I separated from my now ex about a year ago.
We were childhood sweethearts and together almost 20 years. We have a 10yo & 2yo.
I initiated the split for a number of reasons. I was just done. But in hindsight think maybe there was some PND at play.
Fast forward a year, he has moved on with someone new and has a new family. Our split has been nasty, expensive legal battle etc. He absolutely hates me for leaving him and has taken it upon himself to hurt me in any way possible it would seem. We have joint custody so have to see each other each week.
My question is: How do I get over this? Even though I initiated the split I am so racked with pain and guilt for my children every day that it’s hard to cope sometimes.
I regret leaving all the time. I miss my ex. I miss being a family and the life we had and I am so sad my youngest will never know us as a family & that my oldest does remember and is heartbroken too. My heart hurts daily looking at my kids. I have ruined all of our lives and I don’t know how to make it better. Does the pain and grief ever go away?
How do I make sure they are ok? How do I make sure I’m ok? I’ve tried moving on, but I don’t know how.
I see so often in here about people asking if they should leave and honestly, all I say is make sure it’s really what you want because the other side is not always a better option.
3 Replies
You need to find a way to make peace with your choice and the whole situation really. Acceptance is the first step to moving on! Given what you've mentioned about your ex, I'm not so sure much moving on has happened there either tbh...
I feel like some therapy/counselling would be able to help you along in that regard. It may also be sensible to get your 10 year old some counselling too, relationship breakdowns can be hard on kids so having someone to chat to should do some good.
I would also say that you and your ex need to work on your co parenting relationship. Kids cope and adjust with separation fairly well when things are amicable and respectful.
You need to remind yourself daily (or more then daily) of the reasons you left. Focus on the negatives of the relationship which will in turn put your focus on it being a POSITIVE that you left. You deserved better which is why you left and that's even enough to remind yourself of, to switch your focus.
Don't allow yourself to romanticize a cute little family... because it obviously wasn't that way in the first place to grant you to leave.
I don't k ow your reasons but people don't just leave for no reason so I am sure they are extreamly valid. Sometimes it's so easy to make things look better or easier or harder in our minds when we over think them. Draw everything right back, down to basics. Why did you leave? Was he abusive? Was he lazy? Did he treat you/the kids crap? Did he abandon you all the time? (You don't need to answer these questions to me) but they are all valid reasons to leave. Focus on that... you deserve better.
This, write a list on your phone of 10 reasons why you left, and 10 positive things about yourself, every time you feel sad look at the list, you left for a reason and if you had the perfect family you now miss you never would of left