Apparently you can’t condense a story or question down on this page without people assuming the worst in everyone and vilifying them, I will try again, and will include every detail.
My fiancé and I, have been engaged for 7 months. We had our engagement party 5 months ago. We are getting married in March of next year, of which absolutely nothing was booked until last month.
We are a blended family. I have 2 children, he has 2 children, and we have a baby together. I have always had a great relationship with his children. If us getting married was EVER mentioned by anyone prior to us actually being engaged, and his son was there, he would jump up and down saying he wanted to be the best man.
My ex and I co parent great, and they have a step mum (not married) who is great. We were never married.
My fiancé has 2 children. His ex and him do not get along. Everything goes through solicitors. There is a court order. She has been charged for assault on myself, along with many other problems. She hasn’t moved on and is apparently, still incredibly bitter that their marriage ended. The marriage ended quite a few years ago (have been divorced 6 years). We have been together 5.
When we got engaged in September, his son, who is 13, struggled with the news. We let it be. Tried to just let him accept it. We had our engagement party in late November. He refused to be in the room of the engagement party. He went home with my fiances parents, his grandparents, of which he is very close to his grandmother. She had a talk to him about it all.
2 weeks later he had a big meltdown about it.
I asked him what the issues were. And no, before everyone jumps down my throat like my original post, I didn’t directly say “what are your issues”.
I asked -
“What are your worries?”
“What do you feel or think will change?”
“What upsets you about us getting married”
“Is it because mum and dad were married once and now dad is getting married to someone else”
All those questions were met with shrugging of the shoulders.
Except the last one. Which was met with “Yeah….maybe, it just doesnt feel right for me”
I told him that was okay, understandable and valid. He asked if us getting married meant I wanted him to call him mum or did he have to, because mum has cracked it and demanded that not happen. I said that my role as a step mum is to love him, care for him and guide him when he is in our care, and that I am not here to replace his mum.
He seemed to be relatively okay after this. We didn’t discuss a wedding infront of him (we barely even discussed it between the two of us until January). The only time it was mentioned in his presence was if questions were asked of us by friends and/or family.
If that happened, he would crack the shits about it. (So to those who were telling me to have some tact, I believed I/we did). My fiances parents are excited for us, and have asked us here and there when we’ve seen them if we’ve set a date, had any ideas of where we would like to get married, things like that.
Nothing was booked until last month. Nothing at all.
We told all the kids the other night that we had set a date for March next year, and said to ALL the kids, that we would love for them to be involved in the wedding.
13 year old got his back up, and said “maybe, what would I do”
His dad, said that, he could be involved AS MUCH as he liked, or AS LITTLE as he liked, or, not at all. It was all fine, and up to him and to just have a think about it for now.
His daughter (10), was abit funny, but she was okay.
My two children (5 and 9) were excited. Asked where it will be etc. I answered their questions. Said my daughter would probably be a flower girl and if his daughter wanted to be one I would love that. His daughter got excited about that.
His son, then cracked the absolute shits, saying he was not going to accept it and the only reason he will be happy is because his dad is happy but doesnt mean he has to like it. His daughter then said it was “just a shock when we got engaged thats all”
Their dad asked them why it was a shock, considering we have been together 5 years, we live together, we are building a house, and we have had a baby together. She just said it was a shock. The conversation basically ended there.
I honestly thought, that us having a baby together, would have been the biggest/bigger adjustment. There was absolutely no issues, no jealousy, nothing, with us having a baby, their baby sister is absolutely adored by both of them and has been from the minute she was born. I really didn’t expect us getting married, which we are married now just without the legalities, lets be realistic, to be the biggest problem. (I tried to explain this to him when he opened up a little bit to me, that realistically, we are married now, we literally just don’t have a piece of paper to show for it, and it changes absolutely nothing in terms of the way of life). Especially considering for the first 2 or 3 years, he was saying he wants to be “dads best man” and now we are engaged, he hates the idea.
For those who told me to have empathy, I thought I did - I’ve told him a few times now, his feelings are valid. I have tried to talk to him to understand his feelings. Which no, I am not a professional, but I honestly thought trying to help him/show him I care about his feelings and thoughts, was the right thing to do. But as I was told on my original post, apparently it was the wrong thing to do. We have thought of ways he could be involved, big, little and everything in between if he wanted to be involved. We tried to get him into some counselling with us earlier on in the piece, his mother found out and wouldn’t hand the kids over. When his mum had a boyfriend for about a year, he didn’t like him and had problems with him, of which he opened up and spoke to me about them.
Now this is where everyone jumped down my throat on my original post - I said in my original post that I was starting to dislike him. Which, now that I think back, probably was the incorrect wording. I don’t dislike him. I love him as much as I do all the kids.
What I dislike, is how every step of the way, he has made every exciting moment for us, miserable. We have been careful in what we say, what we do, how we go about something, when it has come to our engagement and (now) upcoming wedding. At our engagement party we had arranged for him (and the other kids) to get a special gift from us. Im getting to a point of frustration, that I am not getting joy or excitement out of this very exciting time in my life (I have never been married). Im getting annoyed that when we do feel we need to tell the kids something about it, I have to prepare for his reaction, which is never positive. And I am terrified that our wedding day, is just going to be doomsday. And that if he plays up, I will hold onto that and never forgive him. Which may be wrong thinking, may be right, I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. We cant hide everything about our wedding from him, and I certainly don’t want to dump everything on him a month before it. I thought, well, we both thought, that we had approached and handled it with his kids, in the best way we could.
I would just like to enjoy this time. Is that so much to ask? Your meant to be excited and happy about planning your wedding and the lead up to it. Not dreading it or having to withhold your excitement.
What can I do? What do I do?
Thank you to the people who did offer constructive advice, I am going to try get into some counselling to give us strategies on how to deal with this.
And apologies for the novel. I originally posted a very condensed version, to which I was ridiculed for not having empathy, asking what his “issues” were, and apparently, just being a shit stepmum in general because I’m wanting this time in my life to be exciting.
14 Replies
You are going to have to be ok with him not being happy. There is very few weddings that occur without some family tension or background drama.
Any talking to the son should come from his father on this issue. He’s a teenager so big topics are best coming from the bio parent.
Teenagers aren’t the best at being rational and if mum isn’t happy, the kids are going to reflect that.
When he is an adult your step son may look back on this and think differently, but for now as illogical as it is, he harbours some deep down hope, even if he can’t express that.
I commented previously about the "issues" or "problem" words. And if you've done those things, then good on you. I was just worried he may have been feeling a little judgement for taking time to adjust.
Now it's all been done. I think the only thing that can be done, is to leave it be. You're still going to marry his Dad. You've tried to be as considerate as possible, continue to do so. Include him in things along the way. Obviously keep quiet about other things so it isn't in his face either. How often does he visit? I'm sure this would be achievable if you don't have him 100% of the time.
And I think you just need to accept that this is him. I guess it's a risk you always take when you marry into someone with "baggage, aka kids... there is always a risk of extra difficulties or the kids just simply not liking you and thats okay. It does put negativity onto something you want to be perfect, but do some personal strengthening and make it a thibg that ISNT going to ruin your special day.
It's obviously not just about you guys getting married, I'd say there's a huge culmination of lots of things.
I mean, look at what this kid has so far dealt/dealing with in his life.
1. A dysfunctional mother.
2. His parents, separation and subsequent divorce. He has likely felt affected and been shaped by whatever problems they faced in their relationship before all that too.
3. Dad starts dating, he has to get used to dad dating someone that's not his mum.
4. Then her gets a new step mum and step siblings.
5. New baby.
6. 13 year old hormones and all the typical teenaged issues.
That's not even taking into account how unstable and uncertain the world feels right now, which I think so many parents are forgetting to take into account when their kids act up at the moment.
I'd also hazard a guess that he might not actually be able to articulate what's wrong or how he's feeling because I'm getting the feeling he doesn't actually understand where this reaction has come from himself.
That's why he's getting frustrated and giving you all vague answers, because he just doesn't know!
Have you ever been in a bad mood and not really known why, then you get 100 people asking you what's wrong? That's not a pleasant experience, right?
What he's going through seems a lot like that...
I honestly think you all just need to back off a bit and let him come to terms with it in his own way, in his own time. He doesn't need to be excited about it, he doesn't even need to like it - he just has to accept that it's happening whether he likes it or not. Dad needs to pull him up if he's rude, disrespectful or deliberately belligerent and difficult during the planning process but otherwise, let him sulk and don't let his mood bring down your excitement.
As for Miss 10. She probably feels really conflicted. She obviously wants to be excited about it but she's also seeing that her brother is having a tough time with it and wanting to stand by him out of loyalty. I'm sure her mother's behaviour has influenced that as well.
They say teenage boys are easy but I do disagree, i have teenage boys a nd found that around 14 they go through a really horrible stage. You may have caught this boy while he's at this stage, all the feelings he's had in the past may have just built up, then you announce your engagement and it's the final straw for him, all the feelings that have been pushed aside in the past are coming out. Throw in all the usual stuff a 13 year old goes through, high school, friends, girls and you have a stressed, confused, grumpy young man. If it's at all possible try not to discuss the wedding with him, I don't think there's anything he would need to know in advance even if he is the best man he will not need to know months in advance what he needs to do.
Tbh you have added and ranted and the advice isn’t any different!
Your so self indulgent! We get it you need us to think you are perfect! And have handled it perfect! But your stepson isn’t having a perfect reaction for you!
You were not ridiculed it was however pointed out that you could certainly be empathetic and understanding.
It was also pointed out that simply talking and asking questions isn’t exactly going to fix this only time.
So you can choose to continue to support him and seek help with that or you can continue to whinge about how hard done by you are! Further be able to self reflect. Consider how your actions affect others.
Your pathway to marriage involves a 13year old who feels powerless and would prefer his life wasn’t changing. Learn to embrace him and be truly supportive of him and you may find his reaction changes.
Wow, I don't know how you came to that conclusion. I am just going to assume you are a bitter ex that has issues. Unlike you I won't make my nasty reply anonymous.
I agree if mum isn't happy then kids will be torn, unhappy no matter what. But we can't blame her and to be honest children can really hold onto marriage and the idea of family being their mum and dad. Him marrying someone else is a huge thing, even though nothing practically changes, it's a reminder that their idea of family is not going to happen for them. It's good that your kids are totally fine with it but that's not to say you can expect every kid to have no conflicting feelings about it. Get dad to handle it. Speak to a professional about it and help the kids through. You have the time.
Just leave him be.
You’ve told him the date, now leave him out of it for now.
What else does he need to know, it’s another year, let him, in his own time get used to the idea.
He has 12 months to get his head around it.
You signed up for a blended family, there’s going to be ups and downs and sometimes they won’t behave how you want and sometimes as the adult, you will need to modify your behaviour to put their emotional needs first.
You think having a little chat, he should be all good, but this goes much deeper.
It comes across like his pain/hurt is annoying and an inconvenience to you, stopping you from talking about the wedding 24/7.
You also put a lot of blame on him, but these are emotions he can’t control, they are quite complex.
I think professional counselling is definitely needed and hopefully they can help you see what you aren’t seeing at the moment.
Also leave the big talks to dad, if you’re the problem in his mind, he’s hardly going to open up to you about it.
Why isn’t dad taking the lead on this?
Is he as concerned as you?
Maybe dad doesn’t need him jumping from the rafters in excitement and is giving his son some space to process it all?
He's still a child, even if he's growing up. He's not going to have adult reactions to things nor will he behave like an adult. You're expecting far too much from him at this point.
Let him be. Keep wedding talk to a minimum around both of the step kids. Update them only when required. They likely feel disloyal to their mum as well, especially if she's not handling dad moving on well.
Get your husband to take him out shopping for a suit. Spend the day with him and tell your husband to talk to him and tell him how much he loves him and wants him to be in your wedding. I think you are doing all the talking and the ex prob isn’t liking it and puts things in his head. Just go along and ignore his little tantrums because the day will come and he will enjoy it. He just fears he is losing his dad and can’t probably understand that nothing really changes. Your husband needs to take charge and show how much excited he is and how much it would mean for him to have all his kids in his wedding. Tell his son than it won’t change a thing and he would be so happy for him to be in the wedding. Your husband needs to reassure him. No one is taking mums place, nothing will change.
His bio mum is probably putting things in his head. Which will be making it more difficult
Honestly he’ll get over it, he may not be happy during this time or at the wedding but that’s not your fault. Leave the big chats to dad and enjoy this time. As hard as it might be for him it’s not his day
I had a similar reaction when my dad was going to remarry. I was around 7 or so. I didn't mope, I just felt gutted. My mum had already moved on but I always held hope for them in a weird way.
I felt weird. My mum fell pregnant so quickly after my parents separated that she wasn't sure if my little brother is my full blood brother or my half brother. I had an older sister who had a different dad. My stepdad had 3 kids of his own to 2 different women but we never saw all 3 at the same time. I dont know if the older 2 (mum 1) even knew they had a little brother (mum 2) before my mum had the youngest (mum 3).
Now I was facing having ANOTHER stepbrother, who was a moody, broody b*stard. He HATED when I visited because I took my fathers attention.
To top it off, I was trying to find where I fit into this absolute mess. It felt different if Dad got married. That made his relationship a "family" in my mind. A family I was a part of 2 days a fortnight. Maybe my dad would forget about me entirely? My mum was horrible to put it lightly (as an adult I choose to have no contact with her) and I felt like I didn't fit here nor there.
It wasn't that I didn't like or approve of his fiance. It was that I already didn't know what my place was. What would that marriage mean for me? Didn't help that my mum kept filling my head with crap about how he was "moving on" from me by wanting to get married.
I hope this can help you gain some perspective on what he may be going through. It's not easy. There's no quick fix. Just try to bear in mind his anger is simply his way of expressing emotions and thoughts he doesn't know how to articulate.
Read a great reply on facebook to your post and totally agree
Its sounds like his mum is in his ear. He's feeling torn between you guys and her. She obviously still has issues about you two and the 10 year old coming out with its a shock, they aren't her words, they're her mums words.
Continue to be your nurturing, caring self, thats all you can do. Reassure him that no matter what his choice, you and his dad will never turn your back on him. Make sure he knows that you're there no matter what. Its so very important. Make him feel like he doesn't have to please everyone when he's trying so desperately to please his mum.