Hi.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to keep it short.
Husband and I together 9 years. 2 kids. Things got really bad and toxic. Nothing physical. He used my credit card without asking. Said some awful mean things to me over n (he’d sleep with someone else if he was asked by chick nasty hurtful stuff etc) over. Always up the kids for the stupidest things. All of us on eggshells. Emotional abuse. Tried to get me to cut my family. A bit of a narcissist. I left and moved back to my sisters.( He never paid any child support. There were times he’d ask me for money. He’s very bad with money. )Things were good. Kids were happier. He eventually followed us to where we were. He hit rock bottom was very sad and depressed.
While we were apart I started seeing someone casually and got along really well. Really nice caring do anything for u kind of bloke.
Husband moves to where we live. Says he’s sorry and wants to change and try and work it out. Said he’d do counselling as couple and single. I felt sorry and sad for him. After all I did still love who he was. So I told the bloke I was seeing I needed to try with ex for me and for the kids. He backed away hurt but understood.
Fast forward a couple months. We’ve been doing couple counselling. He does seem to be a bit better. Not snapping and cracking over silly things. We try to talk out our issues instead of arguing etc. he still wastes money on stuff. Still hasn’t helped pay for any of the kids schooling or anything. It does seem like he’s trying. But I still see flashes of the old times and that worries me. Our sex life is pretty dull. He never has time or is too tired. I really enjoy sex. He rarely make me feel sexy or attractive.
Which makes me think of the new bloke I was seeing n how he made me feel so loved and sexy and wanted and I do miss him.
I don’t know what I’m asking. Just outside opinions I guess. Will we make it n sort it out or am I better off just moving on ??? I’m so confused Help!!
Edit- we are hanging out as a family. He’s really pushing for us to move back in. I don’t know what to do
9 Replies
I really hope you aren’t living with him already. This isn’t going well and you know it.
Time to end it and stop being guilted into going back. At the moment he is on his absolute best behaviour and is holding his shit in and doing a bad job of it. Over time you’ll be back to square one.
No, don’t do it! Pleaseeeeeee don’t do it!
You’re already seeing the cracks, don’t do it for your kids.
The other guy sounded awesome, shame you ruined that but I think you probably need to be single for a while, you’re still too vulnerable. I think you were just lucky the other guy was lovely.
Not a person on this earth could convince me to ever try again with my ex after his abuse. It’s a dealbreaker and if you entertain the idea again he knows he has you so won’t change or better himself. Fancy it up all you like but you are letting him back in to do you just the same again. Save yourself the trauma. And physical abuse is no worse than emotional. Make decisions with your head not your heart. Do the work until you truly believe you deserve better.
Mate, "a bit better" is as good as it's ever gonna get with this guy.
Thing's appear to have improved because he's trying to win you back, he's not trying to be a better person.
That's why you can see glimpses of the past because there's been no genuine change, it's all just a ruse to get you to move back in so things can return to how they were.
I would move on.
I would also leave the other guy alone.
Deep down you know the answer and what you should do. Be brave. It will be hard but worth it. He’s not going to change and you know that. I’ve been there. Making that first move is scary but when you look back you’ll think why didn’t I do that earlier. Trust me.
Think of the kids. Staying models to them and tells them this type of relationship is ok. Would you want your kids to eventually be in a similar relationship? Again it will be hard but show those kids that even though something is hard it’s worth fighting to be happy. Worth the fight to be treated with respect and dignity. Isn’t that worth some difficulty? Your ‘their’mum not you husbands. Be brave and strong don’t settle. You and your kids are worth more than that.
New guys sounds wonderful and like a breath of fresh air and everything you current partner isn’t. Sounds like he’d be there for you. Just remember he’s a person to. Explore that relationship if you want but decide and make the move from you hubby. Don’t string him along with a foot in both camps. But again fight for your worth. Show your kids your brave enough to be truely happy.
DO NOT MOVE BACK IN WITH HIM.. YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED WITH THE ITHER GUY.. WHAT A SHAME, YOU HAVE PROBABLY GIVEN UP SOMETHING GOOD WITH SOMEONE ELSE FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS CHANGED AND PROB WONT. OF COURSE HE TOLD YOU ALL THESE THINGS. YOU WERE HAPPY SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.!
Don’t do it... he prob realised he had it easy with you. Keep him and away and go back to seeing the other guy who respected you! Your husband is comfortable in disrespecting you & living with you. He had no one else!! You were happy with someone else, go back to that life and give your husband a miss for your kids sake. Don’t put them through it again.
I relate to this so well that I almost could have written it myself a few years ago. There are so many similarities to my own experience, it’s scary! Lol. In my situation, we decided as a couple that it was all or nothing. We sat down together, discussed what needed to change, set boundaries and then both genuinely worked on our relationship. The thing is, you both have to be 100% committed to this. It won’t be all sunshine and daisies straight away- it will take time. Likely a lot of it. He can change but he needs your patience and as much as it hurts me to say because you shouldn’t be responsible for him and his shit, your support. Since my partner and I made these decisions, we have continued to work on our relationship. It’s not always perfect but we’ve come a long way. We have built on each other and ourselves and have since gotten engaged and recently had our second baby. I hope it all works out for you :)
Noooo, exes are exes for a reason. If it was right you would be deleriously happy and not missing the other guy. You got away, don’t make a mistake going back. I know u want this for your kids but that does not make it the right decision for all of you in the long run. Do counselling on your own and they will help you cone to the right path without confusing it with guilt, hope etc