughts and how to go about having the conversation with our son.
It makes me sick to my stomach that this is going to break his little heart too as he overthinks everything. It will be such a huge change of environment and dynamics for our child, especially since he'll be visiting/living with dad in a caravan park (which doesn't sit well with me at all).
Would love to hear your thoughts as i'm really stuck on how to go about it all x
7 Replies
If youre confused with the situation, your child will be too. Wait until he is ready to move and then tell your child because it will be clear and not so confusing.
I cant imagine trying to tell a kid you've separated when it doesnt even look or feel like separation, even to you.
I also think its important and the best interest for your child, to tell your partner that once he moves out and you tell your child, that there is NO CHANCE to reconcile because thats confusing for everyone.
I’d wait until your now ex has a place to live.
You use therapy type terms so I’m wondering if there is a therapist involved with your son who can help you write a script.
Something a long the lines of:
Mummy and daddy love you very much. Daddy is going to be living somewhere somewhere else because mummy and daddy don’t work well as a couple.
On the caravan park, caravan parks are where people go and stay on holidays, even the daggy ones. I lived in caravan parks at different times in my life and I had a great childhood. I’ve lived in apartments (in expressive areas) that were terrifying. Never had an issue in a caravan park.
Very basic factual terms. Dont let his crying break your heart because he will sense that and it will be a big mess. You can reassure h i m dad is at his house. You can call him tomorrow. You can see him in 2 days. No issue. A child cant dictate a relationship, they dont understand everything so they just cant understand but you know separated parents is better than unhappy together.
Also theres no harm in telling him now, when he sees you already doing it and that hes fine, thats a good step for him. Dad can stay in the granny flat until he moves and the house is just yours now. And change it. Make it fresh. New doona covers.
Focus on yourself, moving forward. Your child will bounce off whatever they see from you.
lol yep just change the house around and get some fresh sheets... and forget about the fact your partner walked out and its breaking your heart so that your child can bounce off your good mood? If only it were that easy
I don't think it's wise to bombard an already anxious child with unnecessary change during a separation.
Dad moving out is going to be a big enough adjustment, having the aesthetic of his living environment changed as well probably isn't going to do him any good.
Maybe get some advice from a psych for you, and your child. I have a child diagnosed with GAD, I have been through this with them, and I have received advice along the way, thats where this advice is coming from. You also need your own as clearly strangers on the net dont know everything.
I wouldn't say anything yet because it doesn't exactly sound like the whole thing is set in stone.
I would give your husband a timeframe though, say 4 weeks as an example. If he really wants out he needs to sort himself out asap because it's completely unfair to expect everyone to live in limbo like this.
When my parents separated, my mum dropped the bomb on me 5 minutes before I went to school. My dad moved out that day!
I certainly don't recommend doing it that abruptly but in a way I am glad they didn't prolong it and I'm glad I didn't know about it before it happened.
I was an anxious sensitive child too, so by not knowing the separation was coming it spared me the constant worry that uncertainty brings.