Hi everyone
I'm getting married next year but due to excitement I plan and buy already loads ha
I was wondering if I could gather some ideas.... Me and my partner don't have kids together but he has a 5 year old girl which I treat like my own. My partner wanted to Also involve her in our wedding by giving her a promise ring at the ceremony from me and him to her as a comittment.
I think that's a lovely thought but I also think if there was maybe different ideas rather than that? Like our ceremony that's about marriage and the bond and maybe after or at the reception something special for her? He said 'I knew u would be against it because u wanna make it your day'... Well I'm not against it but maybe something... I don't know different?
I have to share a lot with her and I accept that. If I get a bracelet, she gets it, if I get flowers, she gets them... I just thought this is our day for once but I also would like to include her without making it that official but I also don't want to be the meanie
She will be the flower girl of course and also brings us the rings.
Would be great to get some ideas
Also, would you invite her mother?
I do not get along with her... Well I actually liked her but she can't stand me and doesn't have anything nice to say no matter what I do nice for her or her daughter, but yet I was wondering if that's what people do to make bubba feel good? My partner is nice to her but doesn't particular like her BUT he wouldn't mind having her at the wedding because otherwise she make crack the sh due to feeling excluded? What would U do? Is that what people do?
21 Replies
I’d scrub the idea of giving her a ring at the ceremony. If he wants to give her a ring I’d encourage him to give it to her before the ceremony. He’s not marrying his daughter.
Having her as a flower girl is involving and including her in the wedding. I think just generally including her in activities making her feel included is the way to go. Make a special outing of her flower girl dress shopping etc.
If she is a good reader maybe she would like to read a simple poem out at the ceremony or at the reception.
5 year olds can get pretty exhausted at weddings, they are long days no matter which way you do it so I wouldn’t put too much on her plate.
That's what I was thinking to but he said that we should give her something as our comittment to her to involve her. To me I'm already committed since 4.5 years but I don't want to make him upset to feel like it's all about me
I don’t get the point of him giving her a promise ring. she is his child, what is he promising her? Having her as a flower girl is including her and is enough. She is five , doesn’t need to be overly involved apart from being there really.
She is invited, she is a flower girl, that’s all the involvement she needs.
Sorry but it is your day not the daughters! Something doesn’t sound right with ur partner I mean who would want their ex at their wedding and why should he care if she cracks the shits about no invite!
Shit no the ex wouldn’t be invited! What the hell is up with that? She shouldn’t want to be there anyway. This is your day, not the daughters and definitely not the ex’s. That’s really strange that he would even entertain the thought of inviting her.
We have friends that combined two families a month ago. They did the usual ring bearers and flowergirl but then they did a little extra ceremony where they had x amount of different glasses of coloured sand and each family member added them to a bigger glass so that all their sands combined. It was to symbolize that you cannot then separate all the different coloured bits of sand and they will all be intertwined forever as will the sand.
It was actually really beautiful :)
This makes more sense than rings.
I’ve never heard of anyone inviting the ex wife to the wedding. Maybe in a situation where everyone gets along, but this is not that situation.
Please examine this relationship dynamics carefully.
It’s all so weird...are you sure he has fully moved on from his first family?
I’m the ex, I would not want to be at the wedding.
The fact she would feel excluded screams their relationship is strange.
I would definitely not be inviting mum .... I’m not inviting my ex to my wedding. I would never dream of it. My wedding day is not about him.
Also I would maybe not do a ring. My OH and I are not planning anything special for my/our children. Them being in the wedding party is enough. I’m there mum and that’s my opinion not my partners. I will be getting my daughter a ring to wear to my wedding. She’s been asking me for one since my OH and I got engaged.
I will also add to my comment, that I would never dream of wanting to go to my exes wedding either. But I’m sure he’d ask me to go as carer to our child who has ASD he would want him there but not want the responsibility of him. He may just surprise me though.
Fingers crossed this all works out for you xx
So much nope here.
It’s your and your future husbands day. Giving the child a ring IMO is creepy. He’s not marrying her and neither are you. It’s a wedding - google was basically “ Generally, everyone understands that the meaning of marriage is when two people make a public pledge or commitment to live together and share their lives in a way that is recognized legally, socially and sometimes religiously.”
Two people. She’s a child. She will feel included just being in the ceremony - and if she doesn’t ... be careful it could be a sign of things to come...
Don’t invite the ex!! Is your fiancé trying to sabotage your relationship? Seems like he’s setting all these boundaries for like no reason?! If I were you, I’d be doing some serious soul searching!! If this is how he treats you now, it won’t change.
Unless you're all best buddies that is a big nooo to the ex coming to the wedding. She will not feel excluded, how awkward would it be for her to go to her exes wedding.
I don't think his daughter needs a commitment ring or anything, being flower girl should be enough! I went to a wedding last year where the groom's daughter wasn't even asked to be part of the bridal party because the bride thought that would make her neices jealous which I thought was really sad as step kids should be included.
OK so I think in some aspects, having the ex there makes sense.
She's there to supervise Miss 5 and/or take her home if she gets over it at the reception (which kids tend to do because weddings can be overwhelming and boring AF for kids). Inviting her just so she doesn't feel excluded is weird though, so if you have someone else (like an aunt/uncle or grandparents) that could help look after miss 5,theres no damn reason she needs to be there!
I also think the promise ring is unnecessary and a little odd frankly. He's marrying you, not his kid! A small gesture that symbolises the unity of the family (such as the sand example above) would be far more appropriate. The fact that you can't even get a gift without his daughter getting one too sort of suggests to me that he might be overcompensating a bit and I think that's going to cause problems down the track but I'm not entirely sure how you'd go about addressing that without coming across wrong...
Good luck though
My husband had my eldest son (9) as a groomsmen and my other son (7) was a page boy. There was no way in hell I was inviting me ex. Personally I've never understood the promise ring/ sand jar, so I wouldn't do it but that's just me.
Definitely no to the mum. There’s no need for her to be there and if she feels excluded, tough luck.
As for the daughter, well sorry but you sound spiteful and jealous. I probably wouldn’t go a promise ring at 5, just because it’s not something that will grow with her, I’d go more a necklace or bracelet with a pendant that can be moved on to a larger chain as she grows.
When my husbands brother remarried, he had a son and she had a daughter - they included them by him giving the daughter a necklace, and her giving the son a “grown up” watch and including them in part of their vows... it was beautiful, heartfelt, meaningful and in no way detracted from the fact that it was a wedding. Stop being so petty.
I wouldn't give her a ring, that's a bit much. Maybe a necklace but not a ring. There is nothing wrong with you wanting your wedding to be about you and your husband, you are marrying him not her.
I also definitely would not invite the ex. That's weird, she's an ex, and wouldn't likely be in your lives at all if it weren't for you step child.
Do not invite the ex!! It is not something you to to or have to do, especially if she doesn't like you. The daughter is already highly involved, I think what you're doing is enough! She sounds spoilt of you can have something without her needing the same thing.
Have you looked into a uniting sand ceremony, you each have your own colour and pour it into a vase, look on line they have a beautiful meaning behind them.
I was not invited (nor did I expect to be) to my ex's wedding. As a symbol of joining their family together, they presented my daughter with a necklace that has an infinity pendant towards the end of the ceremony. Maybe something like that might be more appropriate. My daughter treasures her necklace greatly; it meant a lot to her because of what it symbolises and she wears it almost everyday.