I would love to know how some of you have dealt with either a toxic parent or both being toxic?
(Long story cut as short as i can, thank you so much for those that will read all the way)
I’m 28, i grew up in a very abusive household, my father was and is an alcoholic, he would belittle my mother, beat her infront of my sibling and I, he broke things.. he would threaten to kill us all.. and would take me with him after the event and buy beers, and take me to a park where he would get wasted.. i have blocked alot out.
After my parents divorce, my mum made us still continue with visiting my dad. At the start i think it was more so because of court orders, but later it was more so she could have a break from us- her words.
He attempted suicide numerous times, he would always try to get information about my mum.. made us feel guilty, made me uneasy in many ways. He was toxic.
I last spoke to him 8 years ago.
My mum on the other hand, has gone from one bad relationship to another, suffers from depression, anxiety and is a functioning alcoholic who does not believe she is an alcoholic (she drinks herself to sleep multiple times a week.)
She also had a rough childhood.
She has made some terrible choices.. and as a mother has done the best she could, I understand she was never shown much better but i feel like that is also an excuse. She chose bad men to be with purely because she didn’t want to be alone. Gave us bad examples- drowning herself in alcohol and anti depressants but not really getting the appropriate help. She ended up having another child when i was alot older, and in the end, my older sibling has schizophrenia, my younger one who is a teen, has gone down a really bad path, and also has a personality disorder. I believe alot of it is due to her.
The difficult thing for me is.. i love her.. i wish i could make her normal.. but I can’t, I can’t cut her off- she is all i have other than my kids and husband. She has always placed other men, or my siblings before me.. in every way. She could not be there for any of my kids birth- always putting work or my siblings before me. It’s heartbreaking.. i feel like i’m constantly waiting for her to love me and appreciate me but it is never going to happen.. how can i come to peace with the fact that i will never have a parent that will love me, and want to be a big part of my life and a good grandparent to my kids?
Sorry for the long post, i have no one to talk to about this, my husband isn’t really an emotional person and he tries to be there but he just isn’t that kind of person. Please be kind with your replies, i’m a really strong person, But this is my soft spot.
7 Replies
I must admit I didnt read it all. Some things are just to deep for strangers to have a perspective. Would probably be best to avoid any toxic people in your personal world .
I really feel for you.
Someone once said to me that not everyone is capable of self awareness. I’m not sure if that is true or if there is evidence that supports that. But in my life i have noticed that some people just don’t seem to be aware of why they continually make destructive choices.
Did she seek psychological help with her trauma? Are her poor choice in men a self esteem issue?
Maybe you should see a psychologist yourself just to try come up with some meaningful coping strategies that help you shield yourself when you need and help you process your feelings.
I think you might be trauma bonded to your mother. Talk to a counsellor and seriously re-read what you have written. Everyone needs to have a soft spot, embrace it. It will help you treat your family much better.
I have a similar background, I had to cut my father out of my life in my early 20s for my own safety. My mum is luckily stable and had a good upbringing...but there are mental health issues in her side of the family (her mother and brother have schizophrenia) so I've seen having a relationship with them is different, extremely challenging and often confusing. It's difficult to describe and even speaking with a psychologist can be challenging, although I do recommend finding a good psychologist to help you navigate having a relationship with your mum.
My Mum had a similar relationship with her mother, now she chooses when and where she sees her Mum, she places no expectations on the relationship, the same with her siblings, no expectations. They’ve all hurt her time and time again, she’s been through periods of cutting them out and now she sees them maybe 2/3 times a year, when she feels like it. I can’t forgive my grandmother for what she did to her daughter, but mum can put it to the side. She’s my hero 💓
Snip snip baby girl. It’ll hurt at first, it’ll feel like you are mourning the loss of someone but let me tell you, that in time, everything will just magically be ok.
You can’t pick your family but you can pick who you have in your life.
Once you let go of the “they are family” mindset, your life will flourish.
This is all being said by someone who hasn’t spoken to their mother in 4 years, their sister in three and a half and their father in a year. My life sucked for a long while but now I am soooo much better off!
I would just like to say thank you to everyone that has responded. I have read every single comment.. thank you.
Its given me alot to think about, and i truly will take all the advice in. ❤️