Morning IMs!
So about 2 months ago I left my husband for numerous reason. But he is struggling to accept the fact that it's over. He has moved out, his paying child support, his been taken off the lease and centrelink has been updated. BUT! He constantly asks when he can come back, he comes over every afternoon to see the kids (which is great for the kids), he stays here on the weekends as his part of having the kids coz he won't have the kids where his staying. But thinks while his here we can have a "fling". But I'm most certiantly not interested!
How do you make things work after a separation with kids involved? This just doesn't feel natural to me. It still feels like we're together but his just not sleeping here 5 nights a week! One of the reasons I Separated from him was due to I never got a break from the kids, where as he got to go out 3-4 times week.
I kind of feel like we're confusing the kids with him coming over every afternoon an staying on the weekends.
I just don't know how to make things work being separated.
Any advice please ladies?
6 Replies
While he’s with the kids on the weekend at your place can you go spend a few nights at a friends house? That way you get a break and he gets to have the kids on the comfort of their own home?
Sorry I’m not sure what else to suggest otherwise. I understand it is probably confusing for the kids. But hopefully it won’t be like this forever and he is able to get himself a place where he can have the kids on the weekends without it being in your home. I like he sees the kids daily too but maybe ask him to cut it back if you find it all a little to overwhelming....offer a FaceTime chat instead?
That lack of separation must be hard on you and I agree, having been in your kids position - it is really confusing for them. It also gives the kids a bit of false hope that dad's going to move back in and everything will go back to normal. It just makes everything harder down the road.
I think I'd stop the overnight stays. There's absolutely no reason he can't spend the day with the kids, go home for the night and then come back the next day.
I'd also try and reduce afternoon visits and I'd also encourage him to actually take the kids out and do things with them, not just hanging around (I understand that's hard at the moment with all the restrictions/lock downs), even if it's just for a walk, a bike/scooter ride or something.
Then it may be time to start the mediation process and getting some proper parenting orders in place. He really needs to get himself some suitable accommodation so that he can have the kids overnight and so you can both start arranging an equitable visitation schedule.
You need some more boundaries in place.
I’d initiate mediation so you can discuss when he is allowed to visit and rules around that.
In mediation I’d set rules that he can visit on x number of afternoons a week (2 is plenty). That he needs to find somewhere to have the kids on weekends after a set date. Otherwise he won’t be able to have them. Until then I’d find somewhere else to be when he is at your place.
I’d stay with friends, my mum, anywhere that’s not there.
You are being overly nice, and you need to set really firm boundaries.
Can you find somewhere else to go at the weekends? Otherwise he's having his cake and eating it too.
Very clearly delineated boundaries. Make them clear to your ex right from the start and stick to them. It’s great that he’s coming over regularly and spending time with the children, as this is giving them a gentle transition to their new normal, which is going to be life with mum, and life with dad. It’s not life with mum and dad. You need to not be there when he is spending time with them, or better yet, he needs to take them to his place from now on because this is your home now and not his any more. He needs to stop deluding himself by trying to play happy families as it’s a subtle for of manipulation, and it uses the children which is unfair on you and them.
I went through this for a long time with my ex, and honestly thought he had moved on; he even moved a new girlfriend and her family in with him then when it failed admitted it was to make me jealous and want him back. A year later I repartnered and he lost the plot totally, necessitating an AVO.
I hope I don’t come across as too hard. Separation is difficult enough at the best of times. It’s rough finding your way. I hope you, your ex and your kids are ok, and manage to find a balance that works well for all of you.
I had this exact agreement with my ex. He use to come over and see the kids (didn't have a safe place to live.) I ended up having to tell him he is not welcome over anymore, and he needed to provide a safe environment. He would pick arguements and not respect my wishes in my own house, I felt very violated, so I had to be tough.
Took him 2 weeks to get his shit together and found a place to live. Now we are working on he cant text me every day its been 18months.