Hey gals just curious I know every relationship is different blah blah, I’ve been dating a guy for just over 4 months now and thought things were progressing well until the L word came into play.
He tells me “he doesn’t love me yet and won’t be sure of his feelings for probably well over a year as our relationship doesn’t feel the same as his first love” ummm ok? Is it just me or is this a bit weird ??
No love from boyfriend
No love from boyfriend
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
23 Replies
He's being honest about his feelings. Are you his second relationship? Has he been with others since his first? He may be unsure, he may be protecting himself, he may have been hurt and scared to fall in love again.
You need to decide if you want to spend more time with him, see if things change, or end it now.
This is good!!
He’s being a mature adult, letting things grow, you’re adults, not teenagers.
The ones that are intense fizzle, mature people get to know people before they throw around the love word.
You don’t want to be like the first love, it didn’t last.
He’s also thinking long term.
Sounds like you have keeper, the real deal.
Lucky you.
I thought he was being smart until I read the bit where he compared you to his first love. I would not be hanging around, you are always going to be second best.
See I think the opposite to the poster above. In my experience, if they didn't say it by 2 months, the relationship fizzled out. At 28 I started dating my husband, who was also 28. He told me he loved me 3 weeks in and that he was going to marry me. We've been married 10 years this year. We both feel that when you're older, you should know enough about yourself to understand infatuation vs genuine connection. If you can't say you love someone with a couple of months, they're not your person. We see it with our friends too. The ones that fell fast and deep and married quickly are still solid, in love and a genuine team 10-15 years on and the ones that took it slow are the ones getting divorced and now some are meeting that person that things just click into place with and saying they finally get what the rest of us have been saying.
Having said all of that, I also know the exception to the rule who took forever to say I love you and despite some hiccups along the road are also strong and happy. So you need to determine whether he is genuinely someone who wants to weigh all the information before his brain accepts what his heart probably already knows, or whether he's stringing you along because he hasn't got a reason as to why he hasn't fallen for you. From my experience, it's not a great sign... but his personality is an factor that I can't possibly account for.
I think you just need to trust your gut.
You were 28, believe me, as a divorced 40 year old with kids, you change.
You should change, you’re older with the responsibility of kids and have been through a divorce.
Life experience, baggage, a lot of shit and you are cautious, you take it slow, it doesn’t mean you aren’t feeling anything or it won’t work, you’re just careful and wiser.
At 28, life is very different.
I hope you never go through a divorce and understand where I’m coming from.
Sure. But we're 39 now, and mates getting divorced, who have kids, are 38 to 45 and they're the ones finally falling hard and fast. So my final point remains... whether he is stringing her along or not depends on his personality more than anything.
My personal experience has been different. I'm 50 years old. My first marriage in my 20's was too fast . We divorced . My second marriage I waited 5 years before we married. In fact almost all my friends back then married fast. Almost all, like me divorced and are now on their second, longer lasting marriages. So one way or the other isn't always the reason hence you and I both have opposite experiences.
People can be emotionally Immature at any age. You can't completely know someone and their values, financial handling skills, the way they fight etc within a few weeks, but equally you should know it feels real or move on within a certain amount of time as well.
Yes people can be immature at any age, but generally the older we get, the more battle scars we have and we are more guarded. Especially after a divorce.
The ones who are old and falling fast are irrelevant, they haven’t lasted yet, so not a good example.
Considering the most recent marriage and divorce stats for Australia show divorce rates of 1st marriages are 30% and second marriage divorce rates are 60%, either is the argument that second marriages are less impulsive and stronger. The only thing to take from this is that different people fall at different rates. The poster needs to decide if she can invest in the relationship if he is holding back or whether she needs someone more similar to her.
Exactly, second marriages fail because of the added complications of kids, ex, in-laws, financial stuff like child support, each having their own assets...old baggage....it’s so much more complicated second time around, believe me....that is why people are more cautious....you at 28 had none of this....that is why people are more cautious and it’s not about knowing from day one that they’re the one...it’s about protecting your assets, will they be a good role model for your kids, will their ex or kids make your life hell....as sad as it sounds, there’s so much more on the line and falling in love is very different and love doesn’t conquer all ..I hope your older friends that are falling fast, take it slow, for the sake of their families and their lives...this, when you know, you know is a lovely idea, but second time around, it’s impractical....I hope you don’t advise them that....
Do you know the stats of mums bf sexually abusing kids?
He seemed like such a lovely guy...
It’s not just about you anymore....it’s the comfort and safety of your kids at stake.
I’m a single mum with my own home, I’m not going to quickly shack up with some guy and lose my home because it felt right, because my gut said he is the one....it’s not just my ho,e, but my kids too.
Clearly I'm not advising love has to be hard and fast. I'm saying different people have different rates. Obviously these 2 people are very different when it comes to openìng up their heart. That might be a positive but it also might be a sign that they're just too different.
I personally think 1 year is too long to be waiting to hear I love you. Not being ready 4 months down the track, fair enough. Also don't like the comparison thing!
Some loves are a slow burn like a rich delicious meal from the crock pot. Some are quick and easy but still delicious like crumb cutlets and some loves are like strawberries eaten fresh from the garden. Nothing wrong with them. Just different.
So what your slow cooker meal isn’t like the strawberry it’s not less delicious xo
My apologies to anyone in a diet. I may or may not have had a special cookie tonight and now am quite food focused.
I suspect he only compared you to the ex because you put him on the spot.
Different people, different life experiences will draw people to say I love you at different times.
4 months is too soon for me. How is the health of the relationship otherwise? Any red flags? Does he talk to you respectfully?
So many more important considerations at this point.
Nope, if he doesn't commit in what you know is a fair time then get out before you end up being suckered long term.
Also don't let him progress the relationship in ways like moving in together, having a baby, doing things for his family, joint finances, holidays, etc until he is sure. That's how they get away with it.
Dating for 4 months sounds like things are still pretty casual, dropping L-Bombs prematurely can completely take people off guard. I'd hazard a guess that he didn't have time to consider a thoughtful response so he maybe blurted out something insensitive.
You're not lust stricken teenagers, you're adults. It's sensible to take your time to get to know someone and not just dropping "I love you" disingenuously. If it had been like 2 years or something I'd start questioning if he was committed but 4 months in, I don't think it's unreasonable that he's still sort of figuring things out...
The only thing I'd be concerned about right now is whether he treats you respecfully, whether you guys have a good time together, whether you have aligning morals and values.
Well said!
Hmmm... See every friend I have that I genuinely love, they were in my heart well before 4 months of knowing them because I recognised them as being special. Same with my husband. It's not that hard to recognize who fits with you and who doesn't in my opinion. Plenty of other people seem to want to reserve making a decision though so I guess it just reflects the diversity of people. My biggest thought though is that you are obviously an open person that trusts your own gut feeling. He is obviously wary, reserved and possibly untrusting. Given such a large difference in opinion on this, I wonder whether you are just too different? Where differences balance things out, it can be good. But I wonder whether this is an indication of incompatibility rather than a difference that is counter balanced?