Hi - Super complicated of course, but should I leave? Husband is always putting me down, but there are 'good times'. However, tonight he attacked our teenage son when he back chatted and called him some nasty names because son wasn't getting his way. Threatened to kick him out, pushed him, got on top of him. I stood in to make him stop. So upset about this. Husband is often nasty to me and the kids, but it is mostly ok. Thing is if he did kick him out I would not want that and have made that clear just now. He is at the lower end of teenage years and it's simply not something I condone or would ever threaten. Yes, he was disrespectful (& not just tonight) but he's our son. So, not on the same page at all. What do I do? I have seen my son after to talk. He just wants his phone back now. It's been taken away, which I do agree with. So, he won't talk, as mad cause no phone.
26 Replies
There are good times with everybody. Its how bad the bad times are that matter. Nobody should be called names, insulted, assaulted, attacked. Your son might probably wants to talk to someone else as he'll be mentally checking out of the house he lives in with every incident like this.
So your husband physically abused your child.
As the person above said, good times don’t erase the bad and the bad sound really bad.
Yes you need to do something, and for me that would be leaving.
Also research domestic violence, physical and emotional. It sounds like you’ve been down playing the situation or not recognising abuse.
Your son is probably misbehaving and being difficult because he's learning it off his father.
This conflict disharmony puts you in the middle, so its time for an intervention by you for them both before it gets worse . Starting with your partner ( he's the adult and should know better) Then your child, then them both together.
My husband is the most patient man I have ever known but last night my 15 year old stepson got on his last nerve with the exact same behaviour and my husband reacted the same way yours did. It was a bit scary at the time but needed, if you let your teenager think they can behave this way it will only get worse. This kind of behaviour doesn't stop with a chat and a hug, they need to know who the boss is and it isn't them.
I’m sorry, needed? No. Physical assault of a minor by a grown ass man is NEVER needed. Take the blinders off and protect your damn kids!
- Your husband is physically abusive
- Your son is disrespectful
- He will learn that violence is okay because you have practically condoned it by not leaving
- What happens next time your son is disrespectful and you aren't there to step in and son fights back?
VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER. EVER.
Don't make your son just another statistic.
I would leave.
If your answer is to leave, then she should leave them both. Dads been pushed to the brink by a bratty kid too!
How fast do ppl like you scream LEAVE when one situation goes wrong. Ppl aren't perfect. If its repetitive behaviour then hell yes, leave !! But things can be fixed if they are worked on and aren't repetitive in nature.
And if they aren't solved, then yes as a last option , leave.
Uh no, the kid is a product of his parents. So one of them needs to lead by example and be a role model. Otherwise he will grow up thinking it's okay to be this type of person and the chain of DV never ends.
I have never told anyone to leave on this page, this is my first time siding that someone should leave. Violence is violence, pushed to the brink or not it should never happened. It'll be just like the poster the other day whose kids went to school and told them about a fight and dad was moved along in safety of the children.
How do you propose it is "solved"? Just hope it never happens again..? How can you foresee that it actually won't happen again.
"He's often nasty to me and the kids" -
That's a pattern of verbally abusive behavior right there, written clearly in the original post. Are you just choosing to overlook that? Did you accidentally miss it? Or are you one of those people who believe that abuse only equates to getting smacked around?
Consistent verbal abuse that's escalated to an "attack" on a child would certainly be enough for me to feel like I needed to leave.
That right there is the main part. It makes it hard to know what to do in any other situation because youre always coming from a point of compromise, and youll never please your child or yourself trying to find in which ways you can agree with your partner to make it all work out ok and seem like normal parenting. Youre in a completely different situation to the other poster who says she is exactly the same but also says her husband is usually the picture of peace.
'It's mostly ok'
And
'There's good times'
Did you miss that bit yourself , responder number 3?
She's obviously not at a point , or ready to leave. So councilling should be an initial option..
Not just up and leave yet via your advice. There has been no other attempt to fix it first.
If nothing else works, then yes leave .
Nope didn't miss that.
I just don't accept that "husband constantly puts me down" and "often is nasty to me and the kids" remotely synonymous with things being "mostly ok".
Things aren't mostly okay if that's regular occurrence.
Also. Her question was "should I leave?", that tells me deep down she knows her relationship is done or beyond repair and is ready to start putting the necessary steps in place.
Stop telling victims they need to try everything to fix their relationship before they're allowed to leave.
No shes in two minds. If she wants to leave, she would have. She's second guessing until she gets further advice.
Stop pressuring women to leave when they aren't ready yet.
Doesn't mean she shouldn't leave, by all means , in time. Ive said this 3 times but you keep overlooking it.
I read between her lines... shes not sure. So therefore give a few other things a try first
Then, if its all in vain, she will have no further emotion and leave on her own accord
Good times don’t mean shit when the bad times are abuse. Stop. Defending. Abusers!
Are you for real? Bratty kid? No. More like
Kid who is living in a toxic and abusive environment where he is constantly abused by his father, which is enabled by his mother... stop making excuses for abusers, and stop victim blaming!
There's a very unhealthy dynamic here!
I very much get the feeling that you're not an equal in this partnership.
There's nothing okay about him putting you down and being nasty to you and the kids. I don't doubt he can be extremely pleasant sometimes but his demeanor whilst he's in a good mood doesn't cancel out all the ways he's horrible when he's in a bad mood.
As for the teen, I am a parent of one so i know first hand they they can be assholes at times but there's a right and wrong way to handle disrespect and arrogance. I truly don't believe physical violence and threats of being kicked out is the way to go!
I personally would be assessing my options if I were in your position. I daresay the hostile living situation is probably not doing your teen son or any of the kids any good.
If youre not going to leave, you need to set the boundary now that this is the one chance amd next time you will leave. And set it very clearly, you do not threaten to kick him out of home, you do not name call/ belittle kids or you.
I know its hard to leave and breakup a marriage and family over a namecalling, and maybe youre waiting for something else, either physical, or at the child, but repetitive disrespect is abuse and you should leave over it.
Until you've all experienced a teenager calling you names and acting like an entitled little shit because they're not getting their own way maybe you could all stop judging how the Dad reacted. He didn't hit him. I have been through it and it's so frustrating and challenging, teenagers can be absolute heartless monsters. His behaviour can't be excused no matter where it's come from. He needs to learn to take responsibility for his own actions not blame someone else and expect that to excuse him from any consequences. Reality is, in the big wide world of adulthood and even high school, if he treated someone badly and carried on like a pork chop he would probably end up getting beaten up or police involved. That's what happens to a lot of kids that seem to think it's ok to speak to others however they like. OP, I think whatever you choose, whether stay together or separate you could both do with learning how to deal with him.
I love this answer . This is a great response. Unlike some of the women on this thread who have the gall to tell another woman to leave him as the first choice of advice. If this were their own relationship I'll bet my left tit these 'leave him' brigades would be the first not to leave their own men.
Hypercrites and they don't even know it.
He has a shitty excuse for a role model who puts his mother down all the time, why wouldn't he act this way?
Did you read it properly? Because it doesn’t seem like you did.
Dad has been constantly verbally abusive to the entire family, often name calling etc so where do you think the son learned that from? Hmm doesn’t take a genius to work that out...
And didn’t hit him? Um, missed the part where it said he put hands on him did you? Where the mother had to actually physically put herself between them because the father got physical with the son?
Stop victim blaming children and enabling abusers.
Did you read it properly? Because it doesn’t seem like you did.
Dad has been constantly verbally abusive to the entire family, often name calling etc so where do you think the son learned that from? Hmm doesn’t take a genius to work that out...
And didn’t hit him? Um, missed the part where it said he put hands on him did you? Where the mother had to actually physically put herself between them because the father got physical with the son?
Stop victim blaming children and enabling abusers.
Speaking from experience I’d probably get some support around your son for his behaviour and some around your husband for his and then some for the family as a whole to repair what damage has been done.
For 5 mths my partner (not my sons father) and myself dealt with my 16 year old being abusive, rude, running away, not coming home when asked, staying at his gfs house and threatening to smash things and smashing things in the house.
We tried everything to pull him into line. Then one morning my partner snapped and hit my son after being verbally abused. I can never ever agree with what my partner did. I don’t agree with physical violence. My son pressed charges. My partner was arrested for assault and had to go to court and was given a suspended jail sentence. Child safety became involved. It was a lapse in my partners own behaviour to mange a highly volatile situation. My partner was removed from the home and our family suffered in more ways that one. My son suffered guilt from his behaviour leading up to the assault, even though I told him repetitively that nothing he did should have resulted in that action from my partner. My son is after all a child and my partner is after all the adult. My partner suffered guilt from his behaviour leading to him hitting my son. I suffered guilt from not being able to protect my son and frustration and criticism that although I dont agree with what my partner did, I understood how it happened (go on flame me I’ve heard it all before). It was a horrible mess and a horrible time for everyone involved. My son and my partner choose to work though this, with support from professionals, and are actually now best mates again after being able to reflect on what happened. My son sees a psychologist for his behaviour issues, my partner sees one for better anger management and parenting support and as a family we worked with child safety to allow my partner to return home under an IPA (intervention with parental agreement).
Please get support for you all before you end up like our family did.
The only reason my partner didn’t get jailed for ‘assaulting a minor’ is because myself, my son and my sons father didn’t want him to be jailed.
He puts you down (abuse) and was physically and verbally abusive to your son, sorry but what standards are you accepting and expecting your child to accept?
Kick your husband out and tell him he’s got 6mths to get counselling and anger management treatment and if he shows he has really changed his attitude and behaviour you will consider reconciling.
See how your son is outside of this situation. No wonder he is disrespectful if his dad is exactly the same to you. Boys directly role model at this age so....
You get what you put up with so you need to draw the line now, for you, and your son who has no power in this situation. Be strong, you can do this 😀
Spot on! Look who his role model is, why would he be respectful?
Would you condone anyone else physically attacking your child??