Hey IMs,
Last year I went through a bad break up. I came home to find all his stuff gone from our house. We hadn’t had a huge fight, there weren’t any huge problems. We had a great friendship, great sex, loved each other. We had a few things happen with friends and family (cancer, crap times at work, mental health, his friends being immature lol - pretty common stuff) but resolved it.
10 months since the break up, we have seen each other nearly every month. He still says he loves me. I can tell he’s very conflicted about his decision and is all over the shop.
I’m struggling with it all mainly because I imagined a huge and wonderful future for us. I would’ve and still would do so much for him. He’s a hard worker, so am I. He has a good job, I have three degrees and a great job too.
It’s so hard to let go of the friendship too, I miss him.
I’ve tried moving on but moving on comes with so much grief as well.
What has helped you in these times? Please help a sister out. X
7 Replies
He abandoned you without even telling you! You need to focus on that aspect of his personality. He thought things were so crap, that he just left.
The biggest gift you can give is to minimise contact with him and stop giving him opportunities to pull at your heart strings. Cause that’s him playing games. Keep him well away from him. If he isn’t doing everything in his power to restore your relationship HE DOESnT really want to be with you. He likes the idea but not enough to do it.
Don’t let him do that to you! You will end up a wreck, and unable to function and move on.
Time.
Only time.
You're stuck in it because you see him monthly and he gives you renewed hope that it will work out. But he's not saying that or trying, just throwing you N an ' I still love you'enough to keep you on the line.
But it's not enough. He's had time. I'd say you're more likely to get blindsided by him suddenly finding someone else, because he's not working on being with you.
It's time to make the choice that what he's done and what he's still doing is not ok. It's cruel, it's using, it's wishy washy, and it's to call it as it is - bullshit. You're worth more and you deserve more. You need to choose to find what you need. If he won't be it then move on and find it. (And really, even if he says he will try, can you even move past what he's done. Would you ever trust him and feel secure again?)
He wants his cake. But he wants to eat it too. I'm sure you can see that
The fact that he keeps sleeping with you every month but wont get back with you says enough. He is “all over the shop” because he doesnt really mean it. Thats pretty clear.
The grief will get easier over time. You are probably sabotaging new beginnings without realising it and there will be more happiness out there for you one day. One step at a time. If you aren’t meant to be then let it be. You need to stop thinking of the picture you have in your head and start thinking of positive changes for yourself without him in it. The biggest problem is always the picture we have in our heads. Change that picture and leave him out of it. Focus on a new picture for yourself and your goals. You never know you may fall in love with a Mr amazing that you never expected to come your way. Get rid of the obstacle of your ex and be free from your past so you can concentrate on yourself and your new future. It wasn’t meant to be and if he is unsure then don’t think about going there. Let him go and stop being friends until you are both free of the past.
I've been researching this a bit lately because it's just happened to someone close to me. He probably won't change. Take care of yourself. You are worth so much more than this.
https://www.marriage.com/advice/counseling/know-about-spousal-abandonmen...