Just as I was about to head out to do the grocery shop I told hubby that our 1yo will need a nap soon, that there's sausage rolls to cook for lunch and asked him if he could vaccum. He just looked at me and said "maybe" I asked him "what?" And his response was I was piling stuff on him, how it's the long weekend and he just wants to unwind. Long story short he wakes up at 10am Mon-fri comes home between 7-8 and immediately sits down and plays games on his PC till he goes to bed around 2am. He has his own business and some weekends he'll have to work and some nights he'll be working late. Some nights he'll have dinner (very rarely with us) and some nights he'll be home to put our 5yo to bed, everyday I ask him to empty the bins, and put the big bins out once a week, that's it!! On the weekends he sleeps till 11ish (I usually wake him up then otherwise he'd sleep who knows when) he'll take his time having a shower and then will go straight to his PC and play until 2am, so a good 12 hours or so each day, give or take 1-2hrs spread over the day to eat etc. He doesn't have to mow the lawns, trim trees, wash our cars or anything outside of the house because he just won't do it and will tell me to pay someone to do it. We only go out as a family or as a couple if I organize it and then most of the time he'll be in a foul mood because he's out or he'll tell me he doesn't like crowds or he's buggered. I am happy to take care of majority ( I am a full time sahm) around the house but when I ask for help it's not fair that results in a fight because "I don't understand how buggered he is" (his words). He doesn't play with our kids unless our 5yo wants to watch him play Minecraft. Our daughter has to battle with his head phones for him to hear her. I feel like he's living the single life or he has a serious gaming addiction. Off course when I finally voiced how I'm feeling, shit hit the fan. He works so hard and is an amazing provider and I appreciate and respect that, and is the first person to help anyone, but me. I just want us to be a family, do things together and enjoy our lives. He's missing out on so much with myself and the kids and I'm getting worried that eventually it's going to result in us going our separate ways, but he just doesn't comprehend the seriousness of how much time he doesn't spend with us. I fear our kids are going to grow up saying "mum always did things with us, but dad never did"
I hope all this makes sense.
How do I save our marriage?
My marriage is in trouble
My marriage is in trouble
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
5 Replies
Mums,
I’m so sorry you feel this way men are strange creatures and can be a pain to get them to do thing they don’t want to do.unfortunately I don’t have much in the way of advice other than Have you tried starting a conversation by telling him how much you appreciate how hard he works for your little family and how much he means to you.
Then maybe broach the subject of putting away the game console for 1 hour a night to be together as and ask if it would be ok to do something fun as a family once a month that way at least you can have family time. And maybe ask if he will give you 2 hours a day on the weekend to help you catch up on some stuff or to run errands
It certainly sounds like an addiction to me and maybe starting small will help
Hugs oxoxox
I have 2 male friends I’ve known since childhood who are like this.
What I can tell you about them is, they genuinely believe it’s not there job to do anything more, because that’s how they are raised, they also don’t get that engaging in family life, with there kids etc is something they need to do. Because apparently it’s someone else’s job.
They are also two of the most oblivious people I know, because they didn’t see there divorces coming, and they still don’t know why they are divorced, because they didn’t listen. There now ex wives tied themselves up in knots getting them to engage in family time and life. Eventually those lovely ladies wore themselves out, and gave up (rightly so).
I really hope you get your husband to wake up to himself. He is missing out on so much of yours and your children’s lives. I’d make sure that even if he doesn’t want to engage in activities as a family that you still do what you would like with the children. Don’t wait for him, and don’t let him make your outings miserable.
I’m currently going through something similar and it’s not easy.
I’ve just started having fun without him and knowing it’s his choice to miss out.
Wow I am almost speechless, does he acknowledge at all that it is so not normal or ok to spend all his time at home sleeping or gaming? You need to get some time alone with him when kids aren’t there or asleep and have a serious chat about how this affects you and the kids. Use the words ‘I feel’ so it’s not too confrontational but make it clear that if things keep going he will lose his wife and life as part of a family (because you will be forced to leave him). Tell him you need counselling and so does he (or marriage counselling). Tell him that his lack of engagement with family life and the amount he games cannot go on and he needs to decide what he wants and get help to do it. Ask him to take a day or two to think about it and you will talk about it when he has processed and thought about where his commitment is. Just providing financially is not enough. The kids and you need love and quality time so much more. If he won’t engage, discuss or accept there is a problem then you have to be strong and make a decision for your and the kids happiness. This is terrible role modelling and parenting and they deserve better. Splitting up may make him realise what he’s lost and make him step up as a dad when he has to engage with the kids by himself, but at any rate this can’t go on and if it’s never going to change you are better off not giving up your life to this and regretting it. Marriage to a man-child will bleed you dry. It’s shape up or ship out time and if it’s depression or something else he has to get help and change or it’s over. What you have described is not a partnership or marriage and he’s causing trauma to the kids and you can’t let that continue. Hugs and luck, be strong! Xo
Suggest in the strongest terms if he cannot cope with life being self employed, which is what his drama of downtime infers, he should immediately take the load off by getting a regular job thus freeing up his evenings and weekends to participate in family life. This behaviour which he chooses to undertake because it is fun for him is incompatible with your needs. He is saying 'you dont meet my needs, I am so important, I am checking out now'. How much money he brings home is irrelevant. All he is providing is money and that is one tiny facet of family life.