Im struggling to know if I can ever move forward with my husband. We’ve been separated over 12 months but trying to resolve things whilst living separate.
One of my biggest issues is his lying. I live like an open book, he can ask me anything, I don’t care if you want to look through my phone, have me in find my friends etc. I have NOTHING to hide from him (except maybe an odd gift here or there). On the other hand he lies, covers up, has opened seperate bank accounts, email, won’t let anyone look at his phone.
Are we just different? I understand the lying is wrong but putting that aside all the other stuff - does anyone do that? Is that just how some like to operate?
Open& closed book
Open& closed book
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
13 Replies
The phone for me isn’t an issue. I don’t want to look in my partners phone and I think it’s normal to have some privacy in a relationship. I think if your NEED to look in someone’s phone there is a bigger issue going on.
Same as the separate bank accounts. Separate accounts can be perfectly normal in some relationships.
It sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page at all though and you have very different expectations. And maybe that’s the issue or maybe your partner has lied about some really serious shit and you are right to be suspicious, these really isn’t enough info in this post so that I can understand.
Absolutely not on the same page and I recognise this. I suppose my question is can two people with polar opposite levels of openness have a healthy relationship?
And I should clarify - the email, we’ve always had seperate accounts. Not an issue. I mean a seperate secret account (well he thinks it’s secret).
I wouldn’t know how many email accounts my partner has and vice versa.
I mean it’s not like we contact each other via email anyway. I mean it’s email, why would I need to know?
I mean I’ve probably got quite a few accounts for various reasons. Some used more actively than others. I find it easier to have separate accounts for work, government departments and subscriptions etc.
Privacy and personal autonomy are pretty basic rights within a relationship.
If my partner picked up my phone and started looking through it or expressed a desire to look through it - we'd have one hell of a problem!
I have nothing to hide but I do have quite a bit that I'd like to remain private.
Phone tracking apps? Shit, he'd be out the door...
Our bills and expenses are handles equitably but we still have our own separate bank accounts.
We most certainly have separate emails and other social media accounts - I straight up won't even interact with friends through their joint email/social media accounts.
I'll be frank - I couldn't be in a relationship with someone if they expected me to be your definition of an "open book".
I'm extremely private, introverted and fiercely independent. I still very much need to be my own person.
You've got some trust issues in your relationship I think.
His lying and covering up may very well stem from deceit OR it may stem from the fact that he has little to no room to move as an individual.
Just have a think about that.
Thanks for your reply. I really did want to hear from people like yourself (unlike me) who are more introverted and closed. I appreciate your feedback
My husband and I are an open book. Everything is shared between us. If you want to be that way, and he doesnt then unfortunately I think you'll run into nothing but problems.
Is he lying and covering up or is that how it feels to you because he's not being how you want? Answer honestly.
I go where I want when I want governed by our mutual relationship boundaries and my own personal morals. My partner doesn't need to know everywhere I stop on the way, where I eat, which dunnies I use. I text when I'm leaving and when I get there, when I leave to come home and if he's not there when I get home. He's the same.
We've always had separate bank accounts. Together 24 years and our only joint bank acc is one tied to the mortgage.
We have separate FB, we're not even FB friends.
We both have separate emails, that's pretty standard. I have 3, he has 1.
I can use his phone if I asked and I know the password because if he's bluetoothed to the stereo I need it to operate his Spotify but honestly I usually just boot him and connect my own. He can use my phone if he wants and knows the password (although I'm nervous, it's an exxy phone and tech often dies in his hands), I have an extra password to access my work emails to maintain professional confidentiality.
I carry my phone everywhere but that's because I have the ringtone turned up really loud to make sure I don't miss calls from work and want to answer straight away so it doesn't annoy my fam. Not because I'm trying to hide anything.
It's going to take a difficult conversation to get to the bottom of it. Don't attack, you don't know enough to gauge if he's being dishonest just yet. He may well be feeling like he's losing a sense of self and in a knee jerk reaction is going a bit too far with it.
He’s definitely lying and covering up (been caught out in dating sites, lying about or leaving out information when asking me advice). Lies always come out in the wash sooner or later. I just want him to be himself but he says he’s too embarrassed, too ashamed, too afraid of what his family will think. So he lies, hides and manipulatestoget out of being uncomfortable.
Definitely because of the repeated deceit I’m now on high alert but my nature is to forgive quickly and move on so I think I land myself back in the thick pretty fast.
You have serious reasons to have suspicions and he can’t provide you the security and reassurance you need and probably deserve since he has been caught out on dating sites.
It sounds like this relationship has run its course.
I agree, this much more incriminating information and admitting it out loud should help it seem clearer in your head. Our level of personal independence is what works for us but like I said, we still abide by our mutual personal values which are a pretty high standard.
Fuck how embarrassing he thinks it is, it's his behaviour to live with his consequences. Life is too short to live yours under his cloud.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head for me “We still abide by our mutual personal values”. Maybe it’s not our levels of openness but our personal values that are mismatched. I’m open because that behaviour is not who I am or want to be. Thank you. I really value this feedback
YW. I know that hard conversation just got a bloody lot harder but you've got to do it or you'll end up a wreck.
I know you said you're very forgiving and willing to move through these issues previously but be aware he'll say what he thinks you want to hear to make you stay again and he may even mean some of it but without a catalyst there's no incentive for him to follow through because you always forgive.
It's time to be a bit of a hard ass. Let him say all the pretty things he wants but before you seriously entertain the idea of continuing your life with him make him prove he can be open and honest with you - otherwise you're just throwing more time at problem that he doesn't want to work on.
In my absolute unprofessional and untrained opinion I'd be tackling this as separated so he can focus on what he needs to do and you can get a start on moving forward, put the ball back in his court as to whether he wants to do the work to win you back and if he doesn't manage it, that's not because you're not worth it but because he's shown time and time again he's a lazy sod that CBF fixing relationship issues to keep a good woman happy.
If he lies, you can't trust him. What sort of a relationship can you have?