So I am so sick of my husbands drinking tonight after 6 beers a bottle of wine and going to open second bottle I said no more. He snapped and told me that I am being selfish by going to the gym and what is the difference between him drinking excessively and me selfishly doing home excercises which is what i have to do now or when gyms reopen me going there. Its not the same thing is it? We have 2 kids 10 and 5 and im selfish by wanting to do something good for myself?
I think we may be at the end of our relationship 11 years married not sure what to do from here
Plus he smokes weed every night and a heavy smoker
12 Replies
He's done the old switcheroo on you. You feel you can't answer as he's deflected, turned it you and gone for your character. But you know it's bullshit don't you?
The important thing here is not to get into this by trying to justify or explain, keep it simple. Any moron knows they're not the same thing, do not bite. Do not give what he says any credit. It's not about you, keep on topic. Or just stop the conversation if it's idiotic.
Not even close.
That much alcohol changes your behaviour towards the negative and makes you unsafe to drive or care for kids and leaves you unable to engage in coherent thought and is time consuming, not to mention that alcohol is a depressant and increase anxiety.
Exercise is the opposite of that!
He’s a drunk. What an idiot. He’s just trying to justify his shit behaviour. He’s not going to stop until he wants to.
Gym is healthy and improves your body, alcoholism destroys it
Going to the gym/exercising is not selfish unless it’s to the detriment of the family. How often are you exercising? When are you exercising? If you are exercising constantly and not taking into account when your focus needs to be on your family, I would say that is being selfish. If it’s only half hour or an hour a day before the kids get up, or after they go to bed, or the kids get involved with the exercise with you, or at a time of day when the kids are otherwise occupied, then no that’s not selfish.
The same can be said of alcohol. One or two standard drinks a night should not have a detrimental effect on the family. Excessive drinking will affect the family.
I’m not defending his drinking but is there something else going on in his world? Is he using the weed and alcohol to feel better? Pick a calm moment and have a chat with him. I’ve lived with a narcissistic, selfish, excessive drinker; and live with an excessive drinker because he’s trying to cope with a world he struggles in and needs a bit of support. When really struggling his communication skills go to shit too and sometimes I have be the strength he hasn’t got and let him know I’m there for him. He’s trying to improve himself but it takes time as things in his past trigger him, he’s getting stronger. He knows if he’s not trying I will leave, he saw the result of what my ex’s behaviour did to me.
Ah nope. Totally not the same. He knows you are doing better than him so he’s trying to flip it and make you feel bad when he is the one with the problem obviously. Alcohol is a depressant, for as long as he’s drinking like that it’s never going to change. The fact that he smokes and drinks would put me off 100%. I’d be out quick smart. That’s me tho. Take control, stand your ground, tell him it’s unacceptable and if he doesn’t get help your gone! Ultimatum. It’ll either wake him up or he’ll not change! He’s not a good example for your kids and you need to be the one to change that.
I can see where your both coming from. His down time is drinking, your down time is fitness.
My partner is the same. Will drink out the back while I’m running around after our two kids. When ever I do anything for myself (once every couple of months) it gets turned on me - I’m a “selfish” mum for going out. I don’t go out to drink, I go out for dinners and home no later than 10, because well I’m a parent and need to parent the next day.
To be honest I don’t think either of our partners will change. What to do? I don’t know what to do either.
I’d be telling him to shape up or ship out! I’d hate for the kids to grow up and think that’s normal and the cycle being repeated of man drinks and smokes at home and woman puts up with it.
Do you boo, you’re the only person you can rely on!
Good luck!
My husband (now ex) was exactly the same. He said he wasn’t an alcoholic because he didn’t drink all day but happily polishes off 6 beers, a bottle of red wine & a few scotches every night whilst allegedly “babysitting” our children whilst I had the audacity to have a break & go to work on evening shifts !! He denied any issues & refused to see anyone. I had a severe asthma attack one night & he was not able to drive me to the hospital. That’s when things really hit home. We have been separated for 4 years now & I couldn’t be happier. No more waking on eggshells waiting for him to flip his drunken lid.
It doesn’t even compare. He is throwing it off to guilt you. Don’t fall for it. I’m at the end of my husband drinking. He is the same. I told him no more alcolhol in our home or I pack the kids up and go. He has slowed down a lot and hasn’t brought it into the house since ( 5 weeks ago) I’m sure he hides it in the car and has one or 2 at night when he goes out for a smoke but it’s better then he was. If it starts again. I am gone. It’s so depressing and not the life I want for my kids. In saying that he is a great father and provideR, works so hard and helpS me so much but the alcohol destroys it all.!
Bye bye
No respect!
And tried pushing back on you nope!
That right there's toxic and not what you deserve