Hello ladies! I’ve been dating this amazing guy for three months. He’s an alcoholic. Like loves a drink and can drink two bottles of vodka over the course of an evening/ night if he’s in the partying mood. He’s Eastern European and was brought up this way as it was very much standard practice in the country he’s from. He’s not violent or abusive or anything and can go for two weeks without it when he works (he’s fifo miner) but when he comes back, it’s on like donkey kong. He has loads of friends and his little kid loves him. My little daughter loves him and he’s the only guy I’ve dated she actually goes up and hugs.
I’ve never been treated better than this by a man ever, I’m just wondering how do you know where to draw the line? If I’m drinking he goes to town but when I’m not he’ll only drink a little bit if at all. He turned up to a work gig of mine half cut recently which embarrassed me a bit as he was talking rubbish. That’s about the only bad part of him drinking (that I’ve seen so far) is the rubbish talk that comes out of his mouth and he gets full of himself. Plus he drank beer while he was driving which I thought was poor form. Other than that he’s a dream boat. What are your experiences with alcoholism? I grew up with an alcoholic dad and as he got older he drank way less. I’m hoping this is the case.
Alcohol in relationships.
Alcohol in relationships.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Health & Wellbeing
13 Replies
Nup. This would be a deal breaker for me!
Could be the most lovely person on the planet but substance abuse is substance abuse and that's not a burden I would ever take on (and yes, binge drinking like this is substance abuse before someone gets pissy).
3 months in and he's already embarrassed you at a work function and you've noticed he drinks whilst driving - which is illegal in most Australian states.
Realistically, this is more likely to become a more apparent issue the longer you're together.
Oh hell no! And unless you have lived a significant amount of time living in an Eastern European country, don’t buy that story for a minute!
At this point in the relationship he is being on his best behaviour. So he is most likely hiding how bad his drinking is. What you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg. I feel you are trying to down play the drink driving incident which is extremely concerning. How will you feel when he wipes out a family, a child or someone’s loved one?
Your dream boat is an alcoholic that drink drives? I think you need to have a look at your expectations of a man you want your child to be around
He sounds more like a binge drinker rather than an alcoholic. Alcoholics can't regularly go 2 out of 3 weeks without a drink and you say he will go without if you're not drinking. There's a difference between a big drinker and an alcoholic, some will argue with me but I don't care. Ask any doctor if this is alcoholism and they will tell you no. It sounds like he's treating his week off as party week and he probably needs to tone it down a bit for the sake of his child and yours if this is going to last. Its probably too early on to be telling him what to do but you can tell him you're uncomfortable with him drinking so much, and you will only be joining in when you want to, not when he wants to. That much you can do and say, if he's really interested in you that should be enough for him to tone his drinking back.
This!
Do not go down this road . Flags
1. He says he behaves better when youre not there and a. can't verify, but b. Why isn't he giving you the best?
2. You're ignoring ALL the facts and hoping for change.
3. He's blaming culture for his individual actions. Fuck that is he his own man or what?
4. You're being 'understanding' aka buying the bullshit.
5. It's brand new. This is him on his best behaviour. This is the best you'll get. Once you and you're kid are hooked, those good parts will go and he'll slip and you'll be in a really bad situation, probably still staying and hoping he'll change.
Look into abusive relationships. Know what you should be looking for and paying attention to and believing.
We can all sit here and argue about whether this is alcoholism or just a guy that simply enjoys over indulging but it really doesn't matter what we think.
Because you wrote in about this issue which suggests to me that it is in fact an issue in your eyes. His alcohol consumption must make you uncomfortable and wary on some level or you wouldn't have given it another thought.
It bothers you - own it!
Moving forward:
Trust your intuition. Don't lower the bar. Remember that a million good qualities don't cancel out the bad ones. Proceed cautiously!
Well said, very wise comment.
My Husband is like this and is from Czech, I definitely get that part of it is a cultural thing but after being with him for so long now, 1/2 a bottle of spirits and 6 six bottles of beer every night is not normal. I'm at the point in my marriage where I don't know if he is worse sober or drunk. Please before you go any further with him make sure he knows how you feel about his drinking and ask him if he's feeling OK mentally. I wish you the best.
The only thing that makes me hesitant about it is that you are only 3 months on and this is an issue. If this is something you can’t accept than you need to move on. None of us is perfect and everyone has flaws and everyone of us has deal breakers.
Also worries me that the kids have met him as well. You wouldn’t have spent much time with him yourself if he is fifo. Make sure your relationship is stable before adding kids in.
Yes, “the only guy I’ve dated that my hugs”, three months in.
If he’s two on, one off, that’s only one month if they were together all the time when he’s home. Which would be really inappropriate and progressing the relationship way too quickly.
Sorry alarm bells ringing, not at him, but you, as a mum.
Makes me wonder how many others she has met?
Please put your daughter first, don’t let these men meet her until at least the six month mark or when things become serious.
I was feeling half sorry for you thinking you had found a good but he drinks too much. Then you said he drank beer while drinking. Are you nuts... Seriously detach your self and your daughter from him immediately. If his drinking habit does not change he'll kill you both drunk driving. Value your self please
firstly, every situation is different, but I wanted to say something. My husbands father is an alcoholic, drinks every day from the moment he wakes up. He lost his job due to his alcohol issues because he crashed a forklift. He doesn't have a drivers licence but drives all the time, and this drives me insane. Because they grew up with this their whole lives, my husbands whole family is very similar. His brothers drink every day, and they smoke MJ as well but that's another story. This is where we get to my hubby. i knew this about his famiily when i married into it, and hubby wasn't an every day drinker but he was a binge drinker. Once he had one, he didn't stop until he had 20, this was ongoing for years. Then i found out he slept with my best friend while drunk, he says he doesn't remember it, but admits something happened but it was the alcohol and not him (yeah, right). So we get counselling, and I say to him i've had enough, if we are to stay together he has to quit drinking. That was 5 years ago and he's still not drinking, which is the only way we could get through, eventually even if this didn't happen we would have broken up becuase of the drink. He talked horridly to me and our son while drinking, I couldn't take the disrespect. Now, neither of his brothers will ever change, and their partners have all sorts of issues with them drinking, but they handle it, they deal with it. The brothers and the FIL will NEVER drive a car with my son in it, i've made that a rule, and we very rarely go over to their place in the evenings as it's quite hazardous to my mental health.
Make the decisions that are right for you and your relationship. Embarrassing you, talking down to you and drink driving are all terrible in my mind, and this is only the first 3 months, imagine years of this in front of you - can you take it?