Narcissist ex still being mentally abusive. (Sorry for the long post) What are my options. My ex and I separated 5 years ago, we have 2 children together, 9 & 7. He will not communicate, nor co-parent reasonably. 3 weeks ago he refused to bring the children home, didn't send them to school and didn't tell me until just before school pick up (got solicitors involved and they were returned) I asked him to help pay for a pair of glasses for one of our children and he came back with a massive abusive rant over it (we had a financial property settlement where he had to pay me out and refuses to help in any other way apart from what child support says he has to). He has now brought the children home late twice since, and abuses me over text Calling me stupid, ignorant etc.. He sends messages through the children and won't have an adult conversation. He forces our 9 yr old to eat meat when she has decided to be vegetarian. This weekend has broken me. We have court orders in place and he doesn't have time over Easter with them, however; he wanted to do an egg hunt for them on Sunday (only asked me Sunday morning but had discussed it with kids on the Friday before) I said sure they would also like a sleep over. I provided the vegetarian meal and all was good. Yesterday he returned them late and also with lots of questions and a few other things ge told me to shut up in front of the kids, I did tell him not to do that and at the end did tell him to stop being such a dickhead about things. Last night we had a few messages as he ruined a BRAN NEW pair of trousers and is refusing to replace them, and in the end sent me a link to a mental hospital...
How do I get him to stop being mentally abusive. We live a 5 min drive from each other so traffic is no excuse for him being late. He had an affair and broke our family up yet blames me for everything.... ( the kids are scared to say anything to him to upset him and he regularly tells them to shut up - I'm concerned about the mental abuse he is putting on them too)
Mentally abusive EX
Mentally abusive EX
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
9 Replies
Time to only communicate when it is to arrange something for the kids. Get a separate phone and only communicate via text or email and only have it on when you need to. Time to follow court orders to the letter. No extra time or extra nights. When it comes to finances unfortunately he isn't obliged to give you more that what CS has determined (sorry but that's the way it is) so I would stop asking him for more. Tell the kids that you don't take messages from Dad through them. As for meals unfortunately you can't dictate what he serves the kids - you sending meals will only aggravate the situation. If your daughter is mature enough to make that decision then she needs to have a discussion with her father about it not you.
Regardless of the reason for your marriage breakdown, it is over - you need to stop expecting anything from him. If you are concerned that he is mentally abusive to the kids then it's time to revise the visitation arrangements. Good luck.
You can’t co-parent and negotiate with an abusive ex. Im sorry, but it just never works.
Pick your battles. A pair of pants (as annoying as that is) forget about it, they just aren’t worth setting them off for.
Don’t discuss anything with him in person. Nothing should need to be discussed anymore. That means all pick-ups, drop-offs (including where and when), visits and who does what when should be included in court orders that cover everything from holidays, birthdays, Christmas and Easter. If everything is set in stone there is less reason to contact him. So, if you don’t have court orders get into mediation and pay for the mediated agreement to be put in court orders.
When it’s time for handover of the kids, don’t have a conversation. Just hi, bye, kids in the car and gone.
Consider getting a phone for rest of your life and using your old phone number just for him. That way if he is just sending abusive texts you can turn the phone off. In fact you can turn it off and put it in a drawer and check it once a day. Don’t argue with him via text. There should be nothing to discuss other than medical care. Eg x has tonsillitis so need antibiotics. If he abuses you, don’t respond.
I know it’s exhausting and frustrating but you can’t control him you can do things to make your life easier and these things over time do help.
If anyone needs the mental hospital, it’s him
We are getting one side of the story here.
I think you both need to grow the hell up.
I’m taking from this comment that you’ve never been in a relationship with a narcissist before? Or been in this similar situation? Please correct me if I’m wrong, I’d love to hear how you dealt with your abusive partner?
Totally agree with the replies above, time to cut all communication and only text when required - and make them short, sharp and shiny. No more communication through the kids, that’s unfair on them. It’s when you respond to his abusiveness that fires him up - typical narc. Just ignore the BS, keep it factual and he’ll eventually give up (believe me, it will probably happen quicker than you think!). The less you ask of him, the less abuse you’ll hear from him.
I have been through this as well, almost to the tee of what you have described and unfortunately you need to realise that you’ll never be able to co-parent with this person the way you would like to. Time to get on with your life as a single parent and make decisions that are best for you and your children. Good luck!
Only way to deal with a narcisst is stick to your court order and do not speak communicate with him. Ignore all messages unless it is strictly to do with the kids. If you have times in place then ring the police if doesn’t have them back in time. Get everything noted. Do not react it’s all he is after a reaction. Find someone else that should fix him!
Check this method out for dealing with a narcissist. I think it may be helpful for you.
https://www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
I feel like I could have written this myself. My ex is the biggest jerk out so I know how hard it must be for you. I have no advice unfortunately because I am combating it myself, but just a message to say be strong, it will eventually get better!