Strong trigger warning - mental illness awareness

When you read this, there will be people that agree with sentiments that I've discussed, there will be people that disagree and there will be people that don't understand. My intention is not to cause debate, it's to raise awareness of what it's like when you are suffering a mental illness. I do not need sympathy, I simply want more understanding and awareness. Often times information comes too late, like when someone has died because of their illness. There needs to be more information out there on how to help people before it gets to that point.

I think there needs to be more resources deployed when and immediately following a person is admitted to hospital showing signs of suicidal ideation or attempt. When you are that sick, you do not have the resources to go and chase organisations down. Your family are that worried and have been probably doing their best to keep you alive, that they are stretched and do not have the resources to track down organisations.

At my sickest I was paying my psychologist between $3-$400 a week in consultations, a psychiatrist up to $200 a consultation, plus medication (alot). Not everyone has the financial resources to cope with such financial costs. I am lucky that I do.

Please, after you have read this. If you know or you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or ideation speak to your doctor immediately, or go to the hospital. (as much as it sucks going to hospital, it really is the safest place to be when you are in that headspace.)

I’ve been toying with the idea of writing this. I think that now is the time. There are a lot of people out there experiencing trauma at the moment, and the after effect could be catastrophic. Whilst not all trauma is the same the signs of PTSD are.

This time last year I attempted to take my life. Perhaps my most serious attempt. I had stopped taking my medication, I wasn’t eating properly, I was exercising too much. I tried to make everything look like it was ok to the world, while at night I was self medicating.

My kids suffered, my husband suffered, my family suffered and some very close friends suffered. I can never make that better, but I’m here to try.

After being taken in the ambulance, I was kept on ward with security. They take your phone from you. You aren’t allowed any technology as soon as you are put under a schedule. As soon as you are scheduled, and this may be by a police officer or an ambulance person or a qualified person at the hospital, you are assigned a guard and they follow you every where you go. I have been quite nasty to my guards... I hope I never need one again.

I was assessed by the psych on ward the following morning and from there they made the decision to put me in the PEC at Liverpool. This place, was hell.... I didn’t eat or shower the whole time I was in there. It was filthy, there were unwell people there like me, but men and women together. The only food offered was stale sandwiches anyway. I didn’t want to be there, I tried everything to get out, but I was put in on the weekend. They don’t assess you on weekends. So it felt like weeks, I am not actually sure how long I was in there, maybe 3 or 4 days. I had had a psychotic episode. I have DID and was not myself. My family came to be by my side, I can’t imagine the sadness and worry they felt. Thank goodness they did though because Jason and the kids needed them there.

The aftercare was essentially non existent from the public system, a phone call here and there... no in house visits etc. luckily I was already under the care of a psychologist and had top private health care. My psychologist even to this day will text me regularly, and I still see her once, sometimes twice a week.

The health care is important with health care I could go to private hospital as an inpatient and get specialised care with psychiatrists.

Don’t get me wrong private hospital is not perfect either, and their policy is to send you straight back to public if you are harming yourself or threatening to harm yourself. So it’s an imperfect system. How people with mental illness are treated is not the best from my experiences.

Please don’t discount the value of private health cover. All those help lines that people share, they will just call an ambulance to your door if you are suicidal. Where you will be scheduled so you can’t do harm... but where to from there? And this is effective in a way as it keeps you out of harm for a day or two or three... but where to from there if you don’t have the financial means?

That’s where it takes having a health team on your side and health care!

If you made it this far please don’t feel bad for me. I’ve been cared for this whole time by the people that truly matter. Just be aware that mental illness can happen to anyone.