Found out on Valentine’s Day that my husband of 15 years has been messaging a co worker ..... the messages are very sexual (on her behalf. His replies are simple responses but they are still responses). Think phrases like “P.S. I swallow” and “at work we can be professional, in private, innuendos that could lead to touching”.
She is married too.
I feel SICK at the thought that he was having these conversations with someone else.
He has admitted that they are wrong and has assured me there’s nothing more to it. (Nothing physical) ..... all trust is now gone.
I guess what I’m asking..... has anyone had something similar happen? Can you forgive something like this? For me, this is cheating. I don’t know how I can ever trust again.
He has been super apologetic and has assured me it won’t happen again.
(My BIGGEST issue is that she is at his work so can it every really be over???)
10 Replies
Cheating depends on how YOU define it. How would your husband react if it was you? What would he do if the roles were reversed ?
At what point would a work colleague think it’s ok to write ‘I swallow’?! They must have a very close relationship for her to feel comfortable sending messages like that.
For messaging that explicit I'm thinking a) they're mates and it's not actually sexual or anything and more a reflection of their sense of humour. Or b) she's very forward and he doesn't know what to do (less likely given what you said he has said) or c) their relationship has already crossed a line or is about to. Option a or b aren't a betrayal. Option c is. I'd be asking more questions.
Sorry but this is emotional cheating - which is just as bad as phyical cheating.
And I bet he is laughing with her at work about the messages. I wouldn’t trust him either. They will just do it now and hide it. Shouldn’t have told him and kept snooping. Now he will remember to delete everything. What makes her feel so comfortable with him that she could msg him those things. You need to find out who her husband is and take screen shots of everything. Why should you be hurting and her husband now know. Let her be punished too and show them to her husband. I think there is more to it for sure.
It won’t be over at work. Sit outside his work after work and see if they are together. Don’t trust them!! There is more to this. She wouldn’t write those things.
Send the messages to her husband. He also has a right to know what his wife is doing behind his back.
If you want to work through this it'll take a lot of work, especially from your husband. You cant half arse trust building. Good luck.
Yes it is cheating. What would he say if it was you? Would he give you a second chance? My husband cheated on me and was doing it on and off for 2 years. When I found out I pushed him away and treated him really bad, which he deserved but he was sorry, apologetic and did everything possible to fix it. The more I hurt him for what he did to me the more he tried to fix it. I pushed him to braking point and then took him back. It’s now been 8 years and we are still together. I did believe once a cheater always a cheater but I can say I trust him more then every now and he would never do it again. It’s the hard times that bring you closer together. He has made me and our kids so happy. If he is there trying to fix it. Don’t though a marriage away for a long silly mistake. Most men would run and not try.
It’s the same thing as Physical cheating. It’s going to be very hard for you trust him at work. Every time they see each other at work are they going to do it again? If it was not a co worker it would been a lot easier. But if you love him try and work though it. Maybe ask him to change jobs?
My EX bestfriend was like this. Married looking for extra attention, basically a homewrecking slut.
In saying that, takes two to tango and your husband needs to say Wife knows what's happening because she told me. I am not interested.