Hi sisters,
I have a new partner of whom has a young daughter (11yrs I think).
Things are very new but I'm wanting to build a great relationship with her and she seems to with me also.
Her mother isn't much of one and whilst I don't want to replace her mother at all, I'd like to be a female figure for her if she wanted it.
I have boy children so kinda don't know how to communicate with her or what to do to get started...
I have invited her to get our nails done together for a girls day and she is over the moon and excited about it.
Any tips?
29 Replies
'Mother isn't much of one'
I'm sure there's quite a few new partners that are led to believe this about their partners ex. I'm also "not much of a mother" according to my ex. Be very careful about men who paint their exes to be monsters.
Well said!
Exactly my first thought. Given that it’s ‘very new’, reserve your judgement. In reference to the tips requested, don’t mention the mum. Seems you already see her in a negative light. Even if the daughter has stuff to say about her mother, giving a negative opinion may come back to bite you in the ass because that’s always her mum. Remain unbiased.
Yes 👏👏👏
If you're not even sure how old she is I'm guessing your partner hasn't really talked about her much. Her mum would most likely be more of a mum than you've been told. So don't bag her out like that before you know for sure...anyway I think the nails is a great idea. Also going out for lunches and movies with junk food at home.
Rule one - don’t be so quick to judge her mother!
OP can I suggest you remove the comment about the mother because that’s all anyone will be commenting on
You have a new partner, you don’t say how long you’ve been with the bloke.
The kindest thing you can do, is take it slow. If you’ve not been with the guy at least 6 months don’t act like a permanent fixture in her life. Your focus should be on getting to know her dad really well, before either adult gets involved with the children.
Dad needs to parent her. You can be a fun figure in her life, more like the cool aunt. But that’s something you need to take slow.
You can do more damage by rushing things before you know dad really well, and then you realise it’s not a long term thing after all the kids are left broken.
Just be nice. You dont have to do things, especially not 'girlie things' ick. Just settle down because 1. You dont know her and 2. You cant go in hard because you have to respect the fact that youre only there for her dad and it might not work out. Slow down. Be respectful. Be nice. Talk and listen. Thats all.
I think nails is a great idea! Although I don’t have any relationship with my ex fiancée she has been kind and caring to my daughter. Just being actively interested in my daughters interests. The movies is good because it doesn’t involve too much face to face talking.
And please be very aware of you level of affection with your new partner in front of the kids. The biggest thing my kids complain about it him making out with partner in plain sight and ear shot.
Good luck
I can speak from experience, all she needs from you right now is for you to be nice and pay an interest.
She doesn't need you to be strong female presence in her life until you are a permanent one.
She gets prematurely attached to you and things don't work out, it'll break her heart.
I think right now, you clearly mean well but you're getting a little ahead of yourself. Just take it easy.
Wow 'her mother isn't much of one'.
You are disgusting.
You've been with him how many hours?
And by the way she's not your step daughter .
Appalling..
Everyone says we are mean to step mums, but this is why.
Have you even met the mother?
How much custody does your god of a partner have?
Who’s doing the bulk of the parenting?
You have kids, imagine the new woman writing this about you.
Be intelligent, have your eyes open, never judge or believe things about someone you don’t know, not just in this case but in life.
Have healthy scepticism, it will serve you well.
If it’s a new relationship, please just concentrate on building a strong foundation with your bf, don’t overly involve the kids until you’ve seen all sides of him, not just Mr Wonderful.
You have kids, their safety and peace of mind rely on your sound judgement.
Not much of a mother? Really
If your boyfriend is so amazing, why doesn’t he have the child full time and mum only have visits?
Think you may have your horse coloured glasses on there. You haven’t said how long you have been together, but from how you have worded it I would say a few weeks/months. In that case all you need to do is stay in the background while she is visiting her father. You are in no way a step mother, you don’t even know how old she is! There is every chance that you won’t even be in this child’s life in 6 months.
How do you know that isn’t the case? Jumping to conclusions much?
If he's so new you don't know the age of his daughter 1) you probably know nothing about her mother 2) she's not your step daughter and 3) you shouldn't be focused on building this relationship so quickly when you clearly don't know the dad that well.
Just ask her questions and get to know her when you visit and don't push it.
Ok so I'm a stepmum myself to 3 stepkids. Been with their dad for 15 years. You have to baaaaack right off. Seriously. Back off.
You are not her mum. You are not her stepmum. Back off. No need to pretend to play happy families just yet. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Be present. Listen. Never badmouth the mum.
I get it. It's hard. In our case, bio mum got into an unhealthy relationship and it wasn't possible for the kids to live with her anymore. I still don't allow them to say anything bad about mum. She will always be their mum and hopefully one day can be back in their lives.
I refused to meet my step kids until I knew I really liked their dad. I waited 6 months. I'm a full time step mum now together 7 years. I just treated my kids as my own asthere is no steps in our home, we r just family. I am mum, (no they don't call me that) as mum has very little to do with them. To begin with i just acted th same wayvi would my own, with love and respect
I’m a step parent, actually raised my step daughter for 4 years (and counting) alone, without the help of her bio mum or dad, after her bio father and I separated. (In short neither parent wanted her in their care, so she stayed with me).
Even I have never said what you have said about her mother (don’t get me wrong, I have thought it and have call to say it, but never ever have I done it).
I sat with her in ICU for a week when her bio parents didn’t even pay her a visit or a phone call, I held her hand as she cried during a lumber punch, I wiped her tears from her face when her heart was broken for the first time, I’ve hugged her while she unconscious after having multiple seizures, I paid 4 years of schooling, without child support or a cent from either parent.
But never ever would I disrespect the people that brought her onto this world and in turn into my world.
If you want a healthy relationship with this child, start by having a little respect for the lady that brought her into this world. You don’t have to like her, you don’t have to agree with how she parents her child but remember first and foremost she’s still that child’s mother.
You are not a parent. You are a fucking super-parent!!!
You are not that girls step parent! You are her everything!
Awww thank you 🥰 my (step) daughter has also said the same. She says ‘mum I don’t know what I would do if I never met you’. She’s been hard work but darn she was worth it ❣️❣️
Thank you ❣️ Honestly never thought I’d get a rely to this comment. Just was frustrated that even with everything my (step) daughter and I have been up against, I still would never disrespect the people that created her by saying ‘they aren’t much of a parent’.
As hard as that has been and as much as I’ve wanted to rip their damm heads off when my girl has been broken inside I never could do it. Every hospital trip, every emergency that I’ve had with her I’ve always let her bio parents know. Even if they never replied to me.... why? Because they are her parents and they deserve that respect ✊ without them, I wouldn’t have her ❣️
And you know first hand. The poster only knows what shes been told, and this is the way he speaks about her.
This!!! I know a number of women who need to read this! If they have any respect for my children they need to be respectful of how they speak about me in front of them. They do not need to be my best friend but be polite, be respectful.
And to the person who commented that it’s based on what dad has said, she needs to remember that there are 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth. Take what he says with a grain of salt until you get to know him and the child better, and met mum. Mum may not be like what he is making her out to be.
You’re clearly an amazing mum, and your daughter is lucky to have you. But giving birth doesn’t make you a mother and doesn’t automatically give you the right of respect as one.
My birth giver deserves no respect. Yeah, she gave birth to me. That all she has ever done for me. She isn’t even a blip on my radar anymore and I have zero respect for her - and I don’t expect anybody else to, least of all the stepfather who adopted and raised me.
I absolutely hear what your saying, however I’m assuming you’re an adult now and you’ve made the choice to have no respect for your birth giver and to not expect your stepfather to have respect and that’s perfectly okay :) however as a young child that seems to still live with her mother and only visit with her father and step mother, I think while ever she’s (the mother) in the picture respect must still be given by a step parent.
As my (step) daughter gets older her respect for her birth mother and father is diminishing (totally understandable after everything) and I’m less and less inclined to inform them of things that happen for her. Recently she was in hospital with a ruptured appendix and while I let her bio father know (as I still see him as we have children together) I didn’t contact her mother as my daughter is able to do this herself now if she wishes.
She did let her mum know, her mum ignored her :( the kid flatlined and needed her heart restarted and her mother didn’t care. I have to say after this I’ve lost a lot of respect for her mother and so I can see things from your perspective as well.
I feel like its a relationship where you can't buy her love and respect so whilst getting your nails and stuff is really really nice and fun, at the end of the day being polite, respectful and kind towards her will go the longest way... i think that also goes hand in hand with being respectful about her mother too.
The best advice I got given was ‘just be you and let her know that your always there if she needs anything’ also just remember that this is possibly all new to her too so she’s probably feeling a bit the same. Try to find out things she likes (eg hobbies, movies she likes etc) and try and find different ways to do things for them as special events, she will love that more than you spending money on her because it will make her feel special that you noticed them. All the best on your new adventure 💖