Hi, this is extremely sensitive for me. I have been seeing a guy for 3 1/2years. He beat me approx 1 1/2 years ago as he doesn't like to me talking to make friends, even female friends. He can be really nice but the majority of the time he can be controlling e.g.. ring or message every 3 hours, tell him what I've been doing, doesn't like me spending time with my kids who are young adults. Because I speak my mind at times he doesn't like it and therefore I should know my place and not talk back. He then decided the only way for us to save the relationship was to do up a contract. He as the master and me as the slave. He has stated punishments listed and it does get to the beatings, open cuts if I lie for example.
He said if I don't agree to it then to leave. I want to be happy but I'm not, haven't been for a while. We can have a good conversation one minute, the next he is interrogating me for over an hour on the phone as I haven't explained what I was doing properly enough and assumes I'm lying. I feel as though I have to lie at times as otherwise the punishment and lectures are too great and takes their toll on me, brings me down so much. He calls me a Dumb Old C, that's what my name is now he said. I told him it's hurtful, derogatory and he said that's what I deserve under the contract then maybe one day when I do everything he has said he will call me my actual name again and can be alot happier. I am just after advice please, I'm hurting, confused and it makes it harder when you actually do love someone to see things clearly. Thankyou
Needing guidance
Needing guidance
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
31 Replies
This is an abusive relationship. You know it’s abusive. You want to see the best in this guy, and you keep hoping he’ll change, but he won’t.
He will never change, because he likes things this way. He enjoys treating you like a piece of garbage, because he sees women as garbage.
You are not garbage, you deserve better, and the only way to get better is to leave. Now I know that it’s incredibly hard to leave. I know leaving and ending a relationship might seem scary, but I promise, you can do this.
It’s time to make a plan. If you can safely do so, ring 1800respect. If you can’t do that can you safely make an appointment with your GP and tell them what is happening? Do your children know what is happening to you?
I know you said you love him, but he doesn’t love you. People who love you don’t treat you this way. They don’t write punishment contracts and they don’t control who you speak to. Someone who loved you would want you to have a relationship with your kids.
This has to be a troll post surely.
Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it. Because nobody could actually be that vile. I lived a very similar life from 16- 24 because I thought it was normal. Sadly I knew no different than getting a beating for speaking my mind. If he thought I was lying he would place his finger on my pulse and see if it would get quicker. If it didn’t I was telling the truth if it did I was obviously lying. When his friends came to visit I was sent to my room. The only places I was allowed to go unsupervised was work and even then he would often sit outside and keep an eye on me. If he had a feeling that I had somehow gotten a chance to cheat he would pin me down and “examine” my vagina to make sure I hadn’t had sex. My point is, please don’t jump to the conclusion that this isn’t true. When people live these kinds of life the/we often don’t see it as abnormal or as horrible as it is from the outside
I’m a police officer and there are plenty of blokes out there like this. Sadly there are a lot of women who also stay in these type of relationships. I hope she brave enough to leave. 1800RESPECT if anyone needs to talk to someone.
What is the advice you’re looking for? That he’s never going to treat you with respect and to leave, or he loves you and you need to accept this behaviour?
He loves the control and power that he’s got.
You deserve so much more.
Every one can be really nice sometimes. Not Every one is a cunt to the ones they should love. Some are. They're abusive. They're broken. You wont fix them. You'll cop it, or you'll move on. You deserve better.
Please leave!!! You know this behaviour isn’t right. You deserve so much better I hope you realise this soon xxx.
I really hope this is a troll post, otherwise.. read this out loud to your kids. Go read it out loud to the police..
Open your eyes!
I can't read out loud to my kids as I feel so small. There is so much more I couldn't put in this post but I wish I could have.
Talk to your GP and accept any resources offered. Safely and discreetly speak with 1800 respect and prepare a safe plan to get out. Strength can’t be built until you are away from the abuse in my opinion. Take advice from professionals and put your trust in them. One foot in front of the other follow the plan. They deal with this stuff daily and are amazing with keeping you safe before during and after leaving. Wish you and the kids a safe and brighter future...
I’m so sorry he’s made you feel small, it sounds like he has a dom fantasy that he lives through you. By making you sign the contract you’re his possession but the thing with typical dom is consent and a safe way out.. which you have neither. He’s a disgustingly sick man! You honestly need to break it off, it’s scary being alone but it’s better than being scared and unhappy to this extent!
Thankyou all hey. He just wants control over everything I do and I am limited to do anything and have to tell him what I've been doing in between contacting him every 3 hours. If I don't I get lectured as to what a "slave is suppose to do. I am not happy, so extremely unhappy and lack so much confidence now more than ever 😔
I’m so sorry he’s made you feel small, it sounds like he has a dom fantasy that he lives through you. By making you sign the contract you’re his possession but the thing with typical dom is consent and a safe way out.. which you have neither. He’s a disgustingly sick man! You honestly need to break it off, it’s scary being alone but it’s better than being scared and unhappy to this extent!
He knows he can't hit me due to the DVO so I reckon this is his next option.
He knows he can't hit me due to the DVO so I reckon this is his next option.
Physical abuse is no more or less damaging that any other. My comment is one of the others, and to start with I'd typed "he's not right in the head" but thought that could be interpreted in different ways so deleted it. The fact that he understands to hit you is physical proof of what he's doing and as such avoids doing that, well puts it into he's not right in the head territory. But it's worse, he's aware of what he's doing but is doing it via emotional manipulation that leaves little physical proof and his victim in a state that doesn't recognise the danger, or the wrongness. If that contract is written and you have it, hold onto it because I reckon the cops should find it interesting. Fuck me, if I knew you the autopsy would find the fucking thing in his ass when they dig him out of a mine shaft (sorry, said I was angry for you, meant it).
Thankyou, I understand where you are coming from also. I will keep it and show them. He said to me he can't have anything held against him with the contract. He gets so angry towards me and you believe what he calls you after 3 years of it. It's just a shit situation to be in to be honest. Thankyou for your help and advice, I use to be as strong as you xx
It sounds like you don’t live with him, is that right? You don’t deserve to be treated this way, wish I could give you a hug, you are stronger than you think you are xoxo
Please leave, you deserve better!
If you continue there's an exceptionally good chance you wind up being the next face on the news as a statistic of DV.
My son is in his early 20's. This potentially puts us in the same age bracket, and my heart hurts that a woman that should be in her prime has been so devalued by someone she loves that it's made her far less than what she truly is inside.
I'm so angry for you.
It will be dangerous to leave, you will need professional advice and help but leave you must. Write yourself a journal, when he starts being "nice" and "saying all the right things" pull it out and remind yourself that he is literally the scum of the earth and not worth your time. When you think back and say "it wasn't that bad" picture how your kids are going to feel when they see your face on the news.
Your broken heart can heal and be whole again. Your confidence can be rebuilt.
They just can't happen while you have anything to do with him.
Please look into leaving this situation. The man is clearly sick in the head and gets enjoyment out of making you feel worthless. His abuse is premeditated - thinking of ways he can hurt you if you “disobey” is extreme and dangerous. What sort of a person does this??
Please realise that you do deserve better. I doubt if your children want to continue to see you in this toxic situation.
I hope since posting this you have reached out to some domestic violence agencies in your area and left.
You are better than this, even if you don’t see it.
If you haven’t left yet please go to the police station, get and AVO, change your number and email and make a fresh start where this man can’t find you.
You have to cut ALL contact or he’ll convince you to come back. Especially if there are no kids in the equation, you need to get out, now.
Tell him to stop it. If he doesn’t - leave.
If you beat your head against a brick wall and someone takes the wall away, you miss it. Not because you loved it but because it’s what is familiar. Not because it’s good for you- because it’s all you know.
You already know the answer to this question.
Tell him to stop it. If he doesn’t - leave.
If you beat your head against a brick wall and someone takes the wall away, you miss it. Not because you loved it but because it’s what is familiar. Not because it’s good for you- because it’s all you know.
You already know the answer to this question.
Are you Serious???!!! This is Ridiculous!!! Get a GRIP woman, and run away ASAP! Jeez, this really makes me mad, how and why on earth can you love this piece of sh*t, and just stay, and put up with it?! Wow, I hope you open your eyes. Get along to a police station or a womens help centre or Something, at least to get the DV brochures and information - KNOWLEDGE & EDUCATION IS KEY & will wake you up and shake you out of your foolish helplessness!
I am being tough on you cos you need a kick up the butt, to get real & look after yourself.
Wow, that was harsh and unnecessary! Domestic violence is a slow, insidious abuse on a person's sense of self. 'Get a grip' is what you should be saying about the partner who feels that it's his right to treat his partner like that.
To the OP, please reach out to the phone numbers mentioned on this post and the fb page, I think it was 1300Respect.. or DV Connect. Someone else posted about trusting the services because they do this day in, day out and I think that's a good idea. Lean on them for support. They can help you in ways you wouldn't even think of. But you will need help when leaving someone like this man. He sounds terrifyingly abusive. I'm glad you still have the contract, maybe take a photo of it and email it your adult children so there is a copy of it if he tries to destroy the real copy. You deserve much better than this. No one ever deserves to be treated like this. Wishing you all the luck you need throughout this. But please please contact some services 💕
My daughter has taken photos of it. I'm horrified by the post you commented on. It's so hard when you are in to get out. I just don't know anymore what to do. There is a new post on what happened today too. I think I am in the wrong and I am the problem. Maybe I am 😢😢😢
Is this legit?
I hate that this was 9 days ago. Please tell me you’ve left 🤦🏻♀️ Seriously... just read that all back to yourself. How can you seriously think any of that is ok???? Put your foot down. Take back your own life! You do not deserve to have him treat you like this! What an absolute piece of shit that man is. Well, I wouldn’t even call him a man. If you believe a word that comes out his mouth then more fool you. Please just leave. Not one thing he says could make you want to stay in that. You only have one life to live. Please don’t waste it.
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Hi gorgeous girl. You have found yourself in a controlling and abusive relationship. Step 1: find support around you. Friends, family and moat importantly, a councellor/psychologist. You will need help to get out if this situation. Be honest with your friends and family and syart yo formulate a safe way to leave this aituation. You can do this xxxooo best if luck.