Trigger warning: sexual abuse and self harm
So I'm not sure how to handle this situation I'm in and could use some support or advice or something. Back story: The "father" of my eldest was found guilty for the rape of our daughter when she was 4. Since then I have done everything possible to help her, had evaluations by mental health professionals and have been told she has PTSD from the abuse. It's been almost 5 years now, and while some things have gotten better, the nightmares have stopped she still has thoughts of suicide and some nights can't get to sleep until really late.
Now: I have allowed his mother to be in my kids' lives because she has completely cut off contact and disowned him, although she's always finding something to whinge about in terms of my parenting. She had the kids for a couple days over Christmas, and when she brought them back basically told me that my eldest is going to end up self harming or attempting suicide because I don't spend enough time on "positive affirmations" 🙄 and that I have to tell her every day that she has happy healthy sleep. She also said that I'm messing her up because I have a storm phobia (that I am working on) and my daughter made a passing comment about hoping I was ok when a storm hit the night she picked up the kids.
I'm so sick of being told what a shitty mum I am because of silly things and having my parenting criticized by someone who raised a child rapist yet still thinks they are the perfect mother. I am starting to consider cutting off all contact or wondering if I should allow contact with the kids, but put her in her place. I really don't know what to do.
16 Replies
I’m sure she feels guilty enough about what her son did, yes she may have raised a rapist but you also dated/married and had children with one. Try not to judge her to harshly
Ok.
I'm trying to be kind here but stop blaming his mother for his decision to rape your daughter. She had absolutely nothing to do with it because if she did, the police, psychologists, DHS and every agency involved would of made you cut contact or taken your daughter and her siblings off of you for their safety.
If you truly want to attack her parenting and for her attempting to help her granddaughter by passing on your daughter's anxiety about storms and worrying if you're ok and how that impacts on her by saying she was a shitty parent for raising a rapist then what does that say about you?
Does she try to say if you satisfied him in the first place, you wouldn't have thrown her baby in jail? I bet anything she doesnt, and I bet anything she's bent over backwards to stay in her grand daughters life and I bet anything she DOES BLAME HERSELF just like you for failing your daughter.
You need to stop doing that and START LISTENING.
Grandma agrees that granddaughter needs better sleep. You've said she struggles but maybe she is having bad dreams again? Maybe her anxiety is starting to heighten because of stress? Grandma probably asked your daughter what she needs and daughter probably said she needs something similar to positive affirmations. Don't trivialize that because you don't believe in it.
1. Talk to your GP about updating your daughters (and yours) mental health plan and in a group session, talk about your daughters anxiety with yourself and your daughters psychologist. Be proactive and allow your daughter to discuss why she is worried about you and storms. It affects her anxiety enough to say to grandma "I'm worried, I hope mum is ok..." on top of her own PTSD, it will affect her.
2. Dont take her feedback as a personal attack on your parenting. She wants her granddaughter to feel as near normal to whatever she can now and onwards just like you do. She feels like she failed too. You need support, like she does and your both mothers. Take her advice and say "yes, I can see how this is an issue and this is how we have started to resolve the situation..." then give her a copy of that plan. She clearly wants to be involved.
3. Stop being in pain. You're not at fault here. As someone who struggled with sexual abuse from a family member, the only time I've been critical of my mum is because she fails to accept that her father sexually abused me and has labeled me as a liar. She has her own demons and I accept her flaws and while I can't forgive her treatment of me, I just try to ignore that behaviour and if it gets too much, if she says the wrong thing, I'll move on. She is not my problem anymore.
Your whole family needs healing. Please, I hope you can see that.
The thing is I don't blame her for what happened, I never have. But when she is constantly putting me down, criticizing my parenting and going out her way to find things to pick on (in front of my kids) it gets really hard to deal with. Her son was more than just a rapist, he was also a narcissist, extremely manipulative, lazy and in general a bad person who then became a drug addict(why I left him) yet she acts like she is the perfect parent who has all the answers on how to raise well adjusted adults and tells me that she feels like my kid will end up self harming and suicidal and that it will be my fault because I don't stick notes on the mirror.
She has said things like "I knew the kids would end up getting abused, but I always thought it would have been one of your boyfriends" (father and I broke up years before the abuse) she keeps lists of everything she thinks I'm doing "wrong" as if she's planning on calling child services or something, she still makes them poo in a potty to look for worms, so she can "get dirt on me" because one time they got worms.
My kids aren't anxious about storms because I had made it very clear to them that it was an irrational fear and they know I'm getting better, it was just a passing comment.
The kid who has trouble getting to sleep has already been given advice from her qualified mental health professional and it has been helping, but her grandmother was trying to go against that advice and tell her not to do those things because she knows better and positive affirmations are all she needs.
It sounds like you could both do a lot better when it comes to your parenting
You didnt include any of that information but I still definitely stand by my statement of don't attack her because of what her son did.
It does sound like overall... you knew exactly what she was doing about gathering information about worms etc and the methods she was using. You knew all these details but still sent your children unsupervised to their grandmothers.
I think you shouldn't use social media for advice on this especially latter added details but id be calling Parents Helpline or speaking to some children's services professionals to get your independence back.
It's in my view that whatever is happening, you care more about how people view you and not how the best interests of the family are being met. Originally you state that your daughter is struggling to sleep, now she's better and that it's no longer a problem. Either it is or it isn't.
I hope you get yourself squared away because it's not about you. If you don't want to be criticized and feel she is deliberately trying to sabotage you, why on earth would you put that on your kids?
Yes I still let them see their grandmother, because the kids still love her and I have tried to put my own feelings about her aside. Yes she treats me like crap, but she's nice to the kids so I've been putting up with it. I'm not attacking her for what her son did, but for the way she acts like she's so superior when she clearly isn't the perfect mother.
I didn't say that my daughter is all better now and there's no sleep issues, I said it's getting better, and yes there's a difference.
I'm asking for advice because I don't know if I should just keep putting up with her crap and being polite, if I should tell her to stop and risk her getting even nastier, just cut all contact or if there's some other way to handle the situation where everyone's happy.
Wow just wow, the grandmother is being rude and your all acting like she just needs to cop it and what’s worse is your saying not to blame the grandmother yet your all blaming the mother. You women are narcissistic and need help. She just wanted advice not to be assertively judged and bashed. She’s been through enough sounds like the whole family has. You people disgust me.
Maybe she criticises you because you are a better mother than she ever will be and she feels immense guilt for what she raised? You know insecure people that pick at people that are better than them? Tell her stop with the criticism or you will have no choice but to block her from all your lives. What she says I suspect is about her, not about you. Good luck xxx
I also say this delicately but I would keep my phobias to myself, with a daughter with PTSD. I try not to put my fears onto my son and he hasn’t suffered anything that your daughter has.
Sorry, if my mum made my son poop on a potty so she could check his faeces then there would be no way in hell he’d go back there again!
Are you worried about your child or what people think about you? You are coming across very self-centred. If the grandmother was causing that much of an issue for so long, why haven’t you stopped contact. Does grandma have a reason to doubt your parenting abilities? Maybe she is seeing that you aren’t coping with your issues. Just because he son turned out to be a rapist doesn’t mean she raised him to be that way, that’s as bad as saying that it is somehow your fault that he did it. Don’t doubt her parenting abilities because one of her children turned out to be a rotten adult, she has no control over that. Maybe she is trying to help you so you don’t make the same mistakes she feels like she made
Wow just wow at those replying. Some of the replies are just disgusting and nothing but victimisation. This mother needs support not to be nit picked at by the grandmother. OP seriously as much as the kids may love her she is showing them how to manipulate, and become narcissists. Cut the grandmother out of your life. No amount of guilt she may be carrying no amount of jealousy or hate no amount of anything gives her the right to constantly nit pick you. Follow what professional advice you've been given. To all those that say she didn't raise a rapist, sorry but there are tell tale signs, there are behavior traits that are noticeable and she passed a comment about it, she was well aware of what behaviour was enabled any her.
Cut the women out of your life, no amount of talking is going to change her behaviour, it's set in. How disgusting.
So if there are tell tales signs, traits ect then maybe this mother is just as much to blame. I mean she would have had a more intimate knowledge of this man than his mother when it came to what he likes and what turns him on. Maybe she should have picked up that she married and had children with a rapist?
I never married him, and was only dating him for a few months before falling pregnant, then left him only a couple months after she was born, but sure it's all my fault and I should have known him better than his family 🙄
That’s exactly my point! You didn’t know? His family didn’t know. People like this don’t show who they really are until it’s to late, so stop blaming his mother! She didn’t raise a rapist, she raised a child that turned out to be one. Work on your parenting (definitely sounds like you need to) and stop blaming this lady for something she had:has no control over
Cut her off. You don’t need any extra damage. She should be supportive. Cut her off!!
Tell her she is not in a position to comment on your parenting given she raised a pedofile and rapist who preyed on his own child. Tell her that if she’d like to remain involved then she will respect and support your parenting and keep her opinions to herself.