Am I expecting too much?
I have a wonderful husband. He helps heaps around the house and with the kids. Doesn’t put me down or stop me doing things. But he never shows me any affection at all. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 years and there is no other physical or emotional intimacy at all. We’ve spoken about this over and over again and have been in therapy together for 6 months. He keeps changing his excuse (he is stressed, we are too busy, he doesn’t want more kids, he doesn’t need it so doesn’t think about it) but it doesn’t seem to matter what I change or do nothing changes.
I feel completely worthless. Like I’m not worthy of affection. We don’t ever hug, hold hands, kiss etc. He can actually go months without physically touching me at all. If I try to hug or sit next to him he goes stiff or moves away.
I don’t know how much longer I can live like this and am thinking of separating but I’ve been told I’m overreacting and should be thankful for all the things he does for me. That it’s selfish to ‘only care about sex’. But it’s not just about the sex. It’s the complete absence of any affection or intimacy at all. It’s like living with a flat mate who sleeps in the same bed.
23 Replies
Not selfish at all, you’ve tried to talk it out. Why waste your life with someone who refuses to love you.
It’s shit, it ruins your self esteem, you’re not selfish to want to be loved.
You’ve given him plenty of time, you’ve been patient, he has no medical issues and he refuses to talk about it.
How can you fix something he doesn’t see as broken?
Time to make arrangements, life’s too short to live like this.
Don’t stay with someone because they are not an arsehole, everything he does, he should do as a father/husband.
Good luck lovely, you’re worthy of love.
Yeah, I’d assume he wasn’t in to me anymore.
It wouldn’t be the sex, it would be the lack of everything else.
I’d assume he is staying for the kids.
Ok wait. Only caring about sex is one thing, but expecting that sex is a part of your intimate relationship is completely another. And that's for you to decide and fair enough that you would decide that it is an important part.
However the fix is not to just wait it out. It's been two whole years? Maybe see a professional to help you both through it, the discussions, but at the end it's a m mixture of patience and working towards the same end goal (so honestly discussing your expectations in a marriage) and if you both agree, taking steps to get there, for both of your happiness.
We’ve been seeing a couple psychologist for over 6 months. There is still no improvement or change. It just keeps getting deflected onto me and things I need to change. (I’m ‘too moody’ ‘speak to him like crap’ ‘yell at the kids’) when he claims I’ve gotten better at one thing there is something else that ‘makes him not want to be intimate’. He refuses to see a dr and get hormones checked just in case, refuses to get a vasectomy but claims he is refraining From sex because he doesn’t want more kids and a vasectomy or tubal litigation is the only way that won’t happen (and I’m not having a tubal litigation - especially when that can’t be the only reason. We last had sex when I fell pregnant with the youngest. So clearly the 9 months following that would’ve been safe)
So what contraception do you use?
He’s a afraid of you getting pregnant, surely that’s an easy problem to resolve?
Lots of things available aside from surgery for either of you.
Was the last child planned?
Nothing to do with contraception. If he wanted to sort it out and have sex, trust me, he would. He sounds full of excuses and honestly, quite miserable. He doesn't like much about you. Your esteem must be on the floor hearing his accusations as excuses? Time to look after yourself. I don't think he wants to bother to leave, he wants to stay but as it is, without you stop pestering him for a real relationship.
He hasn't put in to therapy so that's not going to work. He just comes up with new excuses it's wasting your time but also really harmful to you to keep going through this. If anything, cancel it and get yourself a psychologist, I bet you what they advise you individually will be very different.
You deserve more, it's going to take for you to choose to move on and find it. Unless he finds better and jumps ship or when the kids are old enough he will leave as there's no relationship between you. Don't waste your life giving to someone that doesnt give back to you equally.
I honestly can’t like this comment enough. It sounds like you know my situation exactly. Thankyou
Due to medical reasons I can’t take hormonal contraceptions such as the pill, implanon and depo. I was willing to trial the mirena (even though I have a history of ectopic pregnancies and ovarian cysts) but he claimed even that was not fool proof. Yes the baby was planned. By him. The only time he ever wanted to have sex was to conceive the baby.
So you aren’t on contraception but want to have intercourse?
I’m a bit confused?!?
Can you not read? I’ve been on contraception. He claims that contraception is unreliable.
Leave.
My ex was like this and now has a new gf who he is very affectionate with and actually helps her cook etc. He kept saying it's not me but it clearly is and I drove myself crazy trying to change for him. It won't get better. You need someone who will love you how you deserve to be loved.
I am wondering if he has always been like this or if he suddenly changed?
I am not asking that in a judgemental way. Because you deserve the kind of love that you want and if he can't fulfill it then you need to leave. But I also wouldn't thibk it was fair if you married him that way and have always known he hates physical touch and expected him to magically change one day... I doubt this is the case but i just thought I would put in a different perspective.
Definitely not the case. We used to hug every night, he used to rub my shoulders or back when I was upset and though he was never hugely affectionate (I’m not either) there was enough there to create trust and intimacy. As soon as I fell pregnant with the child he wanted that all stopped.
I don't have any solutions but I just wanted to say that I get it. I have a hubby that doesn't want it either. I admit I'm not looking my best (crazy weight gain in the past 6 years), but he's avoided it for a very long time. I haven't been this big that whole time (and while it's totally my responsibility to take care of my weight I blame rejection for some of my emotional eating!) and he's made no effort toward our physical relationship. He blamed me for a long time - after our daughter was born I wasn't keen on being physical, I suffered from anxiety badly, I'd had a c-section so a lot of things were uncomfortable and I was breastfeeding and honestly just felt touched out. He claimed I rejected him once too often so he gave up. But when I started to get back some of my groove he was having none of it. I've also considered separation and I'm still considering it. A physical relationship is very important to me; not just sex, I crave touch and closeness with my partner.
I just wanted to say there's nothing shallow about being concerned with your intimate/physical relationship with your partner. If you were both happy with the situation then it would be a different story. I wonder if there's something else going on? Could he be struggling with his sexuality? Just a thought?
I am having very similar issues with my partner and nearly separated. It takes two to make a marriage work so if he isn’t putting into action what you need to be fully happy in the relationship, you have been to counselling and he isn’t listening to their advice I’d leave. Life’s too short
I can definitely relate. I need touch and intimacy, it's just who I am. My husband isn't the same and it's always been an issue. I let it go for so long and like everyone else has said it drags you down. I totally understand that feeling. I want to feel wanted and loved, and I need that contact. However in my case I got so low and so over it apparently being my issue and not his that I ended up having an affair. I should have left before doing something so horrible. You definitely don't want to end up in that place because it's awful.
I feel like you've tried everything and it's not working. Life's too short to settle and be completely miserable. We all change over time, and maybe you guys just don't ''match' anymore.
The main point I want to get across is you are absolutely not expecting too much.
I just wanted to say, I relate to this. I sought physical comfort outside of my marriage and one of the reasons I did so was feeling rejected. I don't feel there's any justification or excuse for cheating. Let me be clear. My behaviour caused a lot of pain and hurt. But there were reasons for it and this was one of them.
I went through the same thing with my husband. In our case, it turned out he had a pituitary tumour - one of it’s symptoms is extremely low testosterone. Doctors said he probably had it for years before it was diagnosed, which made sense because he had a low sex drive when I met him and it became non-existent as the years went by. I’m so glad I was patient with him through the years because now his condition is under control and he is a changed man!
My ex husband didn't show me any intimacy but every time I left the house I would always find porn in the video player and then finally worked out where missing money would go. He was going to brothels. He did it to his second wife as well. Not saying that your husband is, but yeah . I don't believe a guy completely doesn't want to get his rocks off.
Either its medical, he's not attracted to you or he's getting it from somewhere else. Its just figuring out which one.
But I completely understand how you feel. Having no intimacy and feeling affection and loved is a really shit feeling. I used to crave it. I felt like shit with my ex husband . Now I have a wonderful husband.
Doing things around the house and being good in other avenues wont ever make you feel good and the way you are supposed to when you are loved.
Omg, my husband tries this too, no intimacy at all, I get to 2 weeks and I'm crazy, I cant live like this either, I'm not a toy, a slave or simply a mother to his children, I am a person with feelings. I need support, intimacy, and to feel that I am cared about. I have given the ultimatum, if he does not step up and be involved in all aspects of the relationship I'm out! You have sought help, you ha e tried everything. The fact that he stiffens up if you even sit by him sends red flags. Is he gay? Either way I would be making other arrangements, maybe suggest an open relationship, if he does not want to have sex, let you get your needs taken care of elsewhere, will he let you have a f@#k buddy? Shoot some of these options at him and see what his reaction is..
Good luck, I will not give my hubby that long!!
I remember your story, you’ve written about this before...
Same answers as last time, do you want to live like this forever?
Hi there,
I can completely understand how you are feeling and I’m sorry that you feel this way lovely.
Firstly, he needs to be willing to try and resolve the issue.
Let me give you a reverse perspective though - and please no haters (we are all entitled to our opinion)
In my experience .. No sex drive at all, can go months with out it.
Nothing to do with partner - love to bits.
Nothings to do with making them feel worthless / unloved - just no desire.
Just no libido whatsoever.
Have tried just getting in there but it had the reverse effect.
Before you consider ending, have a serious discussion & advise that you are feeling like you want to end it, and make some positive suggestions.
If you’ve given it all that you can - and it still does not work - then that’s the time to go.
Don’t give up on something great.
I wish you all the very best and take care x