So ladies I’m a step mother to a beautiful 5 year old.
We are currently going through court to go get more custody because at this point we only get one night per fortnight and Tuesday for dinner.
Unfortunately nothing in the parenting orders say anything about Easter but did have something for last Christmas.
So my issue is my husband spoke to his ex and she agreed that we could have her the night before Easter until 11am Easter Sunday which we were grateful for and so excited about I had a huge Easter hunt planned for my daughter and step daughter
Now the issue is my husband got called into work at 3am this morning because one of the other guys hurt himself and couldn’t drive the truck so we txted his ex and asked her to drop the little one off to me and she has refused because he won’t be there and it’s not court ordered time.
Even though on some Saturdays and most Tuesdays I pick her up until my husband gets home and we play and the girls get to spend time together the ex has always hated this and refused to let me until she was advised by our solicitor she was contravening the court order because it says my husband or his representative which is me obviously ( she is representing herself so doesn’t really understand)
Not to mention during the fires in December I picked her up from daycare and took her to my parents because we were evacuated she was happy for us to have her the night even without my husband and in March she was happy for me to have her on a Monday night and take her to school on Tuesday morning because she was out of town.
I’m just so upset this was supposed to be our first Easter morning with her my husband may not be home till 10-11pm so cannot pick her up tonight and she apparently has plans with family tomorrow so we won’t be able to see her at all. (Yes I know we are not supposed to be gathering with family but we have no control over what she does)
What I find heartbreaking is that she said as far as she is concerned my step daughter doesn’t have extended family on my husband’s side or a sister.
As far as my family is concerned she is just another niece/granddaughter/cousin.
My parents even came to her first day of school and all award ceremonies she is just a part of our family just like anybody else.
I’m broken because it’s not court ordered time she is saying that I cannot looks after her even though I do every other week because it’s court ordered time
She has even started she knows her daughter is safe with me but I’m not her father or her relative so no. Basically I can only look after her without her father when it’s court ordered time or when it’s convenient for her.
Unfortunately my husband is an interstate truck driver so can not pick and choose when he works and when the load has to go it has to go so he has very erratic hours and days. She can’t understand that though and keeps saying he chooses to work and priorities work over visitation which is obviously not the case we try and keep things routine as possible even if my husband is not home during the times we have her I still pick her up and we have time together.
Am I a bad person for doing this
Am I overacting to not being able to have my step daughter for Easter
Is my husband’s ex in the right to not handing her daughter over to me
Thanks
Please try and be nice I’m sitting here crying right now.
I also completed understand how her mother feels waking up with no daughter on Easter Sunday I have to share my daughter with my ex on Christmas and Easter and birthdays so I know it’s hard on her but does that make it right just Because her father won’t be home to have dinner with her or put her to bed but he will be home when she wakes up in the morning
Honestly if my ex was in that situation that he had found someone that he loved and they cared for my daughter I personally wouldn’t have a problem sharing the special days with her.
Step parents
Step parents
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20 Replies
I think she's well within her rights. Why Is he only getting more time now that he has you. It's a typical pattern. And you want her instead of the mother now. Nope. Not yet. Too fast t o be playing families where has he been before you were there. And where will he go again when you're not.
To be very blunt, it's his relationship with his child that needs help and work, it has nothing to do with you. It sounds like you've taken her in and are loving her and that is wonderful, but it cannot and will not ever make up for his relationship with her. And the mother is very aware of that by now.
Anyway besides all of the circumstance ans feelings, if he's not there it's very normal that the mother would have the child, on any day but especially Easter. Don't make it a problem.
I met my now husband when the child was 12 months old 6 months after he left his daughters mother in that time she would only allow supervised visits which is understandable due to her young age. Once she hit 2 years old he wanted more visits so it went to full day visits and stayed that way until he finally took her to court 2 years ago but has always pushed for more time but she would allow more until he took her to court.
Court is a very long process
As stated he will be home when she wakes up in the morning it’s just dinner and putting to bed he won’t be home for
He loves his daughter more than anything in the world and does his absolute best to be home when she is here but as stated sometimes he just can’t be but thanks
So to clarify he's been to court and has one day a fortnight, one dinner a fortnight and no mention of arrangements for special days holidays and celebrations?
We have interim orders that don’t state anything about this year’s Easter but in our final orders all holidays have been proposed however we are not up to final orders stage yet the judge hasn’t made the final decision as yet
If he only sees this child 2 days a fortnight then his and mainly your opinion means sweet F all. If he isn’t there for hand over then he misses out. Holidays are for spending with family. It would probably help the co parenting relationship if it was all kept between the child’s parents and you took a massive step out of it.
What's this 'WE' business. It's HIS court case with HIS ex, not yours. I'm sorry, but it really is as blunt as that .
I see where your coming from.
However, she’s right.
If her father won’t be there, and Easter should be spent with mum.
Yes, your caring and that’s awesome, but custody arrangements are so Mum and dad get time with their child.
If you want more time with her, then another time would be more appropriate.
You mentioned the fires Etc and how she was happy for you to have her daughter then, totally different. Different circumstances.
I do think your being a bit petty, I know you were excited - but another time can be just as special.
As for her saying she doesn’t have extended family, whilst strange, some people are just that way. I don’t see my step aunts etc as Steps, but I also don’t see them as related.
My advice, don’t make it a big deal. The bigger you make things, the more she will dig her heels in the sand.
It’s not court ordered so no she doesn’t have to hand her Daughter over to you. She is well within her rights to say that you cannot have her
Nah, trust me, I’d probably not want to send my son to his dads house if dad wasn’t even going to be there. Of course mum wants her child with her over being with you.
It doesn’t sound like a negotiating own arrangements is working out, so it’s time to get proper agreements in place that cover all the holidays.
Hi thanks for your opinion,
Can I ask so even if it was only a couple of hours between picking up and the father getting home you wouldn’t allow it even if you knew he was safe?
We are currently in court and our proposed orders have everything included but our interim orders don’t have Easter covered
because the hardest part of separating/divorce is knowing that you are going to have less time with your own child.
It’s totally normal to want to have more time with your own child.
It’s totally normal to want to wake up with your child Easter morning.
She was being nice by negotiating this in the first place. Then to find out dad had changed his plans, would piss most people off. She could have said no and refused point blank to negotiate as its not in the orders.
From a child’s point of view, it pissed my niece and nephew off too, when they thought they were going to spend time with dad and he’d actually gone to work. You could see they were crushed.
Safety isn’t the issue here.
Why would your relationship and your families relationship be a priority to the mum?
Thank you for that perspective
I understand it’s hard on the mother as stated I have to share my daughter as well and it is really hard
I also understand that it hurts the child but it’s not like he wouldn’t be there at all and he had no choice but to go to work if the other guy hadn’t of been taken away in an ambulance he wouldn’t have been working at all today
Unfortunately if he didn’t do the job today he could have been fired and a hundred thousand baby chickens would have died waiting for Monday morning
As someone whose kids dad only have them for a few hours a fortnight, I can say that I do 100% of parenting and so if during that tiny time he wasn't even going to be there with them then no, there's absolutely no way they child needs to go. On that agreement, any time he has is basically a disruption to the child and he has a bit of a cheek to want to take them away from the house and not even be present. He should call her and say hey, I'm not goingto be home why don't YOU enjoy Easter with her and I'll pick her up for some quality time (with him) on Sunday. That would go down a hell of a lot better.
Dad can’t have her, well she stays with mum.
Comparing it to the bushfire time is ludicrous, that was about safety.
She was willing to give up time and go against court orders, she sounds reasonable and then he changes plans, which I understand isn’t his fault, but it is what it is.
She’s willing to change court orders for the father, not you.
She wasn’t going against court orders there was just nothing at all about Easter in the interim orders
Your the second person that has said about the bushfires being different
However nobody has said anything about her being happy for me to do it alone when she went on holidays for a few days while her father was at work
I’m curious what you think about that
I think it was a favour and having someone help you when you need it does not impact parenting agreements. You're not recognising that you are nothing to do with that part of it. If she knew you were going to hang it over her head she probably wouldn't have done it. Every time you send your kids off to be in someone else's care does that automatically imply you would give custody to them, no.
You are allowed to feel upset and disappointed. Completely within your right!
Obviously you love this child and wish for child to spend time with them, experience an easter morning with both children bouncing off each others excitement.
So dad couldnt do pick up but would be there for morning egg hunt? Or would he had missed all of it?
If it were just missing pick up but there in the morning that's rubbish. However, if he were not able to be there for all of it then perhaps what she has said is the right thing.
Dont hold it against yourself, sometimes this is just hard (for everyone). Whatever the case may be, just hope that the child is happy. Especially in this crazy time, if you have a job you just cant say no.
Maybe you guys can hopefully have one year on, one year off in the future with regards to special holidays.
Thank you he would definitely be home for the morning he just couldn’t do dinner or bed time he got home about 9pm I wouldn’t expect anything if he wasn’t going to be home at all
It's difficult to understand the mothers point of view unless you've been there. Obviously she has some insecurity issues. At first I was a bit funny when my kids stepmum came along. Shes good with the kids and now we have a good relationship. Ive never had to deal with the her picking up thing coz she doesnt drive but occasionally I have dropped the kids off for school holiday extra time with her or her daughters (17 and 20) before he is home from work but thats only been the last few years and weve been apart for 9 years now and my kids are 11 and 13. He will also drop kids off to my partner or pick up from my partner if he knows I'm not here.
I'm also on the other side of the equation though. I am the stepmum to my partners 2 (now 7 And 9). Weve been together 5 years.
Sometimes she's good other times her anxiety gets the better of her and although she knows I'm a good stepmum and her and I get on she has her moments still. Occasionally she is ok with me picking the boys up at dad's allotted time for the odd reason. But we try not to do it too much. So when he has to work he will leave work and run and get them at the time and drop them here and go back to work without telling her. Occassionally she has asked us to look after them on a Saturday night if she has had a wedding or funeral or something to go to and dad is at work and she's ok with them being with me then but if we ask for the same thing it's usually not worth asking for and we get them first thing in the morning when he can go pick them up or he picks them up before he works a night and leaves them with me.
She also gets funny around certain things but we are working through that and as time goes on she gets better. We had an issue with school holidays for January but we got there.
Sometimes I feel frustrated as she manipulates him and he gives in for peace and I think that's why she's more comfortable dealing with him when she wants her own way.
As for Easter he has his kids every Sunday - Wednesday so we just do easter stuff after the kids get here on Sunday morning. Could you just pick them up first thing in morning.
My kids it just depends on which weekend falls on their dads weekend and what we agree on. Easter doesn't mean much to him and I used to go away every Easter when we were together he'd come and after he never really fussed much about having them I could still go away and we'd just organise between us if I was taking kids or not. Id usually have them for easter and hed have anzac day as its a public holiday hes not at work and i had to march in the city which was hard to take kids to.
My agreements don't have anything about Easter only Xmas and mothers and fathers day coz there is no way they are waking up with their step mum on mother's day.
There is no agreement for him and his ex. At this stage although his boys have no stepfather so we still pick up at 10am on mother's day last year we offered to not pick boys up til 1pm so they could spend half the day with her and not with me which she appreciated.
Xmas alternates each year for both of us. One year Xmas eve and morning at one and Xmas night and boxing day at other.
My agreements however have a clause that as long as we can agree we can change plans to suit us at anytime but if not agreed then it is as stipulated in orders. Any permanent changes may be made in writing and signed by both of us and added to the agreement if we both agree otherwise we will need to go through mediation to change things (this way if we both agreed then we didn't have to pay to go back to court).
I actually don't understand why the majority of these responses are from women saying, nope if dad's not there then the kid should be with mum. How many times do we hear bio mum's bitch and whinge that step mum's treat your kids differently to their own, or complain about how the step mum doesn't want them around blah blah blah. If the child was to have a visit with dad, then why should that change if he gets called to work? Its not like he wont be there for the entire time. The OP said that he would be there when the child woke up in the morning. In the meantime, why not let the child have a few hours bonding time with her step mum and sister? Allowing them to build relationships with each other is a great thing. If the OP was saying I dont want his child here when he's not here, you'd all be jumping up and down calling her an evil step mum! I think this bio mum is just insecure and is being unfair.
Btw - Yes I am a bio mum who's daughter spends every other weekend at her father's house. On the occasions that he works half day Saturday's, it gives her and the step mum time to bond. I want my daughter to go to a home where she feels loved and supported. I'm secure enough in my relationship with my daughter to know that I'll never be replaced by step mum, she's just another person to love and support my daughter.