Can anyone share some advice?
I am close with my mother, yet I have to admit that she is somewhat possessive, controlling, manipulative.
I wouldn't say we have a toxic relationship, but then I guess it seems that way.
She really is a lovely woman. She would do anything for her family, that is clear.
For the past 10 years, we have noticed she is not switched on like she use to be, she has become somewhat lazy, yet her mind does not switch off. She is chaotic, does not stop going. I don't even know how to explain it. She is eccentric, seems to always have an issue with someone or always arguing with someone about something, extends to personal issues with family or friends.
She is always so suspicious of people and don't get me started with conspiracy theories, she will believe anything she reads and then will accuse us of being ignorant or naieve to the point that she will allow it to drive a divide between people, yet it does get resolved, eventually but she will never ever admit her wrongs.
When she is fired up, she will send message after message after mesaage. It's a tirade of mesaages that don't make sense and her logic seems to go out the window.
She had a bit of a tough childhood having to become an adult overnight and I often think this has contributed to the way she is.
She can be quite nasty, heartless and childish at times and has easily gone through her life without ever apologising and when she does it's a very half-assed, sarcastic apology. She will never allow anyone to discuss her actions with her yet if someone messes us they will not hear the end of it and are made out the be the most awful person in the world.
There's has been times where she has randomly been missing for hours and phone turned off, I'll try contacting her and when i finally get a hold of her and I question what she's doing and where she has been till 3 am she loses it. I suspect she is at the pokies. My dad isn't phased, it's like a secret.
She is more than happy to tell people what they should do or what they should be doing but she can't handle when we suggest something she does.
My father is behind her 100%, even when she is very clearly in the wrong, I am sure it is because he doesn't want to have to deal with the brunt of things. When there is a argument, he will often ring me to ask questions that he has, but i know he has been summoned by my mum to investigate and report back to her. My dad has mentioned few times to me that she is getting worse and I can see how miserable he is at times, he has hinted before that he can't do it anymore and has mentioned about being on his own. The way she speaks to him sometimes is just disgusting.
She even creates ideas in her head of what I am thinking and won't believe me otherwise. She thinks I've been brainwashed by my husbands family.
When I was engaged there was many things that were quite petty that upset her and she threatened to not come to my wedding.
I have to avoid her knowing i am visiting the I laws because she starts picking at things and making my life hell by carrying on and on. She thinks I put them on a pedestal even though I see them once a month if that. I see my mum every couple of days a week and speak every day.
I remember when I was younger, she used to talk to herself all the time. She would have deep conversations with herself. This stopped around the time I became a teenager. Thought it might be worth mentioning. My sibling reminded me of it.
We have mentioned previously about her maybe seeing someone for some help or someone to talk to and she absolutely loses it and accuses us all of being perfect and attacks us.
She is always on her phone, doesn't concentrate, she has near misses when driving, easily distracted. I refuse to let her have my child in the car which she was absolutely insulted about. When talking to her, she isn't there. She asks questions but doesn't listen to the answer and will ask the same question another 5 times and gets shitty with people when they get fed up because they are sick of answering.
I love my mum so much, it's so hard because the one person that is meant to be my best friend makes me feel so miserable. I feel lost without her yet miserable and exhausted with her actions.
I was filling out a health questionnaire for my pregnancy and one of the questions was along the lines of 'do you feel your mum was supportive of you'. I really had to stop and think about that for a moment.
I'm feeling pretty heartbroken and lost. There is so much more to this post but I can't go into it. Despite all this, she does mean well, but I'm beginning to not know who she is anymore.
I feel like all her life, she has been searching for so much more and has never been happy.
9 Replies
Maybe encourage her as often as you have to, to make an appointment to see a mental health specialist. Unless she seeks support in this way, this may never be fixed . I’d be distancing myself until then.
We must be long lost sisters, this describes my mother to a T
So I don't want to alarm you but this was exactly my nan. She had early Alzheimer's
Was just about to write maybe dementia. But agree could be mental health as well.
To be honest she sounds very mentally unwell and is probably miserable and very anxious. She needs help otherwise she may end up hurting herself or someone else.
This came up on my newsfeed but I have to comment here because my mum is on my Facebook and would see my reply.
I could have written this my self. My mother is exactly the same. Mine has suffered with mental illness as long as I can remember but never understood it till I was older. I've learnt to let it run off my back. While I'm with her I completely agree etc with her but when I leave, I leave it all behind. You can't force someone to get the help they need. My mum is on a lot of medication but as she gets older it's gotten worse and I've now accepted her for who she is. She drives me insane but I love her. I'm now seeing the same things in my sibling so what my mum has may be genetic. I'm sorry I have no advice and how I deal with it is not for everyone but please know you are not alone. Maybe get some counseling for yourself so you can deal with this in a healthy way!
Sounds like she has undiagnosed Bipolar
Sounds like my mum a little too, but she has been dealt the shit cards in the last 5years..now looking after my father who has dementia which some of these issues you have noted sound like early frontal lobe dementia.
Could do a JEO with the support of other family members and see what they say, then can get the right help whatever the outcome.
Presentation sounds like bipolar and borderline personality disorder. But at her age and your dad backing her up I doubt she would ever accept or seek help. I personally would try and distance myself for my own mental health.