My partners ex wants him to take their children shopping for a birthday present for Her cause she is worried her current partner isn't going to get her anything... Does anyone else find this strange she also requested this on mothers day which I stated was weird and that it was her new partners responsibility. And when I say her new partner they have been together 2 years and have a child together.
Am I being petty or is this just a weird request from the ex cause her new partner isn't great?
45 Replies
Yep, you are being petty. It is not her new partners responsibility to take 'her kids with another guy' shopping for presents for her. The kids have a dad and if they would like to buy something for their mum then its their dads job to make it happen.
Your being petty! Your partners role in life is to teach his children how to treat people! Buy the present, she will likely do the same for your partner!
The thing with parenting is, it doesn’t matter who comes along, you don’t handball or default to someone else. You’ll always be the parent, you aren’t replaced, especially with a bloke who’s been around a couple of years. Not strange, new bloke doesn’t change anything, he’s still their dad.
I think you are being petty.
She isn’t asking him to buy her a present. She is asking that he supervises his own children and that he teaches his own children to be kind and thoughtful.
Does she take the kids Father's day shopping and birthday shopping or is that considered your job?
If there's a bit of a double standard going on here, not at all being petty.
I don't have an issue with buying exes birthday/parent day gifts if you're so inclined, whatever, it's a nice gesture...
I do have a huge problem with gifts being an expectation or requested under these circumstances though, actually I can't think of any circumstances where literally asking for a gift isn't rude AF!!
Its not about her. It’s about the kids.
Yeah, I don't for a second believe that she's thinking about the kids in this...
She doesn't take them shopping for his birthday or fathers day as that's expected of me she said in the past but somehow it's expected of us to buy her a present for her as she specifically asked
I don't think you're being petty. Really weird. I would never ask my ex to do this. When he got remarried his new wife thought of me at mothers day and Christmas and got me something on behalf of the kids which I thought was amazing of her but there's no way in hell I would expect it. My new partner also used to buy something small for his ex on special days but when the kids got old enough they had to buy it themselves, never did she ask or expect that to happen. It's really nice if they do buy for an ex but rude as hell to expect someone to buy for you like that.
Exactly! Why shouldn’t the new partner take the kids shopping, he’s clearly been in their lives awhile and would be expected to get her something from the new baby so why not make it a family gift. My ex got my kids to do paintings for me for the first year or so after we split, and I did the same for him, but he stopped because his partner didn’t like it. I ended up stopping once they were both at daycare, because they would make something for mother’s/father’s day and Christmas. I asked that two gifts be made for Christmas so we each got something. I would ask my parents to take them shopping for my birthday, enabling them to get me something special of their choosing.
I don’t think you are being petty. If your partner chose to take them shopping (without her asking) or if the kids asked him to take them, fair enough I wouldn’t have an issue. She’s got a partner who has clearly been in the kids lives long enough for her to get pregnant and have a baby, so he should be taking them. Or she should be asking her parents or a close friend to take them.
🙄
Oh gosh. It’s not about the ex or your partner! It’s about giving the children the opportunity to buy their parent a gift. I cannot stand my ex but still every Christmas, birthday and Father’s Day I take them shopping and give them the opportunity to buy him something. And for my amusement if they choose something I know he would hate I just go with it!
All those saying its not about the ex buying presents it's about teaching the kids gift giving, then why can't she take them herself? She's an adult, she doesn't need a surprise present. How do you all think single parents with no support get on?
Exactly.
I've taken my kids shopping for mother's day/birthday/xmas gift. I even do the pretend surprised look for the kids to have a laugh.
I have far too much pride and integrity to ask my ex for a gift!
I also grew up with separated parents. Not once did our parents take us gift shopping for the other parent, we still grew up to be well rounded and thoughtful people.
It's absolutely unnecessary in my opinion.
I am a single parent with no dad in the picture at all and I disagree with you.
Wouldn’t it be a much nicer world for children if co-parents could help teach there children about caring and being generous with the other parent.
How about we take that first step and stop the them against us attitude after separation.
I gave that advice and I am single and do it myself. However her kids have 2 men in her life who are setting an example by what they do and DONT do. As his partner instead of writing in here I would take those kids shopping or better yet I would tell him to take them and teach them to treat special people special.
But she does have support, unlike you, the father is in the picture.
Why act like there isn’t a father when there is one?
She also has a new partner who is the father to her new child and step parent to her other kids, really it should be him taking the kids to get a present. That's the mother of his child and his partner, if anyone should be doing it, it should be him. Why ask your ex when you could be asking your partner?
So in two years this new man replaces dad?
Two years, I wouldn’t be using the word step dad just yet either.
In all seriousness guys, what does anyone have to gain by the issue being forced here?
Mum gets to enjoy a gift that was only purchased and given out of obligation, no real thought or care will go into it.
The kids most likely won't be arsed either way.
Dad ends up feeling weird about it all because he's quite literally had his ex wife ask him to buy her a birthday gift because her new baby daddy won't.
Meanwhile, it doesn't seem as if new baby daddy is even going to acknowledge Mum's birthday at all.
I dunno man, I just can't see how anyone can put a positive spin on that...
He is the step dad if they are married, regardless how long . If they are just partnered and not legally married, he isn't step dad .
The I positive spin is that one of these men or one or the 3 other adults parenting, stepped up.
Maybe it will only take 2 times to show the new guy up and he'll realise. She can't really make her point heard if shes telling him he's shit for not doing it, if her ex also doesn't do and her exes partner also doesnt do it.
Instead of setting the bar off the lowest behaviour, step up and do what you do for the kids, sure put the quiet word on him too to take note as this is his job now.
I'd agree with all of that if she was willing to set the bar higher for herself.
It says above that she doesn't take the kids shopping for their dad's special occasions and that she expects the OP to do that.
The double standard that everyone's missing here is really bugging me...
No, she expects her guy to do it but he won't. If her exes partner wouldn't do it, I'd say she would take her kids to buy him something.
I honestly think she's asking him to set the bar and show the new guy he's wrong by showing that other men do. It also doesnt say ex had an issue, that his partner thinks it's off, so really she's against him doing something that quite simply is positive parenting and coparenting (regardless of any other factors).
My kids love surprising me. My birthday is 100% about them
It's absolutely a dad's job to help them buy gifts for their mum. It's a parent role, not a relationship role. Ps. My parent's split when I was 2 and hated each other but still did this.
Depends - are the kids picking the present? Or is dad ?
That would decide how I would feel about it.
Kids - no problem
Dad - weird in this circumstance
Doesn’t she have a mum?? Or someone in her life that treats her well. I would never expect my ex to step up and take the kids shopping for my Mother’s Day/Birthday Present. It really is up to my partner to do this. My kids bring me home Mother’s Day presents from school. My mum also will go out and buy me something from them and my OH will buy me something too. But my ex nope. He did ring up and say happy Mother’s Day to me and I said it to his new partner. My ex had come a long way over the years since we split and his new partner has done a hell of a job helping him become a better man. I get the kids to call him on Father’s Day as he isn’t close enough for him to have them. Some years we’ve brought him presents and others we haven’t but he’s never asked me too. I actually find the asking to be the weird part.
Same here, it's not the buying gifts that is strange because plenty of people do that. It's the asking that's strange, especially when she has another partner and a child to him. Does she want the ex to buy a present on behalf of the new child too since her partner won't? Maybe she wants the ex to buy her a present on Valentine's too since the father won't. Where does it stop.
And this is why we will continue to have the evil step-mum, evil mum battle through the ages.
Gosh, the mum didn’t ask for her ex to send her flowers, sleep the night or have dinner with her. She asked her ex to take HIS children shopping.
How about we all start trying to be better people, being nicer to each other and be better co-parents, for the kids. So what if she hasn’t bought a present before, maybe now, she will or she might do it later. Maybe step mum will get sick some time so bio mum can step in.
Someone has to take the first step, to be kinder and less jumping to jealousy (because it is jealousy over the perception that your man is buying his ex a present). But while we continue to be mean and say no to stuff that is so simple and means nothing, other than taking his own kids shopping we are going to continue to have stressful co-parenting relationships and children who aren’t as happy as they could be.
Well said and you know what, the dad probably didn’t even think about it, then he has new partner in his ear, saying all this crap, ruining things with her insecurities, where there is no need to have any. This is so simple, yet made so complicated.
My partner used to buy his ex presents too and I never had a problem with it, I actually thought it was lovely especially since she never did the same for him. What I don't agree with though and I think it's what everyone else doesn't agree with, is asking him to do it. That is rude and out of place. It's really cool if someone WANTS to do this but it is definitely not something that should be pushed and expected. It's almost like she is trying to make her new man jealous for not buying her a gift because how awkward is it going to be on her birthday when her ex bought her something but he didn't. I don't think it's all roses like you all think, sounds off to me.
TBH, I find it strange she had to ask.
For the sake of a $10 gift you could all head to a cheapie shop and have a look for something little that the kids can wrap up for her. It teaches thoughtfulness, generosity and inclusiveness.
This post never ends.
We can safely say everyone has different views on this, none more right than others.
I hate to say it, but seriously in the world of blended families and coparenting, first world problems.
Have you read some of the problems on this page?
Suck it up love, seriously, don’t you have bigger things to worry about?
I know others problems shouldn’t minimise yours, but really.......
Weird and selfish
If your partner continued to take their kids to buy bio mum presents after they split then yes he should keep doing it.
I find it strange. When Stepson was younger I would help make stuff for his mum and hubby would take him shopping if he wanted to get her something but it was never ask of or expected from bio mum. We did it for Stepson
My partner takes his kids shopping for the ex (just small cheap items) and this year he even took my kids to get something for mothers day for their stepmum (once again just a small token gift). I stopped taking my kids shopping for the ex when he got his new missus but Occassionally before I had my partner I'd ask my ex to take the kids shopping if my other friend that would normally do it couldn't. I'd offer him the money and a list of ideas but it was because the kids asked and wanted to do something for me so he'd respect that. He would normally also give them money for the mothers day stall at school when I was single too.
It's for the kids not for our benefits otherwise I'd take them shopping and pick it out myself and if I didn't give him money I didn't expect anything more than a small token gift.
Also my partner didn't take my kids shopping til after about 3 years. Whereas my ex's partner moved in straight away and were married in 6 months so I figured it was her responsibility.
I find it odd that she is asking for gifts. If he was doing it off his own back, sure a couple bucks on something, or get a bunch of craft stuff for the kids to make her something. Weird that an adult is asking her kids for gifts, weird that she's asking her ex to sort it
It’s a present from the kids to her that they are too young to buy themselves. Some partners might think of it but not all so she just wants the kids to have the opportunity to give her a present on her birthday so their dad needs to facilitate that all (it’s not a present from him)
Yes you need to encourage this. This is showing your kids how to treat other people.
How they will treat you the step mum, the bio mum and future partner. It’s an awesome life lesson. Same goes on dads birthday from the ex.
It’s sad that she has to ask.
My parents separated when I was young, and even though it was a nasty bitter split, they still did the right thing by us kids and each took us shopping to buy birthday/Christmas/Mother’s and Father’s Day gifts for the other parent.
Cracking it over this and saying it should be the job of her partner - who is not your husbands children’s father - is pathetic, petty and childish. He’s not their dad, your husband is. Your husband is the one who has the responsibility to help HIS children do things like this. How sad and insecure are you that you begrudge him helping his children do something for their mother - shows what kind of character and values you have...
Eh it’s a bit weird but a bit nice 🤷♀️ My Dad or Gran (on my Dads side) would take me out to buy my Mum gifts even when my Stepmum came on the scene. In saying that, my Mum never took me shopping for my Dad but my Gran (on my Mums side) would 🤷♀️ Families are weird now that I think of it lol but from a child’s perspective there was nothing more special than giving both your parents a gift that you picked out regardless ❤️
This is very petty, let them go with her to get a gift.
Maybe even think about how shitty that feeling would be to organise your own gift because no one else will.
Why don’t you take the kids shopping so she has a couple of surprise as well
This is a bit petty, this is the mother of his children and more importantly it is showing the kids how you should behave together or not it's a lovely thing to do