Please give me your opinion on this
We have been together for 3.5 years.
Last year he bought his grandmothers house which came with a fair bit of land. We have cattle on the property for about two years.
Sometimes im working together with his sisters. And its really frustrating to hear things sometimes that i have never heard of.
For instance he told his sister that he is going to have a fijian worker live in our spare room once its built. And i was like.... Ummm wasnt that meant to be for our baby? Like i just feel like im standing in the dark.
Then he said to his sister that she can have some cattle on the land, she also told me that and i just feel again like he has never even mentioned anything? Like i buy all the products that our cattle need, and i will always have to treat all of them, so i think i could at least kind of be talked to about it? His point is that he contributes by giving the land (rates, insurance etc that i dont pay) and he doesnt need my apprival when it comes to decisions with the farm.
He said a decision isnt made it was just a idea with the accomadation thing and the farm doesnt concern me, because its his family farm and this deal with his sister doesnt ibvolve me so i should simply stay out of it
Im not talking about giving approval i just simply want to know whats happening because i feel like i find out all these things by surprise and i feel uneasy about it
He doesnt understand me at all. Saying im being posessive and shouldnt always need to know everything, if its important and involves me he will let me know.
I feel so hurt. I dont have any financial string attached to his property, and i dont want to keep it but i feel like a kick in the guts to be told 'its my farm i dont need to consult ypu'. Isnt that what couples do? I feel so hurt, mind you, its happening all the time that i hear things and he will always say 'was only talking about it, jot a decision so i dont need to tell you'
I feel not understood at all. I commit in every way and i feel like he is not. We dont have kids and arent married yet, but for the marriage, he wants a prin up. I sort of agreed with it at first because i would never take his land anyway and i have been stung by an ex partner wanting to take my properties but i also feel kind of...everything is seperated? He said he doesnt ask for a share in my investment properties that i own for years, so why should i.
Again i dont want anything but i feel like im boarding, i invest my money in renovations and he will always say that hr did the same and i live rent free.... Im just really upset
15 Replies
That annoys me too. Even if its his farm its still your home, if he can speak to your sisters about these things then he can speak to you about it too as those decisions affect you. Does he pay you for the work you do with the cattle? If you're not financially involved with the property you have every right to be paid for what you do. Don't give him free labour especially since he's treating you as a boarder not a partner.
He is also doing a lot of work on the farm and we aplit the profit so i dont have a problem with that. Its just true that i feel like a boarder sonetimes
Then make it clear you won't be working with his sisters cattle without pay. My bil leases a bit of land off a farmer so he can have a mob of sheep, they are separated from the farmers sheep and are completely his responsibility. Your husband needs to make sure he has an agreement in place that ensures she cares for her own stock or pays someone to do it. You shouldn't be doing all the work for her to make an easy profit.
Make him pay half of the things you buy for the cattle too. This should really be coming out of the profit. It might be a good idea if you see an accountant and get something drawn up that is fair? Or a lawyer? The way it's being described sounds like you're being ripped off. The mortgage and rates have nothing to do with you so he shouldn't be using that as a reason for you paying for everything else.
This is a big red flag waving in your face!
Are you pregnant? Do you have kids? It’s time to be extremely concerned as he isn’t treating you like you are part of the team. He’s treating you like a girlfriend he has been with for a short period of time.
It’s a normal part of planning/sharing and communicating to discuss these things and he is kidding himself if he thinks that the farm has nothing to do with you! That’s total bullcrap, because you are clearly contributing and a lot of this.
When someone acts this way it tells me they aren’t ready for a serious relationship because they don’t see you as part of there team, you aren’t considered family, you are an outsider.
Stop investing any money into the HIS property..
I agree that this is a RED FLAG... Your creating a life together at somewhere that should merge. But things that affect your life in your home - need to be discussed with you and certainly run by you. you are for all intents and purposes a tenant. You pay rent and there for have rights.
Stop paying for cattle stuff.. Go halves. If he wants a pure business arrangement then thats what he gets.. everything is halved.
If you have your own properties I think you should move out. He obviously is not ready to have a live in partner. Tell him when you're both on the same page you will reconsider living together. Stop spending money on his investments.
My partner and I run his family farm. We discuss everything. I do not contribute financially to the farm at all. I work on the farm to “earn my keep” but I do not earn a living on the farm. If he needs a hand I help him. I cook, I clean and we share the parenting role. I benefit from the farm more than I put in. However once our children are in full time school. I will learn to drive tractors and do all the things he does. If it’s his farm and he can do what he likes without consulting you then he needs to start paying for everything to do with the farm and you do not contribute financially to anything but the running of the house hold. You are either in a partner ship or you aren’t. My partner doesn’t consult me for the major things but he does answer my questions. Remember if he owns it, once you are considered a defacto couple and have lived together more than a certain period of time what’s his is yours and yours is his. If he isn’t going to be a partner and treat you with respect if push comes to shove he’ll have to pay you out and you can move on.
For us it's one of those things that if it doesn't alter anything for the other person we don't consult beforehand.
I don't ask if I can go to a concert, or see if he's ok with me going. I buy a ticket and say I'm going. I didn't consult him when I bought a new car, choose a new fridge or picked a new stereo.
He didn't need to consult me for either of his cars, or the boat, or the trailer.
For stuff like that we've got it covered individually. But we tell the other person! "Hey, I got a new car and need to pick it up Saturday, can I get a lift?", "Don't run into the tinny behind the garden shed" kinda thing.
I agree with some of the others, he wants a business relationship then as an "investor" get your business side of things covered in writing including the financial contribution of all parties, labour contribution and taking joint costs (or equal percentages of) out of profits. After that, treat the business and personal relationships separately.
You compare going to a concert to buying a car or boat, fascinating.
From your post, all I can say is, if you don’t need discussions around these types of purchases, you must be financially blessed.
I’m sure you both work hard for it too, congrats.
That’s exactly what I was going to say.... buying a new car when in a relationship without having to talk about how it will financially impact the both of you means you’re in a rather well off position. From reading OP’s post she is not in the same position.
We're not so much well off, it's more that we do both work hard and once our joint expenses are paid we use what's left for personal expenses. Once I'd paid off my car and private tuition I had enough disposable income that could be used to service a loan to upgrade to a car that can tow a camper which was the goal I'd been saving for for 4 years.
The point was though that it's a decision I was capable making, and I did let him know that I had done so.
The difference for the OP is that he is excluding her in decisions that will impact her and as such really should safeguard herself by entering into a structured business arrangement if he won't be transparent.
A lot of us work hard, you obviously live in a different world to a lot of us where buying cars, boats, trailers, fridges doesn’t effect the family budget in any way and thus doesn’t even require a comversation. That’s awesome, but a bit foreign to a lot of us.
Don’t run into the tinny....lol
If you feel like a boarder then you probably are. He sounds like a selfish kid. He also sounds like he is all talk and he is probably just bragging to his sister and that is it. I would pack my stuff and leave for a few days and see how he reacts, show him you won’t put up with it. You are a couple. If not get out now while you aren’t married or have kids.!
Honestly I think the pre nup will be pretty useless on his part. They are very easy to override in Australia. No court is going to look at the fact that you are contributing to the farm by working and maintaining and not add it to the property pool. Also I grew up with a family of farmers. My mother and grandmother were not involved in the farm but we're signatories on the account. I couldn't believe that they would just sign any document and not even think about the potential liability they were putting themselves in. Then my parents divorced and everyone was annoyed that my dad had to pay her out her share. Well, he shouldn't have put her as a signatory on the farm. Anyway, I grew up in a family where the men made all the decisions and the women were to keep quiet and raise the kids. I notice this mentality a lot in the farming community. You really need to consider if this is the life that you want. Good luck xo