I have been with my partner for 18 years, we have two kids together and for the past 4-5 years he has suffered with a mental illness. He has not been able to hold down a job, and when he’s had a job he’s not been able to work a full week. Whether it’s his mental illness, headaches, stomach pains he will take the day off work almost without even thinking about it. He has been unemployed since January and it’s just been so much to deal with. He suffers from insomnia yet he sleeps all morning, he doesn’t do himself any favors. I just don’t know how much longer I can go on with him, I’ve tried getting him to come for walks, he's too lazy. I’ve tried getting him back to the psychologist but he won’t go. I feel like I’ve tried absolutely everything. But he really needs to want to help himself. I’m just so tired of always being behind, always struggling, always fighting a losing battle. He’s not the person I fell in love with. He’s changed a lot. How do I keep going with him? Or is it time to start again?
Losing battle with a partner who doesn’t want to help himself
Losing battle with a partner who doesn’t want to help himself
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health
16 Replies
Time to start again for you and your kids. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
Seems like this is going to be reality for us. I just don’t know how to make the big escape.
Unfortunately it sounds like he won’t do anything to help himself until he hits rock bottom. You need to think about yourself and your own mental health. Maybe you leaving will be what he needs to seek help for himself. Down the road a bit once he’s got himself sorted out, or well on the way to sorting himself out, you can consider rekindling the relationship if it’s what you both want. It’s ok to say enough is enough, this relationship is no longer beneficial to me and my mental/physical health.
Sadly I think you’re right but it seems so hard in theory. I know he won’t leave our family home, it will have to be me leaving. And disrupting the kids lives, but we are hanging to our home by a thread anyway.
Kids usually adapt fairly easily. Depending on their ages, you may need to organise counselling for them. And it wouldn’t hurt you to get counselling for yourself. They will be able to help you with planning to leave as well as advice on how to support the kids through the changes. Good luck!
I left my ex for being like this for a decade. One decade without a job was just the beginning. There were other things he refused to do too. My mistake was staying too long and providing everything. In the end I found the real reason was meth addiction. Shame on me for not seeing this sooner , I was fooled. He hid it so well.
Don't be another me
You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, you trusted him and he fooled you. How did you find out he had an ice addiction? I work part time, do all Jodie work, cook dinner, not to mention caring for the kids. It’s just getting beyond a joke. But I know he’ll never leave. It will be be that goes, with the kids. Stuck in a horrible situation unfortunately :(
I found out slowly about the ice addiction. He would have long periods of being awake, and then a 'crash' which lasted at times up to two weeks where he did it all day and night, was short tempered, moody, excessively hungry . He always made up excuses that I believed such as a bad headache, nausea coz he 'ate something bad', so he could stay in bed and sleep, toothaches, a sore back so he could stay in bed week after week . All made up completely or related to a meth come downs .
Other signs were money going missing, secret phone conversations, trips to the local shop for basics like bread and milk would turn into hours AWOL. I used to find 5 or 6 dead lighters in the car, the house, his drawers, his pockets. He was a ciggy smoker so he made me believe the lighters ran out of gas because he lit up a lot. I believed it all until I found a meth pipe hidden in his belongings. Then the whole dirty truth made a million types of sense.
I realised the sleeping a lot and mood swings were come downs. The aching back, teeth , headpain , massive hungers , etc ... all a come down..
My missing money was to buy meth , but he would lie about where it went.
The dead lighters, all to keep a glass pipe burning as they hold the flame for minutes at a time under the glass bulb.
I had a breakdown and left for good. The excuses that cane after I left were a laugh. He lied and lied his way through every excuse why that pipe wasn't his and why I was imagining the rest. It's the only time he talked to me that much in our long relationship. The only time he talked, was to lie to my face after I left. Before that, being in bed and secrets were his best friends.
All a long I thought he suffered from a mental illness and i stayed to care for, love , and support him because he refused to see a doctor for help ..
Only to find out I was made a fool of and all as he was , was a dirty lying junkie.
I'm not saying your partner is this too, but just look a little deeper. Check a few subtle issues. Do not overlook a single suspicion..
Just be sure xxx
Not OP. I’m so sorry you went though this. But I agree with everything you said my partner was the same when he was hiding his meth use. 12mths no job, always ‘sick’, ate through the Panadol and I didn’t realise until I found the needle kit and point bags in the car 😪😪 he’s working on keeping clean now. But I think the damage has already been done and will leave as soon as I can now.
Thank u sweetheart, Shocking isn't it?
I'm sorry too that you are currently living it. If he can't get clean, and mean it please leave . Otherwise It will never get any better. Ever xx
The attitude I ended up taking was:
1. He wasn’t even trying to get better himself
2. Me staying with him wasn’t helping him, if anything it was enabling him
3. I had to protect my mental health for my kid
4. If he had been trying it would have been an entirely different situation.
Yes I absolutely get that. How did you get out? I’m so worried about money, we have a mortgage together and I just know he won’t leave. I’ll probably have to disrupt my kids and go to my parents.
We were renting so that was much easier in that respect.
I did go home to my parents, which we treated like an adventure and a bit of a holiday, so my son picked up on that feeling. To be honest my son was relieved to be out of the toxic environment. Being at my parents just made us realise how miserable we were before. So don’t assume this change will be negative on the kids.
If I was you I’d get legal advice before I leave.
If he’s lazy and won’t help himself, fk him off
I hope you would give the same advice if this was a female with undiagnosed postnatal depression
Sounds like his mental illness is destroying his life (and yours). He probably doesn’t have the capacity to even plan for any help himself. As a partner of someone with similar debilitating MI I totally get where you are at.
As a last ditch effort I increased our health cover and took him to the doctors with a list (a very long list). I begged the GP to help us and have him admitted to a private hospital for treatment. It’s not a quick fix but it has opened up doors for treatment. I’m not going to lie - He went voluntarily and he didn’t like it (didn’t speak to me for days and was an arsehole). It put the ball in his court though. He had the resources and support and all he had to do was say yes.