Hello everyone, I don’t have kids but I didn’t know where to go to find support.. help.. answers to my questions...
I’ve got married 6 months ago to my husband, he’s Australian and I’m French, I live far from my family and friends nd I found out that my husband had a problem wirh ice...
I’m devasted... I’m lost... I’m hurt, broken ... I don’t know what to do...
I knew he already smoked some and that he use to take lots of drugs out with his friends when he was younger etc we even did drugs together for fun and I even tried ice wirh him cause I didn’t think it was that bad...
But then I found out a few time that he lied to me and went to smoke ice behind my back..
We talked about it and he told me he would never again.. and I trusted him... it’s hard cause we have such a great relationship other then that... You could never tell he’s smoking this shit..
But this week I found on his bank account thay he was transferring money to a guy, that I know for fact his smoking and dealing ice...
I confronted him and first he lied.. and then he admits it... I got so so so angry that it end up almost in a physical fight.. I feel betrayed ... I feel. Lost.. I can’t tell any of my family or they will fear for me and tell me to come home..
I told his mum.. cause I thought she was the best person to help me with it... we’re gonna try our best to help him.. but I’m so scared .. I don’t know if I can... we were trying to have a baby....... I can’t stop crying .... yes I tried drugs in my life I partied but I’m so far from it now, I’m healthy, I do yoga, I workout, I eat well I have a really healthy balanced life... and I’m so scared of this drugs and to handle it with him.. I love him but I don’t know if and how I can do it ..
I need help, just to talk to someone has I can’t tel anyone else... it’s really hard on me.. and I’m really really angry wirh him...
32 Replies
It's not your job to fix him. When they say "for better or worse", they're not talking about a conscious decision to make it worse. Noone has to surrender their power that much for the sake of a piece of paper. Unfortunately the way he sees it is that you took it with him so you're ok with it and no matter what you say about hating it, all he has to do is say what you want to hear with no intention of actually doing it and you'll stay.
Time to prove him wrong my friend.
There's community groups for the families of drug users, for support, advice, a shoulder to cry on. Which will help alot because you have to stand firm with him that this shit is not on and if he wants to continue with it he can fuck right off.
You are able to support his efforts to get clean from outside the family home and I encourage you to do so. You'll do your head in trying to balance it all inside the relationship.
Reach out when you need to, we're not a bad mob.
I agree. It is not your job to fix him. You had to change yourself to get out of your unhealthy habits. He couldn't do it for you. He has to do this for himself, just as you did. You didn't change until you wanted to. He won't either. When it comes to drugs, the person you know is no longer that person. Everything you knew is off the table. He needs to leave and fix himself. He is welcome back when clean. So so hard. Sending hugs.
I looked online into group support, meetings etc and I will reach out to them... I don’t want to give up on him, at least not now, I’m not ready ... I don’t think he does it a lot cause he’s been eating a lot and sleeping a lot.... but now and then he did and that’s already to much for me ...
it’s just so scary..
It's not about giving up on him, please don't take it that way. I've known wonderful people who got mixed up with hard drugs and it didn't stop them being good people in their core, it just meant at that time they weren't making good choices. And that did absolutely change how I had to interact with them.
The reason I say to support from outside the home is both for your safety and your sanity. Ice users are unpredictable as all hell. They'll generally go a bit nuts and start hitting. Stuff, pets, people, whatever is in the way at that time. You need that to not be you. As I mentioned, it's a lot harder to see from inside the circle, it's like a psychological barrier goes over your eyes and you believe a lot more than you should, you question yourself, every time you let something slide your expectations drop. You need to make your number 1 priority not giving up on you for the sake of not giving up on him.
Sleeping a lot is common in the comedown phase. Watch yourself for the verbal or physical abuse. Usually hits about day 2-3. First part usually tears and remorse. Then verbal abuse. Sleeping heaps. More abuse. Come good up to a week later if no more use. Least that’s my experience when my partner goes on a bender.
'I don't think he does it a lot because hes been eating a lot and sleeping a lot'
Sweetheart that there is classic signs of a meth user. I was with one for almost 2 decades and he ate a lot and slept a lot on a comedown. It's also a sign of heavy use. Don't kid yourself. My husband finally got help and got clean. 5 years on, he has never touched another pipe and has never seen any of his ex methy friends
His whole lifestyle needed to change and it did. I left my husband , my leaving scared him clean. I returned once he was well again and had been clean for more than 6 months.
Addicts can recover . They also can and do relapse. We learned during the meth concilling sessions that 80 percent of users eventually return to the drug after months or years of sobriety. The full time recovery rate is only at 20 percent. But your husband has potential to fall in that 20 percent like I believe mine has .
The ultimatum is if he relapses im gone for good, never to return . The risk is low but its always there.
So get out now just for an initial respite period. It doesn't mean you have to leave for good. You can always return once hes clean.
Your family would be right to be worried about you if they knew. Ice is a very serious and very dangerous drug that is highly addictive (im sure you already know this)
If you were my daughter i would want you back with me too.
As mentioned above, its not your job to fix him. Does he want to give it up? Is he seeking out a rehab or counselling service himself? You can support but ultimately he must be the one to get the help.
Im sorry you are going through this, and I dont know how bad his addiction is, but I have seen the effects of this soul destroying drug on 'regular normal' people and ive been told that the desire for it never fully leaves you.
Are you able to get back to your family if you needed to?
My advice is to have an emergency plan for yourself, some cash and a way to leave if you ever feel unsafe. Have enough money for a plane ticket 'just in case'
Also maybe try calling or texting one of the hotlines like lifeline as they are professionals and could probably give you some direction on what his next step should be. Good luck.
We have a dog and 3 cats that I can’t abandon here.... I don’t want to give up on him.. at least I’m. Not ready yet to do it... I’m leaving today I took an Airbnb for a few days with my dog I hope he will get that this time I won’t come back if he doesn’t change and if I have to I can go back to France ... we just got married and he’s honestly the love of my life... I never had someone like him he’s a great guy... apart from this...
Please don’t have a baby with him in the meantime 😕
OP your not anon in some of these comments xx
The guy you married is not himself. There are families who will love and care for your pets. Plz...this is lifelong. You are about embark on a journey of lies, pain and abuse. Please. please don't.
The guy you married is not himself. There are families who will love and care for your pets. Plz...this is lifelong. You are about embark on a journey of lies, pain and abuse. Please. please don't.
You can’t help him. I’m literally in the same situation (but with kids). I found contacting Lives Lived Well (QLD but maybe in other states as well) is my saviour. It helps you understand the drug, the comedown, the manipulation and what you can do to help YOU.
Remember there is nothing you can do to stop this and he needs to want to be helped before he will ever stop.
Good luck
Not the OP, but fuck, I HATE ice. it has ruined so so many lives. it completely changes people!!!
My comment above! Yeap 100% changes people for the absolutely WORST! The come downs are horrific. Name calling, verbal abuse. Waking on eggshells. For some physical abuse (very lucky not my case) but the emotional scars are just as bad as any bruise or black eyes 😪
I f***ing hate ICE!!
Nothing worse than grieving the loss of someone still alive.
But that’s the thing ..... unless we have a fight for something and then i get really angry and we start to fight, he never gets angry, I mean I never really saw mood swings etc, and trust me I’m not in deny ... I’m trying to be as clear as possible with the situation..
like he won’t get angry for no reasons we have a really beautiful relationship (if the ice wasn’t there) I know it sounds cheesy but it’s true, during the week we both works he finishes work before me and he takes the fo our feed the cats and clean the all house before I finish (everyday) over the weekend we’re going out in the nature with the dog and we’re always together, he’s really gentle and loving... I think that’s why I’m so so so hurt.... cause he doesn’t act at all like someone that has a problem... I don’t know how many times he did it ... how long it’s been going on... but I can’t help to think that maybe I can save him ..
You can’t save him he has to want to save himself
Hunny, listen to me. run. Get your stuff and either move out or go home, to your family and support. I'm not saying this to be mean. Far from it. Ice is evil, its horrific and unless HE wants help, there is nothing you can do. He will lie straight to your face. He will tell you whatever you want to hear. Don't believe a word he says.
My sister is an ice addict. There is literally NOTHING you can do unless they hit absolute rock bottom and want help. She gave up her kids for ice. She prostituted for ice. She went to rehab when we forced her, got out as soon as possible and then went back on ice. We've cried so, so many tears. We've begged and pleaded and sought out help.
Please. Go. Stay safe and go. I know its hard to travel atm, but quietly put plans in place. You need to keep yourself safe and sound.
(PS I feel awful telling someone from overseas to "go home" and I'm not saying this in a bad way...completely the opposite. Ice is... shit. utter and complete shit)
The thins is that I don’t have a home... I don’t have a dad and my mum left when I was a kid and don’t care about me... this was finally my home... I know I shouldn’t pitty myself there is much worse situation... but fuck ..... I can’t believe it... all I ever wanted it’s a family and a normal life...
Get out while you still have your sanity, and your finances aren’t totally destroyed.
And I say this from experience. It’s not because you don’t love them, and it’s not because they don’t have good qualities.
My addict was so fun, l loved him, he loved me, I wanted the relationship to work so badly.
I left too late. I left when I was so emotionally done I couldn’t look after myself anymore. I was totally broke and was broken.
I pray that he gets better, still. I want him to get better and I want him to have a good life.
I didn’t leave because I was heartless and didn’t love him. I tried so hard to get him help.
I left because I finally understood, that only he could get himself better and me staying wasn’t helping him and would never have helped him.
Oh my heart 💔💔 so true. I’ve left my own leaving late too
Oh god you're in a fog still believing things are good and you can fix this, also telling yourself you're committed and have to stay 'better or worse, pets you can't leave'
I'll tell you something - if you have a child you're going to end up fleeing him, life will be so hard for you whether you stay or go but you will have to go, parenting will be so hard for you. And you will regret ever locking yourself to an ice user.
You know. You're not stuck there. You have options. It will never be easier than now. But this, right now, is not ok.
I know... I know you guys right... it’s so so hard to imahine that the guy I love and that loved me so bad... the truth is that I don’t have a dad and my mum left me when I was 10... I’ve been alone for so long... and I finally found someone that loved me so much .... it kills my heart to imagine my life without him... I even thought of solutions like taking him to France (wish he said he will) for a year, there he won’t know anyone he won’t be able to buy any and maybe he could come clean ...... I don’t know I’m lost ... the worse is that I told his mum to help him, à cry for help.... and she was grateful that I did.... and then she turned her back on me.... so now the situation is that I’m by myself with really little money (lucky i work) in a motel room with 3 cats and a dog, and my husband hates me, he’s mum that I thought was trustworthy turned her back at me and is Now in deny with her son addiction ..... they won’t even help him.... it’s disgusting
He'll make connections. He'll find a way. He'll keep doing it. This is not home. It's not the best you'll find. You can not fix him.
He still loves you. Trouble is he loves the drugs more right now. Protect yourself. Hating you is part of the addiction. One thing I learnt is if the addict is happy with you you’re probably enabling him in some way.
He'll find drugs in France. He'll find them wherever he goes. He has a phone and access to cash I assume? Don't believe a word he says. It's not him talking, it's ice. It's not your fault, it's ice. He cannot change unless he wants change. We were told that my sister needs to hit complete rock bottom to want change and the grip ice has on them is complete and utter. Go. Save yourself. Save your mental wellbeing, your finances. If you stay, you'll be right here, posting in 12 months time about having a newborn whilst your husband is battling ice addiction.
It CAN be overcome. But HE has to do it. Protect your mental health. Your are not abandoning him.
Drug addicts find drugs everywhere. They can sniff out another addict a mile away and they instinctively know where to find drugs.
And meanwhile you'll break yourself moving here and there trying to find a way that you can fix him, that you can be happy with him, until you're exhausted, isolated, poor and broken.
I know it's hard , but try not to blame the mum turning her back on the situation, Its not her job to fix him and some ppl dont know how to deal with a loved one on ice. They just dont want to get involved. And for good reason as the drug is so unpredictable that other loved ones cannot bare to be in the firing line, even if it's to support you, bcoz for her, that's still her son and could appear as betrayal to him. She probably just isnt in a position to be dealing with this and it becoming her burden to carry.
YOU NEED TO TAKE THIS SERIOUS AND HE EITHER SEEKS PROFESSIONAL HELP NOW AND HAND OVER THE MONEY TO YOU AND BANK CARDS AND ONLY ALLOW HIM A SMALL AMOUNT EACH DAY. IF HE DOESN'T GET PROFESSIONAL HELP AND STICK AT IT, GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE YOU HAVE A BABY AND HE GETS WORSE. HE WILL ONLY GET WORSE AS THE ADDICTION BECOMES WORSE. YOU POOR GIRL, DONT STICK AROUND IF HE WONT GET HELP AND STICK AT THE HELP. IVE SEEN MY FRIENDS GO THROUGH HELL THE LAST 5 YEARS AND THEY HAVE ALL MOVED ON AND THEIR EX PARTNERS ARE AT ROCK BOTTOM!
Oh my.
All I can say is can you imagine your life in a few years time when ice has really taken hold and you are literally trapped in Australia because you won't be able to flee the country with your child? Please think long and hard about this. Don't bring a baby into this awful situation.
He can stop you from leaving the country if you have a child together. Please don't do this to yourself, you are worth so much more.
He's already manipulating his mum and obviously telling her he's not an addict and she believes him. That's not a good sign at all.
Get out while you can and enjoy your precious life without a drug addict.