I was in a relationship with a very controlling, very toxic man (sociopath) for about 14 years, we were married for half that. He was my first & only boyfriend/lover. He was a serial cheater, had a secret second family, 2 boyfriends & was secretly monitoring my every movement. He stole money from me, isolated me, even told people i was dead. He basically swallowed me whole, tortured me, sucked me dry & i escaped a hollow husk of the person I once was. I then spent months being stalked & harrassed, took a bit of my power back by divorcing him & won full custody of my daughters. Now 3 years on i'm in a much better place but i'm still "lost".
I started 2020 by telling myself that this was finally going to be the year i start doing things for myself, that i find myself & live a happy life. But the year began with the bushfires (where some close to me were directly impacted & my health suffered from all the smoke). A good friend died suddenly, rocking my shaky foundations as only death can. & then, of course, we have covid-19. I've managed to keep my very low paying part time job, for now. But i'm so frustrated with myself!
I don't know how to pick a career. I don't know how to start my life, to be the me i really want to be, when he's still in my head! I don't know how to put myself as a priority when it feels like the universe just won't give me a moment to breathe. Money doesn't make you happy but it does open up the world & gives you opportunity & experiences. I want to be the best mum i can be, to give every opportunity possible to my kids. I should be doing so much better! Be so much further along on this journey to a better life, a free life!
Do other dv survivors feel like this? Can other mums relate? When choosing a career do you go for what will make the most money or what will sustain your soul (the 2 aren't always hand in hand)? I feel stretched thin & bone deep tired already, how do i find time & energy to study?
How do i find myself? I honestly don't, when i strip all of the above away, know who i am.
1 Replies
Hi. Yes I do feel the same. Its a constant battle of making it and riding a wave that dips and crashes every now and again. And you have to take stock and realise just how far you've come and what you have even if you feel it's still not everything you wish for or want or need. Its a long road and hard work but you have got to recognise and always remind yourself what you've been through, what you're handling and juggling and how amazing you are and what you're doing and have built is.
And yes for a career it's not my first love, I graduated and hoped to be finished but went straight into more study to change course for something that works with kids. I think that's really important to compromise to be able to make it right now. And yes any compromise is just abother thing that goes on your list of negatives when you're down - but you have to reframe it to yourself - I'm working, I'm earning, my kids are in a safe house, they're stable we haven't moved in years, we have holidays and takeaway when I'm tired and buy what they need.
Stress anxiety depression will make you see the negatives in very concrete terms, but that's mindset, you can change it and you can learn ways to handle it. Nobody's life is perfect and we all wish we were further along than we are, but always remember where you've come from and be kind to yourself. Nothing changes overnight, Baby steps is all we can do.
If you really can't study now, it's ok don't overload yourself.
When you can, you can do it at the pace that suits you with the load you also have. You'll probably find once you start that you really enjoy it - the feeling of adult world, progress, challenge, mind activation and being on the road to where you want to be.