How do I stop being the person who puts everyone else first when no one prioritises me..
I'm the kind of person who gives their heart and soul to friends and family. If anyone needs anything, I will drop everything and help them.
Today alone I rearranged antenatal doctors appointments and a catch up so I could look after a friends kids ( 3 of them ) ontop of my 2 , all while I'm pregnant- because her babysitter dropped out at the last minute. Yesterday I woke up my baby, put my kids in the car and drove minutes to jumpstart my sisters car because the battery died. I rearrange my life at a moments notice to travel 1.5hours to help my mum at her house if she needs it. I always try to give and help whenever I can.. but I never feel like any of these people would do the same for me.
My sister is incredibly self absorbed and is the kind of person to organize to do something with you... until a better offer comes up and then bails at the last minute and blows it off.. time and time again.. and it hurts! It hurts my feeling.. I want to stop feeling this way! I want to stop caring so damn much!
I tried calling a really really close friend of mine to tell her I was pregnant and she guessed I was pregnant via txt and when I tried to call to confirm the good news she ignored my phone call and said she would call back and she ended up messaging 4 days later.. I just want to stop caring so much.. my family and I also want to move states but I don't want to leave my family! Im constantly scared my mums depression will get worse and I don't want to take her only grandchildren away from her and my dad. I get everyone else has their own priorities.. and I definitely feel like I need therapy or something.. I dont know, I feel messed up. I feel like I am putting everyone else above myself. I want to start putting me first! My feelings first..
5 Replies
Yes, definitely time for some therapy. It’s hard to start prioritising yourself, but it comes with self awareness and acknowledgement that you aren’t that special and they other people can fix these issues.
Your sister has a flat battery? The NRMA would have gotten to her faster!!! A random drive by could have helped her. It’s time to start challenging yourself and your anxiety.
I say this from experience we aren’t that special! Other people can help them, they will find a way to solve the problem themselves and our kids are missing out on stuff while we run around solving other peoples issues.
I find writing everything in my diary and when people asked me to do something telling them I have to check my diary. Oh no, sorry I can’t help you today, but I can do it next week, is enough. People aren’t going to stop being your friend because you couldn’t do something and if they do that means they didn’t really like you in the first place. I’ve gotten to the place where I’d rather only keep genuine friends even if that means there are less people in my life.
I believe that you teach people how to treat you. You have taught your friends and family that you will drop absolutely everything if they need or want something. They have no reason to prioritise you because you don't even prioritise you. It will be hard to change and some therapy or counselling might be necessary but you need to start prioritising you and your kids. No more waking up kids unless it's an emergency (like the house is burning down or you are having the baby and they need to be taken somewhere), no changing appointments unless it suits you. And if you're friends aren't phoning you back for 4 days and it's a regular thing that upsets you speak up and tell them or find new friends!
Now obviously I don't think you should stop helping people but you shouldn't do so at your own expense.
I completely understand! I too suffer with a sense of obligation and will bend over to please others. Only to find when the tables turned it’s not reciprocated. I have friends whom only text when they want something or I it’s up to me to stop contacting them. So I stopped and you know what they didn’t notice. So I let the friendship go. So I have fewer friends but good friends. Family is trickier and I haven’t resolved that yet.
Oh I feel this so much I could have written it. I am that person, at least I was until a year ago.
A year ago my dad died, it was sudden and unexpected so I was going about my normal day when I got the call. I sat by myself for over an hour trying to figure out who I call for help, who could I turn too. My husband ended up coming home from work but what has followed in the year since has made me become a real reclusive.
My "best friend" who I took in several times when her life fell apart due to addiction, she didn't message me for 4 weeks.
Another friend, she was going through a split with her hubby and was not coping asked me to clean her house for her (which I did mind you the day after my dad died) and made comments how she wished her dad had died and left her money.
My mums response when I told her was "ok" (mum and dad had been divorced over 20yrs bit he was still my dad).
My husband has done nothing but put more stress on me, to the point where I'm now thinking of leaving him.
Long story short, it was during the hardest time of my life I realised that I was just being used, so I left. Literally left, I packed my family up and we moved over 8 hours away. I do not do anything for anyone else anymore I focus on me and my kids, everybody else can find their own just like I had too.
Best thing I ever did was move away!! I didnt get to the point you are until after I moved and was traveling hours to do things for them. (Pick up smokes, loaf of bread etc) or I would be invited to do something and end up driving everything to what they invited me to. You know what it's like. Your mums depression is not yours, there is no reason you can not organise visits to see the kids etc. Or they could make the effort to visit you. You want to put yourself first. Do it!! Do want you want for you.