So I've been dating a guy quite seriously for the last 6 months. His ex has always tried to cause problems between us.
She constantly rings All day every day and complains To him about how sorry she is that she cheated on him and made a mistake. She uses their children Any chance she can get to have him run over to her house and help them.
Ive always been understanding of the situation but this last week its taken its toll.
2 night's ago at Midnight she called saying someone was breaking into the house, he jumped out of bed and went over.
Today she called him saying she has no money and the kids have no warm clothes and asked for him to take her shopping, which he is doing.
Am i wrong for getting annoyed with the situation and him always running off to help her or should I except that he is doing it for his kids.
My partner and his Ex
My partner and his Ex
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
15 Replies
He's doing it for the kids. They will and should, come first. If you cannot handle taking the back seat, then end this.
My partner has 2 children. We've been together 10+ years. I expect that kids come first and shows me what good dad he is.
But we don't know you or your partner. What I mean is that every situation is different. In our family, we don't keep scores
It sounds as though he needs to put boundaries in place. If someone is breaking into your house you don’t ring your ex, you ring the police. And what have the kids been wearing for the past 3 or 4 months? It’s spring next week! While I know how quickly kids grow, surely the warm clothes they’ve been wearing will be enough to keep them going until the warmer kicks in over the next month or so.
While I’m all for parents being there for their children there needs to be boundaries enforced. If he’s not willing to put in place and enforce appropriate boundaries, you will need to decide if you are willing to accept what is happening or if it is better to end things before it gets more serious.
If I thought someone was breaking into my house - I'd call the police, not my kids father!
I can't stand that sort of manipulative, attention seeking, damsel in distress bull crap because of course he'd race over if he thought his kids were in danger.
Kid's do come first but there does need to be some boundaries. If he's not willing to put any in place, personally I'd be out. If it's a problem 6 months in, it's not going to get better with time!
A friend of mine was called by his ex when someone broke into their house and the kids were there. He kept her calm, had someone with him call the police and drove over while talking to her to be there for the kids once the police had gone.
This screams lack of boundaries.
This is a discussion I’d be having with my partner about what he is doing to maintain boundaries. There is such a thing as being a good co-parent but this sounds over the top.
Just because she rings, doesn’t mean he has to answer or stay on the phone with her.
If he isn’t prepared to set boundaries this is your life as long as you are with him. So you really need to think about that.
Your problem is him. He needed to draw a line a long time ago. Id be really doubting if theres something going on for them to have so much contact, on top of them clearly not being done and sorted to a point where shes not interfering in your life and pulling you into their drama (midnight calls and running to her?!) I would be uncomfortable enough to be well out of there.
You should be proud that he is such a good dad!
Talk to him about it. There will be a super fine line though and you might come across as trying to control him and appearing like you want him to choose you over his kids.
It's definitely a case where he needs to set some boundaries with his ex but if he cant exactly see the difference between her trying to lure him in for her benifets or the fact his kids actually need him, then you're just going to look like the bad one.
It definitely sounds like she doesn't just have the kids best interest, she probably wants him back....
And at the end of the day, you cant control how he sees it, or you, but you know its not right for you and move on. It might take him losing a few relationships before he realises being caught up in the ex is nothing to do with being a good father.
Sorry, but he would put more boundaries in place if you were higher priority than she is. He might hate her for cheating, but I suspect the line between love and hate is blurred.
How long have they been broken up?
Let me guess, seven months?
I don’t think he’s ready to be in a relationship, they’re still very entangled.
My partners ex tried all this the first year of our relationship too. Constantly ringing when she knew he was with me and needing favours all the time. My partner had their kids most of the time anyway so he didn't get pulled in to her bullshit. The weirdest thing she did was got their 14 year old son to tell him that she was going to find a root that night 🤦♀️. She was so focused on making my partner jealous she didn't give a rat's about using her teenage son as the messenger.
I was in a similar situation. My husbands ex used to ring up every time she knew we were meeting to get him to babysit for some imaginary emergency. She brainwashed the kids into believing we were awful people and to call me names every time they saw me. My husband wouldn’t nip it in the bud because his guilt got in the way. I did my best with the situation but it was really awful. It went on for years and caused animosity and anxiety on both sides. The children are still having emotional problems in their 20’s and are having counselling.
You need to hire a mediator and all sit down together to put rules and boundaries in place, if there is an unwillingness to do this from any party then it needs to be taken to court. It sounds harsh and people say they don’t want to put the kids through that but believe me it is much better than them being dragged into years of emotional manipulation. It depends how important your relationship is to you I guess. Also the mother is in need of counselling- she is probably grieving the end of the relationship but there’s not much you can do about that I’m afraid. Good luck.
Like others have said, he needs to set boundaries. Yes of course his kids are important. But his ex is using them to spend time with him, from what you've said! They need clothes, he can go shopping by himself or with you and drop the clothes at the door. Sounds like she wants him back. If he isn't able to set boundaries with her now, that may just happen.
Yes this is a big problem, the ex wants him back and she is going to use every opportunity and he obviously can’t say no or set boundaries. If you really think your house is being broken into you call the POLICE not expect your ex to confront dangerous people!! You need to talk to him about it calmly and clearly and if he isn’t prepared to put his foot down then I would be walking away until he has his priorities straight. Of course he needs to look after his kids but this situation is not going to do anyone any good. Tell him you love him and his kids but can’t be in a relationship with his ex in the middle all the time and calling the shots. They need to co-parent not be codependent!