I am divorced from the father of my children.
I married him purely so I could be connected in name to our children.
He has asked me to no longer use the name. I asked his father two years ago if I could keep the name and he said yes.
I keep it so I can stay connected to my kids. I keep it because it is my identity and who I have become.
He wants me to stop using it because he is having a child to someone else and eventually may marry her.
Your thoughts?
14 Replies
He doesn’t get to dictate and you didn’t need your FILs permission. It’s your name now and totally up to you.
I can understand the desire to have the same last name as your kids. I can also understand the desire to want to change my name back to unmarried name.
Maybe as a compromise, consider hyphenating your name?
To be honest How does he know which name you use. My sisters both switch between last names as kept there family names for professional reasons.
It's your name, you don't need anyone's permission to use it. My Mum and Dad divorced 25 years ago and she still has her married name and she hates my Dad. Tell him to eat a dick.
I think when kids are involved the only one that has that choice is you... I understand keeping it and changing it back. My sister changed hers back as soon as they separated and myself I won’t change it back. Her decision meant a lot in that she was happy to move on and she was so ready. I was just as ready but I won’t change mine. My ex has tried to alienate me and one thing he did was changed my name in our daughters iPad to Mumma “maiden name”. I explained you cannot change who someone is. I said I will always be “married name” just like you. I can safely say that because I am done having kids and whether happiness happens for me again or not I won’t Re-marry.
I know a few people who kept their married name for their kids sake. And i totally get that. And i think its totally up to you.
I would personally change back to my maiden but i grew up with a single mum who'd never been married so we never shared the same last name, and its not as important to me. And its also super common these days... (my kids are in public schooling if rhat makes a didference)
I totally get why it is important to you though and i think it should be your decision ultimately
Tell him to get fucked!! He doesn’t own the name. Tell him you won’t be changing your name and you don’t care how he feels you want to have the same last name as your kids and that’s how it’s going to stay. My friends parents have been split for 18 years and her mum still has her married last name. You didn’t need FIL’s permission and you certainly don’t need ex husbands permission!
It isn't any of his business. Some of my best mates are divorced and get upset about this. I tell them that if my hubby and I divorced I would keep this name too... possibly even if I remarried. Basically, I wouldn't want a different name to my children. I suggest that if they're really uncomfortable about it and she wants to have the same name as her kids, would he be open to changing the kid's surnames to her maiden name? That always gets a he'll no reaction and I explain that what they're asking of their ex is essentially the same and they need to understand that they aren't keeping the married name because of them. It's about their kids. It usually has them step back and realise it isn't really impacting on them what their ex does.
My parents divorced 20 odd years ago, my dad remarried about 13 years ago and my mum is engaged, she still goes by "Smith" because that's her name!
I do think that having the same surname as your kids isn't the be all and end all though. I don't have the same last name as my kids and honestly, it's not something that ever bothered me.
I have kept my married name for this reason only because of my kids. He can't tell you to change your name. My ex did get remarried and so did I, but i still have the first husband and kids surname.
Same here. While I kept the surname to keep the link with my kids, I felt I had been this person for longer than I had been the person with the maiden name and had no connection to the maiden name anymore (sorry dad). It was also the name I was know by professionally - so my personal brand is with the kids surname. My new hubby often gets called by my surname as people assume we have the same name (I have a relatively high profile, so they know my surname and don't know his). Makes for some laughs :) Personally I would love to loose my surname altogether. Pink, Madonna, Cher have one name, why not me? Only problem is computer forms that won't let you progress unless the box is completed. When I am asked my name when I meet people I only ever give my first name, and I ask people to use it, when they try and use the formal Mrs/Ms X title.
It's none of his business. He's acting like he owns the name and you. Very easy for him to make demands. Suggest he and baby should take his new Mrs surname, see how he likes you choosing his name.
Do what makes you happy.
Keep the name. It's your kids name also. Tell him to bugger off. My parents divorced 30 years ago, my Dad is re-maried & my sister & I are both married with different surnames. My Mum doesn't give a stuff about it either. I asked her once if she'd change it back now as all us kids were adults having our own kids & she said no way everyone knows me now as this name.
It’s not just ‘his’ name. The surname belongs to anyone who wants it. If you legally changed your name the surname is as much yours as his. My mum kept her married name because it was who she had been for years and because it matched her kids. If you are divorced, whatever surname you use is no longer his business, or his father’s for that matter.
I kept my ex married name to be the same as my daughter. Then i met my husband and couldn't wait to rid myself of the exs name qnd it felt bloody great to change it. Things change. You'll likely change your mind too down the track.
My husband of 20 years has an ex wife. They were married for 15 years and then divorced for 10+ years before we met.
The Ex Wife still has kept my husbands surname, (my surname too) but it’s just a name, was her decision to keep it..
It’s your name now.
He has no right to ask you to change it.
It’s your decision if you do..