No idea what to do. Strap in, this is a doozy.
Husband has had what I'm suspecting is a drug induced psychotic snap. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and no idea what to do. I would love to know what options you would all consider and why.
12 months of trying, surgery, miscarriages, pain and heartbreak to finally get here. The day he found out he went on a 3 day bender (not normally a drinker) and admitted he'd tried to convince me to take drugs (I'm a VERY sober person) so I'd agree to do things sexually I didn't agree with sober. He tried to convince me that we should ignore the positive test, get on mdma and have a "wild night because he needed it". Safe to say I said no, which resulted in suicide threats, etc. This obviously left me questioning my choice to be pregnant to this man that I was beginning to no longer recognise.
Things settled for a bit to a degree but he kept escalating. A lot of controlling behaviour like secret cameras around the house, going to mutual friends and drilling them about whether I'd spoken to them and then telling them I was heavily depressed and not thinking straight (not true) and so much more.
He decided he wanted to pursue a business idea and whenever I dared question it, he'd BLOW UP. He hasnt worked since March, which is very out of character for him. I asked him how we were expected to pay the rent and he told me he didn't care if we ended up homeless with a newborn. This lead me to open a separate bank account and a splitting out the finances.
He's been lying to doctors about prescription drugs in order to get Lexapro and self-medicating. When I approached him after I found out and said I think he needs to see the doctor to get professional help around it (calmly and gently as obviously he did it for a reason and felt he needed it) he told me he "didn't trust my opinion more than old mate down the road" and basically got told to mind my own business.
Now, he has cameras on me 24/7, gps trackers, following me at work, checking my roster against train timetables, all access to my phone and accounts, you name it. But apparently I'm cheating on him. And as a result he's going to "f-g destroy me". Even if I wanted to cheat - which I don't - he has given me 0 opportunity. I have not been alone since March.
He has left the house and is no longer here, is staying in a garage temporarily and has asked for one of our five animals. I said yes, once he got on his feet but not today. His response was to tell me that if he couldn't have the dog then and there, he'd never have anything to do with the baby. I told him to get on his feet and I'd let him take the dog but for right now, she's unsafe when he's essentially homeless and it's unfair on her. It broke my heart not to let him take her but even his own mother has said I did the right thing, especially since he hasn't been able to stay sober. He's since told me and everyone around him that me keeping the dog is "my way of keeping him in my life". It's as though he doesn't even realise I'm pregnant.
He went missing for a day or so after making suicide threats and it's been all downhill ever since. He then blocked me out entirely for a week. In that time he missed 2 ultrasounds and a hospital visit because he was uncontactable. I have had threatened miscarriage due to stress and he had a go at me about how he wasn't there for the ultrasounds, which he blames me for despite me reaching out to try to let him know when/where they are and invited him along.
This is a very brief overview of what's been happening since around March. He now refuses to even acknowledge whether or not he wants to be in the child's life, which I am trying to be encouraging and supportive of.
I've been working with 1800 RESPECT, a local DV centre and our relationship counsellor. I'm aware of how controlling and abusive things are, but I can't help but feel like he just needs time to adjust in some way? However, I can't get a read on him AT ALL because he's now totally blocked out all communication.
I'm faced now with 3 options.
1. Stay where I am, which is an area we moved to in order to be closer to his family. I have friends here but not my closest ones and no family other than his mother, who is an hour away. I have a great job which I excel at and I'm really happy in.
2. Move away to an undisclosed location with a friend and basically disappear. Given his pattern of escalation and concerns he may become a lot worse, I've been warned by the professionals to be ready to do this at all times.
3. Move to a location that isn't a disappearing act but is 2000kms away where I have more support. I don't want to put more distance between the child and the family but I also want to get on with life without him stalking or harassing me.
The professionals all say to do what's best for me, but I want what's best for bub. I feel like maybe I'm in denial about how bad he actually is and that's why people keep encouraging me to move. But maybe everyone else is just being a bit dramatic? I don't believe in "my kid, my choice" mentality and I don't want to come between him and his child. But I also totally acknowledge that he does need professional help in order to be stable enough to be a father.
I really would love to know opinions on what path you would choose in my position because I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
28 Replies
Once the baby is here he can actually prevent you leaving and you are potentially trapped where you are. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like anyone is overreacting at all. Just with the info in the post alone and the options you have I’d listen to the professionals and leave. Even if that is 2000kms away. He doesn’t sound like he has anything to offer in the way of helping you raise a child.
You need to leave ASAP, move as fast as you can. Once baby arrives you can actually be prevented from leaving.
Leaving now will actually protect your baby and yourself. He is no way capable of having a relationship with your child and you should be doing anything in your power to protect the baby.
When actual professionals are telling you to move, you should move!
I’d also get yourself some legal advice in regards to birth certificate. I was advised not to ad the fathers name and write ‘unknown’ for my child’s protection. It’s the best thing I ever did. It’s meant my ex hasn’t been able to make our lives more difficult and we’ve been able to keep safe.
Will your child grow up never knowing who his father is? Will you be telling child when he /she is an adult? What happens when the hard question arrive then like 'who is my dad' etc ..
My son knows who his dad is. We have not kept it a secret from him. I had the help of a psychologist to help me have those discussions with him, in age appropriate ways. It’s never been a secret, but he understood that he isn’t safe (and he genuinely was not safe to be around).
We were genuinely recommended not to put him on the birth certificate by professionals.
The birth certificate has a number of legal ramifications (having to ask permission to leave the state, passports, CSA etc).
Move!!! Do not stay close to him. Disappear or go where you have support and still essentially disappear. Cut contact. I say this as someone who gave chance after chance after chance. Have a child in a psychologist, am completely over the bullshit now and cant get rid of him. Kids are old enough to remember him now too. And Im just exhausted and he still doesn't think anything hes done is that bad. Standards in the gutter. Same as you, all the signs were there, please see them and do the hard thing sooner rather than later.
Sounds like he's on everything he can get his addicted little hands on , including meth .
If hes to be having access to ur child , I'd be making it supervised AND court ordered with drug testing.
Good Luck.
So has he always been a drug user?
Did you know about the drug use?
How long have you been together?
How do you know it’s drug induced psychosis and not a bipolar high, even people with brain tumours can act like this.
I’m unclear why you would get pregnant to him if he’s a drug addict, that’s what makes me think it’s new and could be something else?
Has he been checked out?
I agree with others, until you get to the bottom of all this, treat him as extremely unsafe.
Move, as you won’t be able to later.
I say analyse it later and do what she has to do right now... she’s unable to change anything now so this poster just needs to move forward and set up a life for her and her baby away from abuse and drugs.
OP here.
He "got clean" to be with me in the beginning. He was smoking $800 a week in synthetic weed. We went through some stuff and he ended up on synthetic weed again. It nearly killed him. I rehabed him and he said he wanted to move away for a job and to get clean.
He went straight back to smoking weed, which was an ongoing battle. We settled on an amount to "keep the peace". He'd occasionally dabble in mdma but it was like 1-2x a year. The last 6 months he took a quick downhill spike but promised that it was all going to get better (yeah, I know, shouldn't have listened).
All I can say is the guy is a head-hunted salesman. EXTREMELY good at talking people into seeing things his way.
He wasn't as bad as he has been the last 3 months. He lost his job due to covid, I fell pregnant and he started smoking double the amount of weed he usually smokes. It all went downhill really quick.
He has been told by our couples psychologist that he presents as hypomanic and needs to a psychiatric review, but he refuses. I suspect bipolar or drug induced psychosis but I'm no doctor, so I can't say for sure. The amount of synthetic weed he used to smoke did a number on his brain and the last 3 months I've suspected he may be back on it again.
Oh okay, so you knew all about his drug use, it hasn’t come from left field. Agree with above commenter, get out now.
Move the 2000km to be near your support network.
This guy has given you enough reason to!
Go and bring this child up the best you can. He needs to work himself out. He isn’t ready to yet. But that doesn’t mean you have to go down the rabbit hole with him.
I would move as far away as possible before the baby arrives so he can’t put an order on you. I would also try and not put him on birth certificate (go to cop shop and get a stat dec, tell them everything) so that he has no rights to the baby.
Don’t get back with him or give him a second chance if he comes clean/recovers. He’s an addict and has shown his true colours!
I would move 2000kms away. Have my supportive family with me. I wouldn't allow dad to see bub without supervision. He seems dangerous! Unstable and definitely not in his right mind to have access to bub. Your baby depends on you, please leave ASAP.
I would move 2000kms away. Have my supportive family with me. I wouldn't allow dad to see bub without supervision. He seems dangerous! Unstable and definitely not in his right mind to have access to bub. Your baby depends on you, please leave ASAP.
3, move to where your support is. I live in WA while all my family live in Queensland, I'm stuck here because of my ex and his family are horrible, they are not supportive of the kids at all it's a very lonely life without family support. Move now before you have the baby, he cannot force you back.
mate, abort that baby and cut all ties with that man!! Seriously, you had to type all this crap out & ask strangers their opinion??!!!
Abort her baby that she’s longed for? I’m all for pro choice, but wtf?!
To be honest I actually agree with you! Having a child with someone this unstable, being tied to them forever is not the life I would want for myself or my children!
What is wrong with reaching out and hearing similar stories. Why should she abort the baby? Because you say so! 🤦🏼♀️ The only thing that needs aborting his this guy!!!
She’s not going to abort, she chose this, to have a baby with a drug addict, read her comment above.
She’s been in denial all along and still is.
The whole post minimises his behaviour.
She has spent the last 12 months trying to get pregnant whilst he’s been a drug addict and put her head in the sand.
I can’t wrap my head around meeting a guy with an 800 per week drug habit and him telling me he will magically quit because he met me, because I’m so *insert whatever bullshit lie he gave*.
Mate, you’re going to be a mother now, you really need therapy and need to make much better choices because you have a baby to protect. This starts with leaving this dick head behind. I feel worried for your baby, what happens when the next loser comes around? Will you “rehab” him too?
Been there done that!! I hear ya... it's a crazy ride that WILL NOT STOP until you get off. I had to leave after 17 years of up & down. I am in the same town still and we are amicable for the most part and he loves our son. But I had to leave the house and start again form scratch or I would never have been able to breathe, be the mum I am or retain my own sanity. Best of luck... you need to leave xx
Option 2 or 3 for the safety of you and baby. He is probably an Ice Addict or similar and you can’t get sense out of someone with those problems unless he seeks it himself after admitting he has a problem. You need to focus on yourself and Bub and if he sorts himself out in the future then you can reevaluate and think about contact then
Oh sweetheart! I’ve been there. 38 weeks pregnant with my second my husband told me he was an ice addict. He wanted to get help he really did, but things really didn’t get better for at least another 2 years. Your husband doesn’t even want to try. It’s your decision and it will be a lot easier to make now BEFORE you have the baby. You can always change your mind and move back IF he chooses to change his way of life and wants to be involved in his child’s life.
I think the path you should take is where you have the best support and help because once you have a newborn, It’s around the clock care and you need all the help you can get. I’m glad I stay with my parents when I had my daughter.
Pack your things and move the distance where you have support and love, staying where you are is putting you and your baby at risk. This is not saying he will never see your baby but right now he is not fit to be in a child's life. Children need love, safety and stability, staying will not provide this. Move and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy as you should be able to.
Get away now
Options 2 or 3
He is on the ICE
No doubt at all
My sisters ex was very similar
Look after you & your precious cargo
You need to move away from him with the baby and cut contact. Do not even tell his family when you and the baby are. He’s the type of person who will kill you. What an absolute nutter. Pack up and get away now. You’ll have to give your job up anyway and you may aswell leave while you can. Don’t feel guilty about the dog. He isn’t capable and you did the right thing. Get help to dissapear but what ever you do, cut contact with him. Chances are he will anyway once he meets another junkie and he will. Don’t even question it, get far away!
omg option 3!!!! option 3!!!! is option 3 moving closer to your family?
Pls take my advice seriously when i say dont let him near you, your baby or your animals.
This sounds exactly like the type of man that would kill you.