My husband is a drinker and always has been. Recently I started thinking more about his nights at the club that don’t usually bother me too much but noticing how more disconnected I feel from him.
I put it on him that he sits with women and shares a poker machine and buys them a drink having a smoke and he agreed he does but it means nothing?!
Clearly to me this is not a social thing and not appropriate at all that a married man buy a drink for a women whilst smoking and sharing a machine particularly whilst I am at home with 2 young children. He thinks it’s no harm and no issue I think it’s not right and the funds be used not on another woman and poker machine but on outings with the family instead.
To me this is a massive game changer yet he sees no issue. I feel he is trying to play it down but to me it is what it is and not right at all. What would you do? It seems it’s been something that doesn’t always happens he comes home but to me not on.
11 Replies
Not sure it falls into the category of cheating but it's definitely inappropriate and definitely a bit sleazy.
Sounds like his definition of fun hasn't changed since his bachelor days, it's a shame that he hasn't shifted his priorities.
If I were in your position and my husband continued to do this after I had explained I didn't like it, let's just say he'd have plenty of time to enjoy the single life...
Eh, it really depends on how you feel about it honestly.
My husband regularly goes out with friends, he straight up tells people he is married or has his ring on and will happily buy a drink for a girl with NO intention of booking up. It’s usually another female whose in a relationship but stuck out with their single friends and they sit and have a drink and convo together.
And same if I go out, I allow men to buy me drinks or sit and converse. Nothing flirty in it, just befriending someone on an evening out :)
I will happily buy a drink for people I'm talking with if I go out. Going out for me is very rare but if I do, my husband is almost always with me. Thus, I don't see his actions as straying from your marriage vows unless the intentions behind them are. That said, I'd seriously object to the funds going down the drain. I'd also object to the nights out if they were constant and suggest having mates over your house instead so that you can have a drink too. If this is a constant thing, I'd agree that he hasn't grown up and realized things change when you get a family.
I wouldn’t call it cheating.
However if his behaviour (spending a lot of time at the club) is making you feel disconnected then that’s a big problem in itself.
This is something my exes mother and grandmother told me to do when my ex started going to the pub every weekend. Go with him. Complete with kids. Every time he goes out, you go out too. He will soon start rethinking his trips! It worked for me but then I realised I didn't actually like him being home anyway as there were other issues, we broke up eventually.
He's telling you he wants a wife he will treat this way. You know you don't want a husband that treats you this way. I agree with you. So don't accept it. He has 2 young kids, he should be at home.
It's not cheating. But it's definitely an issue that you aren't going to accept, so put your foot down or show him the door. I wouldn't stand for that...
For me, this is a no issue because I know my husband would never cheat. Being friendly is not the same as cheating. I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. But it depends on the type of relationship you and your husband are in. Only you know if this feels wrong for your own marriage. Would you feel the same if it was a man? Or are you only reacting this way because it's a woman? Something to think about and compare.
The word here is compromise. . .. there is always his time ~ your time~ and family time. My parents and I do this and we have been together a combination of decades. . . . People are to easy to dispose of marriages at a whim these days
He’s a cheater!!
This is not cool. Going out drinking and gambling on the regular instead of enjoying time with his family is crap. Furthermore, why is he even entertaining other women? If a woman approached my hubby, he wouldn’t share a machine with her let alone buy her a drink. Perfectly reasonable for you to be upset, if he tells you you’re overreacting - he is gaslighting.