Hi Ladies,
I've been with my partner for 3 years, living together for 2. He has a 10yo son from a previous marriage, and we have him every other weekend. We don't have any other kids yet, but are hoping to add a few little ones to the family in the next few years.
My question is about housework, and how folks divvy it up - like so many of us I feel like I'm doing most of the work, but I don't know if I'm being fair... We both work full time, and generally the workload is split so that he does the outside work and I do inside stuff.
We live on an acre, so there is a fair bit to do outside - mowing, weeding, tending the vegie patch and looking after most of the animals. He breeds birds as a hobby, and they take a fair bit of time each week - cleaning cages, feeding and watering them. The vegie patch is mostly to feed the birds, I don't see much in the kitchen, but saves us money as opposed to buying from the grocer. We also have chooks and a dog that he looks after - feed and water mostly, I've taken to collecting the eggs so they get dates written on them, and the dog doesn't need walking with all the space he has to run.
I cook 6-7 nights a week including most of the cleanup, I shop for all the regular groceries, and do most of the cleaning in the house. He will occasionally load or empty the dishwasher or washing machine, and run the vacuum or pick up a few things from the shops, but doesn't do much more.
Ever since I moved into his house, it's been up to me to find places to keep my things (when I moved we had a spat when he stressed me out wanting to bin things, and ever since he prefers not to get involved), and when I bring up the workload I'm struggling with he throws this in my face - "I don't know what you expect me to do with this stuff everywhere".
I've given up on trying to talk to him about the cooking - I have tried to explain to him that I would love just one night a week that I don't have to cook AND clean, but he gets defensive and tells me I don't appreciate what he has to do. I've suggested things like swapping jobs for a week, but that was met with stubborn refusal. We eventually agreed that he would clean up after I cook, and we would make one meal a week together while he learns how to cook but neither of these have stuck for more than a few weeks.
I've tried to explain to him that I feel like a maid, cooped up in our house while he's working outside. I would be happy to contribute more outside - I would prefer to be on the ride-on for a few hours than hanging out the washing for half an hour, and I often help with big projects like mulching and fixing fences. I have to admit I've become lazy with some of the things I used to contribute to outside, but I justify that to myself by saying I don't have the time or energy to move mulch for an hour between coming home from work and cooking dinner...
Part of my problem is that I see a lot of what he does as a hobby rather than work that contributes to our lifestyle - he says he's too busy to help me in the house, but has time and energy to build new gardens which will require ongoing care. I like our yard looking nice, and am happy for him to do whatever he likes in the yard, but think there's a line between maintenance and actively pursuing his hobby.
This is the first time I've lived with a partner, so I don't know if I'm being unfair - it just seems that the amount of work I do now is nearly double what it was when I lived alone, whereas his workload has decreased in comparison...
25 Replies
Can u meal prep? Shop less each week? Make extra batch and freeze so you are not cooking every day?
This is make or break time. If you are struggling now, adding a child to the mix will be a disaster. How is he going to make time for a baby and baby things in his life if he didn’t make room for you?
It sounds like his focus is his birds and that’s ok, but that won’t magically improve when kids come on the scene.
Honestly this doesn’t sound like a successful cohabitation to me, and taking the next step will be a true disaster.
Doesn’t sound like he is a long term bet to me.
You aren’t expecting too much, you are just with a guy who will never be a true partner.
Exactly right, hobbies or not, the bare duties to run a house are still needed daily. Top hint. Sort this out before you add kids because after that you won't want to leave but your load will be unbearable if you stay.
If you don’t address this.. this will be an ongoing thing that only ends poorly!
Yep, it feels like every week there is a mum that writes in 2-4 kids further down the road I who didn’t address this issue, thought he’d change if she begged enough and didn’t see the writing on the wall at this exact moment.
Exactly! I’m so overwhelmed by the amount of women being treated like slaves in 2020
Im just going to reply to the kitchen part, I just dont understand how there's SO much for you to do inside regarding the cooking. There's only the two of you almost all the time, how can there be that much cooking and dishes? I just wash up as I go along when i cook it's so much easier. You'd be cooking for yourself anyway wouldn't you, no real increase in dishes . so what's one extra person? Are you cooking extravagant meals? If so, try to cook more simple nightly meals to be easier on yourself. Nothing wrong with eating toasted sandwiches a couple nights a week. . Or cook extra just a couple times a week and freeze the rest for the following night.
This way you you don't have to feel like a kitchen maid every night, and it will give you more time to go outside in the garden like you are wanting. Yes he has a time consuming hobby , but reading your post, hes still doing a lot of other things too. Looks pretty equal to me, I don't see him doing any less than you are . And his hobby is at home not down the pub with the boys every night .
If you're planning kids soon you will be surprised how easily you will adapt, but still keep the lines of communication open with him. Remember you've only been with him such a short time. He sounds pretty ideal to me 😊.
Stop cooking every night. Don't ask. Tell. I am cooking these nights a week and name the actual days. Tell him the night that's it's left-overs/takeaway night and tell him these remaining nights are yours. Whoever cooks does not clean up the prep. So be prepared for him to make a mess and you be cleaning it up, and don't complain about this. And on his night do not get involved.
We write a menu list each Saturday before I do the groceries and then we know the ingredients are all available. We don't have to rack our brains for meals through the week. You just pick something off the list.
Let him decide his menu items and leave him to it. Doesn't matter if it's baked beans on toast. But, do not interfere.
On his nights go and consciously work on your hobbies, go for a walk, read, put out mulch in the new garden beds.
Always thank him for cooking dinner. Again doesn't matter what was cooked or how well. He's made the effort.
Don't clean up on your nights. Just leave it as long as it takes. Might be a good idea to alternate your nights, so if he's slack on cleaning up, not doing it impacts on his dinner night ;)
Building a common interest is vital. You've moved into his house and his routine. He's making room for you but not including you, if that makes sense.
Sounds like the animals and yard are his hobby or 'down time'. If you have this in common, go and join in. Spread the mulch or help harvest for the birds. Whatever. Doesn't matter if the house waits another day. The living world doesn't wait...
You've lived together two years and not formed a common objective. This is really important. You are not work colleagues sharing jobs out to meet an objective; you are life partners sharing experiences and building a joint future. This will make or break every other facet of your relationship development. Money sharing, child rearing, domestic chore sharing...
It doesn't have to be the yard. Identify something you can enjoy together, that you both want to do and both enjoy. I suggest you don't make the future kids your common interest, one of the activities you do as a family might become the interest (eg. camping) but not the kids in themselves. You have them anyway and you don't want to live through your kids.
Good luck. We women do so much of the emotional domestic load. All the remembering and small essential but inconsequential stuff. If you don't get domestic habits/cooperation sorted now, it will never change and you'll be complaining like a broken record for the next 20 years...
Yeah I think you are honestly.
It sounds simple and like you’re running your area, he’s running his.
There can’t be THAT much when it’s just the two of you.. get takeaway, get groceries online, Buy a robovac.. simple fixes to such minor problems.
Sounds like you’re just looking to nit pick honestly.
Yeah you’re being a bit of a sook. Unless you live like a filthy animal the houses work would be minimal with only two adults living there. It actually sounds like he does most of the work and you complain about the few jobs that are left to do. I would suggest waiting a few years to have kids, if you can’t deal with and keep on top of the cleaning now and complain about it already you are going to have a very rude shock when a child is added to the mix
Also the way you have written it, it sounds like you have all your stuff spread all over the place and not “in a place”. Maybe spend a weekend and put your things away properly and it wouldn’t be so stressful.
I took that to mean he hasn’t allowed her room for her things. Like normally when someone moves in you create space for each other’s things. Sounds to me like there isn’t room for her in his home.
It sounds like they haven’t even passed the moving in together test.
I think the most telling thing here is that he's not actually made room for you. He's just sort of expected you to move in and either throw your belongings away or for you to take on the responsibility of finding space for your stuff that clearly just doesn't exist within the confines of the home.
I also think he's taking advantage of the old "women do inside, men do outside" thing. He's basically just delegated all the boring necessary shit onto you because he doesn't want to do it.
Also - to the people saying there shouldn't be that much house work!? The OP hasn't lived with a partner before so presumably she's only ever had to look after herself.
Her workload has doubled because she's now cooking, cleaning, doing washing and generally maintaining a home for two people (3 every second weekend) instead of one. She also mentions she's doing some of the outdoor work as well as working full time.
Meanwhile his workload has halved because the entire inside housework and cooking is no longer on his shoulders.
Moving in together and creating a life together means compromise and equitable contribution that both parties are happy with.
Not one person gets to do all the fun jobs they enjoy, whilst all the rest falls to the other party by default which is exactly what's happening with you guys!
I'd be making it clear that you need some space for your belongings. That may mean consolidation of both of your things, both of you may need to get rid of some things and you may need to buy some "together" things so that it feels more like home for you both rather than just "his" house.
I'd also make it clear that you want to create a more even inside/outside chore arrangement because you're not happy with things as they stand.
If there's no improvement within say 6 months, I'd be re-evaluating the relationship. As others have mentioned, this will get worse if children come along as things stand.
She describes how he does things too though. Just because its mostly outside things, doesn't mean hes not doing enough. She even says he goes to the shops and helps with laundry and the dish washer . Just because it's not every day, doesn't mean hes not helping in other ways.
So, Yes she mentions shes doing some of the out door work, but she also mentions hes doing some of the in door work as well !
And yes of course it takes things off his shoulders, and increases slightly on her if she were single before, because they are a 'team' now and things are shared, regardless if she thinks shes doing more. I don't believe she is as what they are doing around the house , load wise, is pretty normal in what she's written
This is pretty equal in my opinion. Hes doing just as much as her.
I am a single mum of one who works full time.
Dinner for two, so simple, stack dishwasher and before I had one did them as I went.
Kids make such a mess, still with only one, easy sailing but he’s now old enough now to clean his own mess, even better.
I do a load of washing mid week, a couple on the weekend.
Quick vac and mop on one day of the weekend and lawns, weeds, pool maintenance the other day.
I still watch plenty of Netflix and have a side hussle.
I don’t understand why the hell you feel chained inside with no kids and just a partner.
Two adults living together, he does outside, you do inside, not really sure what the issue is.
Whatever you do, don’t have kids, you’ll be in for a rude awakening.
My husband is a chef and still does all our cooking and dishes . He also has hobbies he does in the garage every weekend.
I do everything else.
We both work .
He would never dream of complaining about the fact that hes constantly in the kitchen . He knows I still do other things around the house . If shes this bitter now, its only gonna get worse when kids come along ..
Should have stayed single, shes not ready to share her life with others . And that's Okay, but the issues she has brought up about this relationship are literally nit picking . Thats my opinion though, and how I see it.
Poor guy. I actually feel for him.
Yeah, I thought the same.
I also wondered why it matters so much that he keeps their garden lovely but it’s a hobby.
What does it matter? Same result, a lovely garden.
This !!! Amen!
Why cook every night too?
Just the two of you, takeaway one night, make your own another night, like rolls/sandwiches, a breakfast dinner like bacon and eggs another, leftovers one night.
I’ll probably get killed for this but it’s called adulting.
Who complains about hanging out a few clothes? It takes like ten minutes.
You might find just by tweaking the status quo a little you get what you want.
We are 3 adults living together.
Ordinarily we all cook for ourselves but often one of us will check with the others if they want a family meal ie roast chook etc and we pick a day to have it.
We all do our own washing. We help each other out though, I was at work yesterday and before it started raining my washing has been bought in for me.
I do inside, partner does outside, son helps with both. Part of living together for us is cleaning up after yourself. There were times I'd throw a pair of dirty boots out in the driveway or put lolly wrappers on the bedside table (only when it became a habit to leave them lying around, put them somewhere obvious to bring attention to it) but for the most part everyone over the age of 3 is capable of tidying up after themselves.
Sort your stuff out. Put some into the shed, add a storage container to the family budget, sell shitloads and bank the money for a holiday. Or get the warm and fuzzies from giving someone who really needs it a bit of a helping hand with your old stuff.
A parent escaping DV with a handful of kids and a back pack of clothes would appreciate what doesn't fit. Whatever it takes. 2 households will never fit into one.
Cook when you want to, organise family meals every second weekend that all 3 of you prepare. BBQ is pretty easy, so is aforementioned roast chook.
Take your shoes off at the door so you don't have to vacuum as often. Get in the habit of cleaning the shower while the conditioner is in your hair, one of the best things we ever did was get rid of most of the kitchen stuff! Dishes can't breed on the bench when there's no extras. Look for clever storage ideas in the IKEA catalogue. Better storage makes it easier to clean around. Google cleaning hacks. I swear it used to take me DAYS to clean the oven, now it takes about 2 hours thanks to Fairy.
Sometimes it's just a case of working smarter instead of working harder. Give it a go for a couple of weeks and see if it feels a bit better.
Completely understand where you are coming from however mine doesn’t do the outside stuff and he freaks about all the stuff inside.(we oops I mean me, I have culled lots of stuff) I’m the same except I came to the relationship with one and he came with 2 and we moved into his house. Now I have just ended up doing it all. He does do the wash so apparently that’s a big plus and cooks the occasional dinner. 🤦♀️ Oh and yeah we had a baby too, so guess who gets all the wake ups and early mornings? Me. It’s meant to be my one sleep in day and besides me being up all night with the baby, I have had no sleep in because he just brings the baby into our room and turns the tv on and goes back to sleep. Trust me if you don’t sort it out now or come to a compromise you will be doing it all and yes I have a full time job and only took 14 week maternity leave.
Now I’m just one angry person because he just isn’t on board and it makes me question the future of our relationship.
He sounds like he is doing his fair share. I just think you are overwhelmed and bored with the same thing different day. Maybe try take away one night a week to give you a break and one day a week where he does the inside of the house and you do the outside. I get like this and my husband helps me quite a lot but I think it’s mostly because I do it day in day out and I am so over the boring repetitive house work, I also have kids so it’s pretty hectic. Fix it now because once you have kids, it’s ten times worse. You have so much more to do inside the house with kids nagging and doing everything for them, it will destroy your relationship if it isn’t fixed. It’s even harder work with kids. I think your husband enjoys being outdoors as I do so he prefers the outdoors chores as it feels like less of a chore but it’s still hard work. Try do things together. Ask him to help you cook most nights and cook and clean together. grab take away and sit down and enjoy the time out together.
These are issues that will only escalate when you add children to the mix. I do everything in the home, kids stuff and bills etc and it does get draining but I work half the hours my hubby does. Hubby does the bins but we’ve hired help for the lawns now as he does big hours and gets up really early so I try putting myself in his shoes. It’s a balancing act for each relationship. I think your partner has a huge job too if he is looking after all that he is outside. Still it doesn’t hurt for him to recognise that you are overwhelmed. I often do bulk cooking or dinners we can all eat for a couple of meals so it takes the added stress away.
I am writing anonymously so my husband doesn't see this hahaha.
But sounds like you are doing great! Set expectations high now and keep pushing him bit by bit to help, make it a slow transition and praise him like you would a small child if he does something to contribute.
You arent being too hard on him, I dont think guys need to be perfect, but I think they should be open to compromise. But when you first start living together it can be a tough transition for them as they can be stuck in their ways. Often I hear women say, it's too much work to get my partner to help, so I just do it myself, to me this is wrong and you are setting yourself up for a life time of struggle!
It's great he his hobbies and hes 100% entitled to that. But you are not his maid, I'm sure he did stuff inside the house prior to you moving in.
Considering there are only 2 adults in the house, I think it sounds pretty fair. I can’t imagine there’s much to do with just the 2 of you surely? I agree though, if someone cooks, the other one cleans/does the dishes, I don’t believe only one person has to do both. Maybe get him to wash his own clothes? And yes, like others have said, PLEASE do not have any babies yet. That’s a WHOLE New level of jobs/responsibilities.