I am absolutely in a DV situation, I have been married for nearly 17 years and the whole time there has been abuse.
I’m talking financial abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse, I am a shell of my former self.
I am scared to leave, really scared, he is so nasty and he would hurt me even more if I left, at least if I stay, I know where the enemy is.
He just told me that I deserved to get hit, he is a narcissist and is always gaslighting.
He has alienated me from my family and friends, I genuinely feel very alone.
I’m frightened of what he will do if I get the strength to leave.
If you’ve been where I am, how did you start over as I will leave with absolutely nothing, as I’ll have to leave in a hurry?
I will have no money, we live week to week, he always leaves me with zero in my account yet he saves $1000’s a month.
My kids will still need to have a relationship with their dad, even though they dislike him at times for his behaviour. How do you manage this?
I know it’s easy for people to say “just leave” but it’s so scary.
11 Replies
I ran off one night when he was asleep. I took one of the cars and camped in it until I found a house. Thankfully I had a job and was able to do a few extra sleepovers at work (I’m a disability support worker in a supported independent living facility), so I sometimes had a bed and shower. I washed my clothes at work at night.
He put it around that I had abandoned him and the kids. I couldn’t see them for 8 weeks, as he hid them inside.
I managed to get a house eventually, and one day when he was passed out pissed in the shed (which you can see from the road)I snuck back and took the kids.
So were the kids ever in danger and were they looked after properly by him? or was it just you in danger? Passed out pissed with kids is so irresponsible and a good clue that he was probably a shit dad too.
Do you have any family you could ask for help? Or a local womens shelter or dv help?
If you are unsure call 1800respect
They should be able to point you in the right direction in your area for help.
If he gets physical, can you call the police? Or even make a doctors appointment and speak to them about it (that way your partner wont be suspicious) Dont just ask for help, TELL them you *need* help.
You can live a better life. You deserve that.
But you need a plan and 1800respect can help you with a plan.
Keep coming back here if you need to for support and encouragement, i assume hes also alienated you from your friends, so come here and ask for advice when you are unsure.
You can do this.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you 😔 You can do this sending lots of love and strength xxx.
Contact 1800RESPECT
They will assist with everything from emergency accommodation to putting you in a flight to somewhere you will be safe if you are ready to leave...
If you are not ready now They will also put you in contact with DV support workers to help you make a plan and they will assist with funding to make your plan happen
There is also emergency assistance from the commonwealth bank if you open an account with them
There are lots of options and you will
Be supported you just need to take the first step by reaching out
I had half of my family tax benefit paid into a secret account for 6 months. I told him that my payment was reduced. Then one morning, after a severe beating one night, I waited until my ex went to work in the morning and as soon as his car pulled out of the driveway I packed all of the children's clothes and called a taxi. I caught the taxi from Ferntree Gully in Victoria to Tullamarine airport. I cried all the way. When I arrived at the airport I purchased plane tickets to Canberra. When I arrived in Canberra I called my Mum and Dad and told them everything. I changed my phone number. I lived with Mum and Dad and the 3 kids in a 3 bedroom house. I got a job and purchased all new furniture that I kept in my parents garage. I then saved for a rental property and moved out. It was the best decision I have ever made. I went back to uni and now have a PhD. It is the hardest and most frightening thing I have ever done but it is also the thing I am most proudest of doing! You can do it too...I know you can xo
Very clever and brave. I am proud of you as well xx
I'm sorry you are in this..i pray you find the strength to leave for yourself and especially your children..the affects of DV on children can be detrimental to there wellbeing😕 they live what they learn and hopefully they will see you had strength to know you all deserve better and DV is not ok. Reach out for help and Make a plan to leave and i pray for your safety💙
I totally understand where you are coming from. I was in the same boat for 13 years - it is the fear of the unknown that makes it easier to justify staying and, as you said, the comfort in knowing where the enemy is. We've been separated for more than 2 years now and the kids and I are so much happier. It's certainly not easy co-parenting with a narcissist, but at least, for the majority of the time, things are much more peaceful without him in our house. The best thing that can happen when you separate from a narcissist, as terrible as it sounds, is for them to find someone else to focus their energy on instead. It was a struggle in the beginning, because I found myself giving in and being nice every time he threatened to kill himself, but I had a phone counselling session that opened my eyes to how I was enabling him. The next time he threatened to kill himself I told him that if that was what he needed to do then I wouldn't stand in his way, because I know that it wouldn't be my fault if he did. In that instant he recognised that he'd lost his control over me and the old tricks of making me feel bad for his abusive behaviour weren't going to work anymore. He found a new girlfriend within a week and I didn't hear from him again, other than for things to do with the kids. They become so good at making you think that it's your fault they treat you the way that they do that you get to the point where you can't see how you're basically giving them the green light to continue to be abusive. It's insane to think that my husband could come down from a violent rage episode, in which he'd physically assaulted me, and be angry at me about it, and, more still, that I would think I had caused it or blown it out of proportion in my mind somehow, because, if he wasn't sorry, then maybe it wasn't actually as bad as I remembered it. But it happens so gradually that you don't see it happening and then you feel trapped. I would really recommend talking to an experienced domestic violence counsellor as the first step, because preparing you for how to deal with his reaction to your decision to leave would have to be the most important thing to keeping you safe, in my opinion. Don't worry about finances - there is so much support available for domestic violence victims, so don't let that stop you from leaving. Did you keep a diary of violent events? Or ever call the police? Having a detailed list of events and/or copies of police reports really helps if you do end up in court regarding custody. If you don't then I would also suggest sitting down and attempting to get significant events down on paper now, with approximate dates. I'm still working through court with my ex, so would be more than happy to chat with you anytime and help you, if I can. I hope it all goes well for you xx
Leaving an abusive partner is extremely scary
I lived with one for 21 years
I was paralysed with fear
He threatened to kill me if I left, yet I was dying every day by staying
One day when he was mental and threaten to kill me, as he had done million times before, I jumped in the car and drove off, no idea where
Things were hard, but nothing as hard as being where I was
Take that first step, as hard as it is, arrange temporary stay with friends or family, worry about getting out, worry about one day at a time
Don’t advertise your plan and save your life please
You can do it, many of us have done it
Hugs to you
And best of luck
Firstly stop and think about what your are doing. You obviously don’t want to be there. It had damaged you and your children. Make a plan, you can’t keep living like this. Do you want your kids to live like this. Secondly he doesn’t own you. You are in control of you life and your decisions even though he makes you feel like he is and thinks he is, he is not! He has no right what so ever to treat you this way. He doesn’t own you.
I know this is hard but you need to reach out to domestic violence help line and accept the help that they offer to get you out of this situation. Forget about the kids not seeing him for now. Don’t even think of that. The thing you need to think of is your safety and the kids.
accept all the help you get, get away and contact your family and tell them you have left. They will all open up and be supportive of you and your kids. You will have all these beautiful support people back in your life again. You don’t need him!
Go to the police and get an avo on him. Don’t allow the kids to go to him on there own and get supervised visits only down the track.
You need an avo on and he can’t know where you live. You need to cut contact and ties with him for your own good and safety. Domestic violence will help you with this along with money from centrelink and safe housing. Take all this support and don’t be afraid. Your new happy and healthy life is waiting for you and the kids. Don’t be scared. Get out and you won’t look back but you must cut contact with him.
Seek help ASAP and make that hardest move that will be your best ever move. You will find yourself and your happiness again. Pack the kids stuff and yours even and go to family and hide out. Don’t let him know where yas are. Do what you have to, you can do this!