I get a lot out of the advice this group offers to its sisters. The strength, reassurance and compassion. I see so many other parents and mothers in similar situations and I am asking myself would it be ok for my daughter or best friend to suffer through this amount of emotional, psycological or financial abuse?
But I'm not sure if I've made the right decision. Please share your experiences so I don't screw everyone's lives up.
Married 10 years, 2 children in primary school. Husband has a family history of mental health problems and has for years struggled with settling down and being happy. He has always stressed over money, never happy with his work, never lasted at a job too long. He berates me for spending money (little abouts like $30 on a dress) but can spend hundreds on useless things or new hobbies at the drop of a hat. And he doesn't respect me, he doesn't listen to my point of view, my opinion or my beliefs, he dismisses me or talks down to me in front of the kids. He yells and intimidates me, punches walls and throws things. I walk on eggshells, confirm all dinner plans or outings with him. I feel incapable of making a decision on my own. But then he made me make the call to end the relationship, letting the kids know it's mum's fault that daddy is gone.
I wish sometimes that he had been cheating or maybe had hit me. That seems a stronger justification than he just broke my spirit, crushed my self esteem and destroyed my happily ever after.
During the last 5 or so years I've asked him, I've even booked and went with him to see a psychologist. But he didn't commit to it. I've asked him to ease up on the alcohol, he was drinking a dozen drinks a night if not more. But he hasn't ever done anything to help himself out of this hole. If anything he has reminded me that I'm the reason he drinks. I've distanced myself from him physically, we still had sex every week or two but I didn't cuddle or kiss him. I resented him I suppose.
So since the loud and angry decision to end things, he has seen a doctor, he is on a mild antidepressant. He has an appointment to see a psychologist and has been talking to a drug and alcohol counselor. He is begging me to take him back, telling me over and over that he loves me and he has changed. He is also flipping and reminding me how horrible I've been, criticising my parenting and reminding me I need help - I probably do. But he has also realised he may have undiagnosed ASD, anxiety, depression, bipolar or schizophrenia. And to be honest he ticks a lot of boxes in several of those groups. I should be running for the trees!
The last few months have been peaceful, minus the toxic interactions and the desperate requests to get back together, oh, and the suicide threats. But our marriage vows said for better or for worse. If it were a physical disability I would support him through. So shouldn't I soldier through this one too? Seems a bit selfish to leave him when he is at his lowest. But then, he crushed the once happy, independent and adventurous me. Now I'm an absolute mess.
What do I do?
6 Replies
You stay single, you live your peaceful life.
If you go back now, he will stop his therapy and you will all be back to square one. He only bothered to get help when he realised you were done. Many abusers use this tactic to keep you in the game, then things quickly revert back. He didn’t get help because he respected you and the children and he didn’t get help because he wanted you and the children should live in a safe environment. He got help because he lost control over you.
The only reason he is at his lowest point is because he feels like he has lost control over the relationship. He is not at his lowest because of his mental health.
His focus needs to be getting himself well, he has only taken one small step on the ladder. When/if he gets to the top of the ladder then you could reassess, but even then it would take loads of couples therapy etc to relearn how to interact with each other in a positive way.
He is right that therapy would help you, just not in the way he thinks. Therapy and developing a healthier understanding of how relationships can be will push you further away from him, not closer as you wonder why you stayed with him for so very long.
PS having a mental health problem is no excuse for his behaviour. He was a grown man who thought it was acceptable to behave in an abhorrent way and chose not to do anything to change his behaviour.
You live your peaceful life with and for your kids xxx
I’m all for supporting your partner in sickness and in health, but you said it yourself that this is abuse. He has hit his rock bottom because he no longer has control over you. You cannot support someone who thinks there is nothing wrong with their behaviour. It takes time for behaviours to change, with the list of mental health issues you’ve listed it will take months if not years for him to be in a position to maintain a healthy relationship. You do need help, go see your GP to get a mental health care plan. A psychologist will help you find you again, as well as be able to support you to support him from a distance. If you rush back to him now you are showing your children it’s ok to treat the person you love horribly. Show your children it is ok to set appropriate boundaries for how you wish to be treated. You’ve said it yourself that it’s been peaceful without him.
Self preservation! Someone one who couldn’t change for years until they had to never changes for long!
For Better and for worse assumes that it is a partnership whereby both people are better for the connection. You do not need to uphold this commitment when you are being constantly intimidated and disrespected!
You are in your rights to walk away! Show your children that it isn’t ok for men to treat women in that way!!
Good luck
It's great that he's seeking help, but let him get himself sorted before you even consider it. 6 months out for me and I can't even imagine living in the same house with him ever again. The thought terrifies me. Same as you in regards to walking on eggshells. Completely lost myself changing and altering my behaviour to make sure that the kids and I didn't upset his fragile self.
Everything is still my fault though. I broke up the family, I'm only thinking of myself, it's my fault he wont get to own a home again. It's my fault he wont seek out accommodation where his kids can stay overnight.
Give yourself time to breathe and find you again. Let him get the help he so desperately needs.
So how did he do stitching with his marriage vows? Did he love and respect you? Treat you better than anyone etc? He had plenty of chances and just sucked you into a hole. Do not go back, if he’s doing all these things that’s great for the kids but he should have stepped up when you asked him to a long time ago. Stay strong and focus on yourself and the kids happiness now. Hugs