This week my stepson cracked it, not wanting to go to swimming practice... he lost it like I haven’t seen in a while, sobbing and screaming that “it’s boring” and he doesn’t want to do it any more. His mum tried all the usual, asking what he doesn’t like, seeing if there’s another sport he’d rather do, and all the rest, but he was locked into his negative spiral and digging his heels in. My stepson is really money motivated (a whole other debacle), so when nothing else was working bio-mum suggested paying him to attend, and my partner said he’d give him $5 every time he attends swim training, and $5 every time he beats his PB. I am NOT on board with this (I think it’s both masking whatever the real problem is, and also sets a dangerous precedent) but my partner tells me (in not quite so few words) that because I’m not a parent I shouldn’t judge. I appreciate he knows his kid better than I do, but I’ve been in his life 2+ years and I really do only want the best for him. I know the promise has been made now, and we can’t retract it, but am I right in raising my concerns to my partner...? (And to be clear - I’m not expecting any action or change, he just asked me if I was ok after the whole exchange, and I just said I didn’t think bribing his son was the right approach.)
23 Replies
I know a lot of people will tell you to mind your business but I disagree.
If you are going to have children to this man you do need to tell him what you don't agree with, you need to be on the same page for when you are parents together.
And I do agree with you, not just the bribing but pushing kids to do a sport they don't like is a pet hate of mine. Unless it is making them finish a semester because it's already been paid for and the child was adamant they would love it at the start, I think teaching them to finish commitments is important. If they have just enrolled him in swimming because they wanted to then they need to listen to their child.
All I will say is try not to judge.. once you have children you may see it differently.
Swimming is an important skill to have..
Pick your battles carefully. $5 a week isn’t life changing.
If there's PB's involved it's squad swimming, not lessons. I don't think the poster is worried about the money but the message it sends to him. He knows now that pretty much everything is negotiable if he's stubborn enough. What happens when he refuses to go to school, family wedding or shopping?
OP here - that’s exactly my concern! He’s a great kid, but to my mind this teaches him that if he kicks up enough of a stink he’ll be offered another “good deal” any time he doesn’t really want to do something... I agree that swimming is an important skill (especially because we love doing things like jet skiing and boating), but instead of bribing him I think we should all try to find out why he doesn’t like swim squad and work to motivate him to participate in other ways...
I agree with this comment...
To the other commenters....But parenting is negotiating all the way.
To the two year old, each your Brussel sprouts and you can have some ice cream.
Being an authoritarian doesn’t work with kids, because I said so....hate that shit.
My word is the final say urghhhhh
We are constantly negotiating, if you put your coat on, we will go for a walk.
I say to my 12 year old, time for your shower, he says can I watch this to the end first? I say, how long does it have to go? If 5 minutes fine, if 20, sorry mate, now.
Im not one of those bossy parents, and when he asks why, when I ask him to do something, I give him the bloody reason.
He’s also incredibly mature and well behaved.
Open dialogue, negotiation, choices, it’s all important for their development.
I think 5 dollars when he hits his PB is great motivation, we all need to be motivated by something, we don’t go to work for fun, why are kids any different?
We are raising adults, not kids.
. Life is an ongoing negotiation with kids. Positive behaviours, negative behaviours etc. my kids thrive on reward based systems. Not using money at this point but it’s the same basic principle.
I don’t however give into to tantrums. I’m hard on my kids and tell them that the more they carry on the less likely they are to get what they want. I stand firm on that no matter how much they carry on or embarrass me.
It’s no different to paying him to do chores.
I also think the only perfect parents are those that don’t have kids.
If he’s a good kid, they’re obviously doing a great job, I would trust in their parenting, they’ve done something right for the past ten years, without your opinion.
You’ve only been around 2 years, please, leave the parenting to the parents.
2 years, I don’t even know why you get a say or need to be onboard?
I agree with you, although i might promise an ice cream or their fave dinner to make the whole thing more enjoyable, but at the end of the day, its not your kid and if theyre in agreeance then its not exactly harmful, so just let it go.
I remember doctor Phil saying find your kids currency and use it.
His currency is literally money.
If he’s generally a good kid, I wouldn’t see the big deal.
We all bribe from time to time....it’s just more in your face with money.
Eat your dinner or you won’t get dessert...get dressed or we won’t go to the movie....behave or Santa won’t come...
If you consider all the bribing we do on a day to day basis, you wouldn’t think anything of this.
I think it’s just the money that makes it seem different, but the premise is exactly the same.
I agree
I agree.
I have bribed my kids with a kinder surprise if they are brave and don't cry at preschool drop off... lol they only cry because they are worried about leaving me so I also assure them that I am okay, they are okay ect ect I bribe for a few weeks and then tapper it off. It doesn't damage them.
I think if it became a habit and something that they had to use a lot... like money to attend primary school, swimming lessons, getting dressed each day ect ect, then it might be more damaging and a little obsessive and an issue.
It’s between his mum and dad, stay out of it
I think it's ridiculous, I think the way a lot of people parent their kids is ridiculous but if it doesn't affect me or my kids - I'm not about to lose sleep over it, unfortunately it's not that simple for you.
A lot of people will tell you it's not your business or because you're (presumably) not a bio parent that you don't know what you're talking about but I call horse crap on both of those arguments!
You haven't just rocked up on the scene, you're invested, you're a part of this blended family. The way they parent this child does affect you, so whether people like that fact or not, it actually does make it your business.
Regardless, you should be able to talk to your partner and express your concerns or make suggestions, he should value enough as his partner to at least listen to your input. Especially if you plan on having children together at some point.
Also, a person doesn't have to have children of their own to recognise a parenting approach that may be problematic.
I wonder do you reward your children? Maybe you should impart your perfect mum wisdom!
It’s absolutely not ridiculous to negotiate with your children. It is not ridiculous to use positive reinforcement with your children. It’s a fine line.
I have older kids and their Dad and his family used to bribe them all the time when they were little. They don't do anything now without asking what they get out of it. Dishes, mowing lawns, everything. If you all think bribing is OK you won't when they are teenagers. There's a difference between rewarding and bribery, the above scenario is clearly bribery.
Yep!
If you wanna end up with a teenager who won't do a thing unless you pay them, this is how you do it...
Although i don't agree this child should be paid in this case, the decision is between the childs birth parents.
I think stay out of it. I would only suggest focusing on why he doesn’t want to do it and finding another activity
I think you're getting a lot of unfair responses here.
He ddid ask, so you expressed your concern! It's not like you're out here giving unsolicited opinions left, right and centre or expecting them to completely uproot their entire parenting approach to suit your ideals.
You've said your piece - leave it at that. Maybe he'll take it on board in future, maybe he won't.
This is how people raise brats! I also think they could use another option of taking away any technology if he has any and not allowing him to have any until he does his activities. I also think you are entitled to your own opinion but you have to respect their way of raising him.
This is how people raise brats! I also think they could use another option of taking away any technology if he has any and not allowing him to have any until he does his activities. I also think you are entitled to your own opinion but you have to respect their way of raising him.
This is how people raise brats! I also think they could use another option of taking away any technology if he has any and not allowing him to have any until he does his activities. I also think you are entitled to your own opinion but you have to respect their way of raising him.