I was raised in an extremely conservative cult, sex was never discussed, women were expected to cover up at all times and men were expected to practice custody of the eyes (not looking at attractive woman or images so as to not give in to sexual urges outside of your marriage) sex and masturbation were reserved solely for the married state.
Fast forward to age 30 and I have left this cult, and am having difficulty (didn’t see that one coming haha) in my relationship with a strong minded, intelligent guy, who is very anti-religious. We have had our struggles (!) but have overcome them all with time and good communication. I am still stuck on this one thing, porn and the objectification of women. He was fully aware of this from the time we met, we spoke at length about my childhood and experience with sex. He told me he didn’t need porn, and used it rarely as he preferred an organic approach. Have learnt with time this is false. He loves porn and really struggles with not watching it to the point where he simply cannot give it up. I don’t know if it’s an addiction but he says he can’t go more than about three weeks without “having” to use it. I have always hated it but have been becoming less averted to its use through some rationale and study. I have a whole bunch of weird feelings that emerge anytime I try to watch it, and it’s never fun for me so I can’t use it for pleasure.
I’m trying to learn about it, to understand myself better and figure out a way to compromise so we can have a happy healthy sex life, I’ve been reading up on it’s use and on women who use it and on porn actors and reading their testimonies. But I still feel so hurt every time I find he has been using it.
He started accessing cam girls last year I discovered it on his phone as he’s always been so easy with my using his phone and he didn’t close the apps one day. I was devastated and felt cheated on with this discovery and he said he felt it was the same thing as porn and didn’t think it would be such an issue.
At the time I found those apps on his phone, we were doing really well, both working full time, happy, always had fun weekend plans or were cool to just chill at home and spend time together.
We talk alllll the time, about everything, we communicate very well. We were having sex two or three times a week, good sex, great sex, not boring or mediocre or passionless sex. But as it turns out it wasn’t enough for him and when he got laid off work for an injury he started looking for more sexual experiences than I was giving him. I was maxed out with work, very early mornings, 4am starts so getting up at 3.30am, working three jobs every day and finishing up around 6-6.30pm. I couldn’t do more sex than I was, I was so exhausted all the time, but life was great and the energy was high and it was working! We seemed to be doing so well. And then I found the apps and everything turned over, I became riddled with anxiety and so paranoid, every time I left the house at 3.45am I’d be at work imaging that he was in bed, scrolling through all the options at his fingertips to jerk off to. I lost my mojo completely and started messing up at work, I ended up quitting at one job I couldn’t handle the stress, and just focused on two jobs to try and support us as he wasn’t working for his injury. He promised to stop the porn and the cam girls and to never seek sex outside of ‘us’ again. But he didn’t stop the porn, at all. He says he can’t get past the urge, it’s always going to be there, he’s always going to want to watch women get pleasured and cum and he wants to cum watching that and I don’t give it to him enough. He wants it every day or every other day. I am still working, he’s still Not working, it’s been ten months and his injury is healed and he’s making steps to get back into work but, I’m still devastated by the porn and feel like a scab is ripped off a healing wound every time it happens.
Feeling betrayed by him made me not want to give him sex, but I stepped over those feelings at the time and tried to understand this all from his perspective. He says I am not sexual enough, that I don’t enjoy stripping or teasing him, and he needs the visual aspect and can sense that I’m not into it. So I can see I play a role here, but I resent him telling me how to improve myself and that I need to developer further. His attitude towards me and me sexuality makes me feel like I’m not quite good enough for him to love me fully just yet, so I need to keep working at it. And leaves me feeling cold and resentful, and the sex is getting worse because of this.
How does one overcome these feelings of betrayal? Am I justified in feeling this betrayed? How does one accept porn use in their partner? How do I not feel so hurt every time? Why can he not give it up? Why do I need to have sex every single day just to keep him away from looking at all of the available nude women pleasuring themselves? Omg. Why is it such an issue for me that he wants to look at other women? So many things I’m struggling with right now. Is he just the wrong kind man for my personality and history? Am I the wrong woman for him?? Am I too stuck in my past? Is he being a disrespectful jerk or just getting his needs met and trying not to hurt me by hiding it? He hides it, and then lies about it, but eventually it comes out in the wash, I’m not pestering him with paranoia everyday at ALL, but I’ve caught him out on numerous lies now that I have trouble trusting what he tells me, and this just adds to the mess. Confusion reigns in my heart right now and if anyone has any experience with anything like this in their life or relationships, I’d love to hear the feedback. What can I do better here? I’m ready to give him the ultimatum but that’s feels silly and also an extreme I don’t want to go to. I feel like an effort could be made on Both sides to make this work and for both our needs to be met without hurting each other in the process, but I’m struggling to really get there and figure out what needs to be done. He’s cooperative and wants us to be better but really struggles at the idea of giving up porn completely.
Huge read, thanks for making it this far!!
16 Replies
I think quite simply you need counseling.
Porn is relatively normal, but if you don’t accept it- then you need to work through your acceptance and leave or you focus on changing your mind set.
He’s made it clear he wants to watch porn - and that’s his right as a human.
You don’t get to make ultimatums- he’s already shown you he will lie about it anyway.
I would not accept his behaviour.
He’s getting it at home regularly, why does he need to seek the sexual urge elsewhere. To me this is a form of cheating. I would be saying choose me or your porn.
Porn might be normal for some people but for you its not. Cam girls are a step above just watching porn and would probably upset most women even if they don't care about porn. I also think he could have an addiction. I wouldn't be with someone who was doing something I hated every day, especially if that something also made me feel unworthy. You will get a lot of comments saying porn is normal and you're the problem but I don't agree. Just because it's ok in other relationships it doesn't have to mean you force yourself to accept it, that will not end well for you.
If you're not ok with him watching porn I would suggest you think about an alternative way he can deal with his higher sex drive because from what you have written it sounds like his is definitely higher than yours (which is totally ok) and isn't fulfilled with 2 or 3 times a week. It also sounds like he has some fetish's that you aren't comfortable with so he is using porn/can girls as a way of dealing with it. That doesn't necessarily mean I agree with it but it might be a bit more difficult than him just not doing it. If it is an addiction than like any other addiction it is unlikely that he'll just stop (even with an ultimatum) and will require help to do so. I think both of you need to seek professional help both separately and together.
Why does she need to be responsible for fulfilling his higher sex drive? It is possible to wank without porn.
I didn't say she should be responsible but if she expects him to change I think she should be considering alternative options. I think it is ridiculous that it's ok for women on here to have a higher sex drive and access porn and sex toys to deal with it and their partners are just expected to deal with it but because she grew up in a cult he is the one that has to change and can't have sexual interests outside of basic sex like anyone else may have. Yes he shouldn't be lying but I think it's better that he's using porn/cam girls and his own hand than going out and looking for it elsewhere.
Original poster here! Thanks for the feedback :) You sound like maybe you have some advice on options I could work on as alternatives to porn?
Yes I grew up in a cult. Does not mean I’m incapable of independent thought or that my feelings are solely a result of that experience. I am my own person too, and he has expected changes from me, changes which happened over time and he keeps pushing for more. He expects me to change solely for him, now. He expects me to change and accept his regular use of porn. Why is that more ok than My expecting him to be respectful of my boundaries, boundaries that he was aware from the very beginning of us and which he was not quite honest to me about. (I already asked him that question, and now we are in discussions on porn alternatives) I’m am eager to help him out here. I’m not interested in compromise that only benefits one party, I am however, really interested in alternatives that may be less hurtful to me and can help him get the release he’s looking for. So help a girl out! Got any specific activities/toys for him/things in mind? Anything that has worked for you? Would love to hear them all.
I personally think you’re flogging a dead horse.
You guys aren’t compatible, it shouldn’t be this hard.
I’m assuming you don’t have kids yet?
That makes the pressure cooker rise 100 degrees.
Yes try the alternatives but also only what you are comfortable with. Don’t do anything just to keep him happy. You have feelings and emotions too. He sounds like he is selfish and lacks respect for you.
Besides the whole porn issue he is being a selfish pig .. not owning his addiction as he clearly has one .. theres porn use then theres the she is not sexual enough I'd get rid of him, my ex was the same and it got worse eventually they believe their own lies in their head they cheat as they need more he needs help and get his ass in gear and stop sponging off you .. he is using you and clearly has no respect. My new partner likes porn but sure as hell doesnt watch it when I'm about I couldnt Care less but what he is doing is projecting his shitty behaviour on you it's wrong and he knows it he sounds like he is still a kid and has not matured .. cut him loose before you loose your mind .. many men out there who will respect you.. I mean 10 months sitting at home watching porn looser sorry
First off, I am fine with porn in my relationship. But i also know my husband would respect me if I wasn't ok with it. I have some boundries though, cam girls is definitely a no deal, it feels to personal. And also that its mainstream porn, as I worry about the amount of sex trafficking in porn.
And my husband 100% respects that.
Secondly plenty of women dont want porn in their relationship and dont have the same upbringing as you, I feel like he may have manipulated you into thinking that's why you are against it? Would that be correct?
Sounds like you have done alot to alter your thinking, which is good to some extent, but there is nothing wrong with setting boundries and expecting him to abide by that.
All in all I feel your partner and him not working has caused some issues in your relationship, perhaps things will improve when he gets back into work. But if his actions are affecting you that much and he doesn't care that it is affecting you, that needs to be addressed asap!
All the best x
This is my take and I could be way off base.
I think you’re still viewing sex as your duty, are you having daily sex because that’s what you want or because that’s what you think he wants? Sex isn’t your duty and it’s not your responsibility to keep him faithful.
My suggestion would be a self love journey when you’ve spent a lot of time learning to love all parts of yourself it becomes much easier to find and enforce the boundaries that are important to you. From where I see it this man is not respecting you or your boundaries and you’re not certain of your boundaries yet so you’re stuck in the limbo land of am I correct that this is out of line or am I being unreasonable. Personally I don’t think you’re being unreasonable! I don’t mind porn but cam girls is really starting to push the limits, but there are a lot of woman who consider porn cheating also and if that’s your boundary that’s fine to!
First off all stop blaming yourself here. You aren’t at fault. He knows your past, he knows how you feel and he still continues to do it. If he can’t respect your feelings and past then he sounds like a bit of a loser. It’s not like you aren’t do anything plus you are out working and he still isn’t. Get some counciling for your own issues but as for him, I wouldn’t put up with it. It’s a bit over the top and putting you down in a way, then you are the one feeling guilty. Sounds like he is living the life and doesn’t care what you think. Next will probably be cheating if he isn’t already.! Cam girls 🤮I def wouldn’t allow it and what an insult to you. you poor girl. This is not your fault or anything you are doing and isn’t normal in many relationships. If he values you and has any respect for you, he will stop it. if anything it will turn you right off of him.
You sound so caring and thoughtful. He sounds like he is a selfish pig and all for himself. If he got a job he would have so much time on his wanky hands!
You're not comfortable with him using porn and that is 100% ok. I'm so sick of society saying porn is normal, that there's no harm in porn. Your partner obviously has an addiction. He admits he can't give it up. He tries to get you to do things he sees in porn/provide the visuals he craves. Trust me, even if you do all of those things, he'll still use porn. It isn't you! I know this because I'm married to a porn addict. The only way he's going to stop is if he finds a therapist that specialises in sex addiction. There are also SAA meetings he can attend. My husband hasn't used porn for 18 months now. He still has the urge to, regularly, but he hasn't and he tells me that sex is so much better without porn. Good luck
Run a mile from him.