Advice please Boarding school
What are your thoughts on sending a 11 year old girl to boarding school. She has perfectly good public and private schools she can attend in her home town her mother wants to send her due to a scholarship. She hasn’t started puberty is mature but still a child (child says she wants to go but not fully convinced that her decision wasn’t influenced by the mother) Father is not comfortable and doesn’t agree with her going at 11 years old he suggested 13 would be a better but mother submitted an application behind his back without his approval.
Parents are not together mother (2 kids) has always kept the father out of the loop when it comes to joint decisions. This is obviously a huge decision and effects all aspects of his daughters life he has repeatedly explained to the mother that it is a joint parental decision. She has ignore his request to be informed and included in the decisions. This is not the first time she has done this and she purposefully goes behind his back, tells the kids yes so if he says no he looks like the bad parent which has made co-parenting difficult for the father
31 Replies
Personally it’s not a choice I’d make for my child. And can understand why you partners upset.
Who is this poster? You obviously aren’t either parent so why are you getting involved? I wouldn’t send my child to boarding school, but then again I’m replying as a parent.
Are you asking who the poster is in relation to the child and father? I don’t think that really matters it could be the grandmother of the child, partner or sister. They are just voicing his concerns and asking for advice and opinions on the situation
How dare a step parent voice concerns for their step child 😲
Step parent? None of their business .
It's not their choice to make but they are here voicing concerns on behalf of the father. There's no need to be weirdly throwing your weight around on a post like this.
This weird and irrelevant step parent witch hunt is getting really old.
The attitude step parents get here has made me never want to step into that role. They literally cannot win!
People can seek parenting advice on behalf of their spouse. We don't even know if this was written by a step parent or new partner. It could be a concerned friend/aunt or uncle/grandparent or a bloody neighbour writing in for all we know!
Get some therapy - seriously.
Step parenting is difficult so many complicated aspects and emotions involved. But essentially step parents are put into the parental role whilst children are in their partners care. I don’t know a step parent that would put their hands up and not doing anything (cook for the kids, clean up after them, help them with their home work, looks after them when they are sick ect) it comes with the role and that deserves respect and gratitude that they are caring for children that aren’t their own, it’s selfless in my opinion. Unfortunately there are horrible step parents that have no interest in the children and make things difficult. If you have a good one don’t drive them away by making them feel like they mean nothing to the children, that their view is irrelevant . Step parents can see things from different angles (third person) that’s why their opinions and views shouldn’t be brushed aside it should be welcomed.
No point really asking opinions. We don't have 11 year olds with scholarships and if we did, that would be our choice it doesn't have to be the same.
So the question is, does dad get a say and what can dad do? One thing I can think of is to move to where the school is to enable her to undertake the scholarship without needing to board. Another would be finding out how long the scholarship offer stands. Did he pluck the number 13 out of thin air? I'm just wondering how he can be kept in the loop when he's also dead set said no. If there's no open minded involvement then of course he hasn't been part of the process.
I'm thinking she is saying 13, as this is typically the start of high school.
Is that relevant to the current scholarship.
It's my understanding that the main benefit of a scholarship is to alleviate the financial burden.
So the fact that Dad put forward the suggestion of starting boarding school when she's slightly older says to me that the financial aspect is something they don't necessarily need to worry about.
I'm not trying to guess. I'm offering them ways to reflect and find real solutions. Offering to pay her full fees at age 13 might be one.
I'm in WA and boarding school can start from year 6, so a lot of farmers and rural parents send kids this age. I've not heard of it being a real problem, obviously you wouldn't send a child that wouldn't cope but if they could cope then why not? Scholarships are hard to get, she must be exceptional at something to have got it so I believe whatever that is should be nurtured. This may be her only chance, the scholarship might not be an option later. I say go for it, if it doesn't work out obviously she can come home, she won't be stuck there forever.
I think it depends on the maturity of the child. If she relies heavily on parental involvement, by this I mean to get her ready, to get her going to do things rather then being able to just do it on her own, this could make school hard for her so she will already start off not liking it.
We have just watched our step son go through high school at one of the most prestigious boarding schools in Australia, via scholarship also pushed along by mums dreams. He hit year 9 and it was a daily struggle, being picked on for being the "poor kid" because of his scholarship. Don't get me wrong he loved it for the most part, but as with any school, you can only take so much bullying.
I agree with a previous poster about the distance between the school and both parents. This also played a huge factor as neither parent was just around the corner if he wanted to come home for the weekend. In saying that they do encourage you to bring the child home every weekend for the term then gradually encourage every second week, to monthly by the end of the term.
Have you guys had a chat with the daughter to see what she thinks about it all? You can still contact her daily.
There are huge developmental and physical changes that start for girls at age 11 that’s affects them psychologically and emotionally. The fact that she will be away from home and parental support during that time would be a reason why I would delay sending my daughter to boarding school. I would want to be there to help her through that time in her life and make sure she’s comfortable within herself. Yes I could call everyday and support her that way but having other adults guide her and shape her at a very vulnerable time in her life is not something I would want for my daughter. Yes boarding school would be a great opportunity but something she would appreciate and be more prepared in every way possible at age 13. Good luck with it all
If my kids lived with their other parent and that parent decided to send our child off to boarding school without so much as consulting me and went behind my back to submit an application - I'd be furious!
I'd also be looking into how that application was submitted with only one parent's signature? My children's father and I both had to fill out and sign forms just to have our kid's enrolled into the local public primary school. I don't see how you'd be able to send a child off to boarding school without permission of one of the parents!
I guarantee if the situation was reversed and Dad just up and decided to send the child to boarding school, there would be outrage! Every comment here would be out for blood.
I think mum and dad need to sit down and discuss the pros and cons and be willing to take the best interests of the child into account.
But if that does not work, Dad probably needs to seek some legal advice if mum continues to make these big decisions and excluding him from taking part in his children's lives.
No and you're putting words in people's mouths.
This is an opportunity. He put his foot down on an opportunity. If your child excels in something would you let someone (who doesn't do the primary care and offers no alternative) put their foot down and say no, don't see where you could go with this.
There is two sides to every story. Discussion and openness investigation and compromise is what's needed. I really hope he and whoever this is congratulated the girl on the scholarship offer that's a huge accomplishment, if they soured it with negativity she would feel really hurt. That approach and support is completely beside the point of the outcome.
It says he doesn't feel comfortable with her going at age 11, why isn't he allowed to worry about her going at that age?
It also says he suggested 13 may be a better age for her to start boarding school. That suggests to me he's trying to find a compromise rather than putting his foot down completely.
Saying no indefinitely would be putting his foot down and squashing an opportunity, that is not what he's done.
I don't understand why you feel as though the mother can be completely unyielding and deceitful about it but the fathers feelings and valid concerns should be entirely disregarded?
Also, if you bothered to read my advice properly you'd have seen that I suggested that mum and dad need to discuss this based on the child's best interests - that may very well be to take the scholarship if that's genuinely what the child wants and if could cope with it but both parents should be involved in that decision.
She hasn't been deceitful. He knew she was interested. He knows she got the scholarship.
It says above that an application was submitted behind the father's back.
How is that not deceitful?
Him saying no to her even pursuing opportunity will bite him. She will be so hurt if he is nothing but mad and negative about this. It also says the conversation was had and he didn't encourage her to even apply for it. There's nothing deceitful about encouraging your child to go for an opportunity.
It could also blow up in the mums face when the child doesn’t cope with the situation. She may also feel trapped. I wonder if the child’s voice counts..
Nothing here says mums forcing her. What it means is open discussion is needed. Without blame on mum. Celebrate the opportunity she's been offered. Discuss what it means openly. Keep it on the table that you worry about her age and development, find out everything, look at all options. Explore it WITH her and you won't feel surprised and backstabbed and will be more supportive of her opportunities.
No nothing is saying that. However is an 11 year old capable of making that decision and understanding the implications of that decision. Or has she been swept up in mums excitement that she has received this scholarship. Is it about Mums ego? All valid queries. In any case Dad has the right to have some concerns without being accused of holding his daughter back.
Dad has the right the concerns.mum has the right to encourage opportunities. This poster should have more respect for others opinions than to write off everything she doesnt agree with. Coparenting is tricky, you can never really put your foot down from word dot as just as equally you can't control everything. It takes communication, less blame and sulking about the other parent.
This is a situation that is so hard. How is compromising even possible. She either goes or doesn’t.
Fundamentally though each parent has a right to express their feelings and be heard.
Scholarship or not. If a child is bright they will do well anywhere. Emotionally it is my opinion that they would like do better with family support nearby at 11.. god I was still playing with dolls!
Very bright children are at risk of falling off the wagon so to speak. That's why they are classed in the same group as kids with learning difficulties, they are seen as at risk kids who need extra help. High school is particularly difficult, a lot of people think gifted kids are a breeze and go on to become doctors but that is not true, if they don't get the right stimulation a lot of them become frustrated and bored and drop out of school early.
I agree. But surely your not saying that a boarding school is the only option to extend her...
Apart from prestige what can it offer that you can’t find locally?
I went to boarding school when I was 11, stayed until I was 16 and then went onto university. The academic part was awesome, you had to do your homework everynight etc. and it was very structured, your room had to be clean & bed made every morning. I made some good friends. Sure there were times when I hated it and wanted to go home but such is that of school really. I was at a boarding school where I got to go home every weekend though-most of the girls did which I think made it beneficial and bareable. Definitely encouraged me to be independent and money savvy.
I went to boarding school when I was 11, stayed until I was 16 and then went onto university. The academic part was awesome, you had to do your homework everynight etc. and it was very structured, your room had to be clean & bed made every morning. I made some good friends. Sure there were times when I hated it and wanted to go home but such is that of school really. I was at a boarding school where I got to go home every weekend though-most of the girls did which I think made it beneficial and bareable. Definitely encouraged me to be independent and money savvy.